Writing About The Things That Concern Me

I have been told that what I write here on this venue is too raw... that I might not want to be so open with my emotions online and, to be honest, that has crossed my mind. I do try to keep the names of the people around me to myself and even though I have used Sir Arsewipe's real name here a few times, I've never used his last name in conjunction with it. I know it's not much but I have such a hard time referring to him in any way at all that I finally settled on Sir Arsewipe as the best solution to a problem that concerns me.

In retrospect I realize that almost from the first day I felt that being open about what happened to me was as much for me as it was for anyone else. I have always maintained that this blog was my very own record of life and when I first started writing here four years ago... never in my wildest imagination did I think that something so cataclysmic would happen to me. I wrote because I wanted to keep a record of my farm and my business... which didn't happen because shortly after I decided to start a business I decided that the Master's Spinner program was an essential stepping off point in order to find success in my business. At the time I thought I knew a fair bit about spinning.... wrong! It is only in hind sight that I realize just how little I actually knew.  As a matter of a fact I still feel like I could study for another 6 years and still have lots to learn.

The blog quickly became a jumble of farm life, my spinning and weaving projects, and family life though I did try to keep the family stuff to a minimum. I wanted to let people know about living in the north country on a farm and spinning and weaving as a artistic outlet but I also knew that I couldn't talk about anything here without my family coming into it.... they are an integral part of me. It was also a way for family members living far away to know what was happening in our family. I also wanted to have a little humour here as well. But somehow this blog became more. It became an entity onto itself and I found more and more parts of the inner me were being exposed through the poetry I write on Feathermist, but also through the writing that occurred here too. Soon I had a following... not a big one but a consistent one. There were people who dropped in sporadically and then there were people who went to bed or drank their morning coffee with me here on this monitor screen. They became silent friends and some not so silent... (I like comments... really : ) and you can be as unsilent as you like....)! People worried about when I went a long time and didn't write anything... people were concerned when I burnt my level 3 binders. If anything big happened in my life I had people who knew and wanted to know. It felt like a whole circle of friends had come into my life.

When I discovered that Sir Arsewipe had been cheating on me at the beginning of June, I knew that people would be wondering what I happened if I didn't write anymore... I wrote a blog post about big changes in our lives.... but I knew this wouldn't satisfy for long. I was right... Sir Arsewipe procrastinated about informing his family about our separation and eventual divorce and all the while I knew people would be wondering about what was happening with us. Daily I would ask him if he had informed his family and daily he would reply in the negative. I did not want to write anything on the blog here until they had been told since I did not want them finding out that way. Eventually he told his family and I by that time was getting emails asking for more information... most people expected such good things to come from the changes of which I had spoken.... little did they know what was coming.

When I finally knew that he had told his family... I started in with a post.... I wasn't sure what to say... Should I be cryptic or should I be open...or should I say anything at all. I started writing and somehow it all seemed right to be open and honest. I haven't looked back...

Each day I write here I try not to dwell entirely on our divorce... I try to talk about those few good things that are happening too... but I'll be honest, a divorce is a consuming thing and so every word that passes through your mind, lips, and fingers is somehow controlled by the big "D". It has been not quite two months and I expect that it will be a long time yet before I am over this... I hope though that as the weeks pass and as my move to Newfoundland gets closer I will begin to talk about other things.... I have been trying of late to be more rounded.... but it is hard.

Meanwhile I cannot help but think that if a person is going to talk so openly about things that affect them then the writing will be raw and hopefully powerful. Anything else would be disingenuous. So daily I write and I am hoping that at some point I will peter out... and I will find a new world to write about... and my heart will be less affected. But that day is not today.

This morning, my lovely alpacas left me for the last time. I am glad they have a good home to go to.... I am sad that I will not see them again. For the last six years I have watched them and taken care of them and been proud to own them and learn their ways.  So it was with great regret that I watched them as they rolled out the driveway in a stock trailer headed for parts unknown. I know they will have a good home because the lady who has taken them has a lovely farm with cattle and turkeys and chickens and now alpacas. We have her references and I know she will see that they are cared for. When I saw them rolling out the driveway my face crumpled and once again I headed for my now familiar pillow to grieve one more loss on the steadily growing pile. Sir Arsewipe, who was there to help us load them up, never showed a sign of regret... not one.  I have never seen such a hard person... he is concrete. it took me a while but I am ok now.

I am glad to be able to have a place where I can come and pour out my heart. I thank you all for coming and visiting and I thank you all for your helpful and thoughtful comments. I will remember to be careful not to say anything that might severely hurt anyone... and I will remember to watch closely for the person who is worried about me attracting a stalker....  but I will not stop being me and writing is a vital part of that.