I realize that autumn comes much earlier here than it does back east. So this year we will get to experience two autumns. I look forward to the reds that I have not seen for so many years that come in the maples that we do not have growing here. But then I will miss the magnificent Cantaloupe melon colour of the poplars here. Yesterday I finished cleaning and sorting the stuff in my bedroom and I came across a painting only partially finished that was meant to evoke autumnal splendour. I may take the time today to try and finish it. We will see. I have been thinking about the house thatI am hoping to purchase in NL. I have been thinking that for many years I have lived in this log home with the colours of wood all around me, and with the only relief from the colour of the wood were the blacks of leather chairs... not particularly colourful and the throw cushions and green I painted our bedroom last year. I am ready for some colour. My house will be my new palette. When going through the stacks of decorating magazines and I mean stacks I came across a few newer ones that I had kept aside last year for ideas with this house. I decided instead of taking them to the recycling I would enjoy them one I got home and so I have put them with my other spinning and weaving magazines to be shipped across Canada. At first I caught myself feeling guilty because it has become so ingrained into me that I should not think about changing things in the house for fear of upsetting Sir Arsewipe... but then it hit me.... I don't ever have to worry about him ever again. I can do whatever I bloody well want. Including getting a doggie for Daughter #2 who has been missing her little Tootsie for two years and has been trying to replace him with Jiggs whose loyalties go nowhere and with Bailey who is such a psycho freak that she likes Sir Arsewipe best of all... not that really says something doesn't it. Daughter #2 has never really found a friendly dog that she loves well and truly since Tootsie... So maybe when I get to Nfld there might just be another dog in our lives and Pops will just have to put up with it since it is my house!
Meanwhile, Sir Arsewipe is still here daily. I watch him working on the house and yesterday he was trying to get the exterior siding done and finished. He ran out of wood. I several times heard him cursing and swearing in a fit of temper. He hates that he has to finish these renovations...I know that because his Facebook post this morning was something about everyday being like a Monday. I know because even though we have "unfriended" each other I see his stuff when one of my friends comments on his posts...mind you it might be like Monday everyday because he has to face me and can't go flicking off with his girlfriend whenever he wants. The renovations must be finished though and I thank God every day that three years ago we decided to do this because we would never have sold the house the way it was, at least not as quickly. Now it is a house... before it was just a cabin.
The air is cooler in the night now and I do not have to turn on the fan to make it bearable in my room. I still sleep with just one light blanket over me and Narmie jumps up on the bed to sleep with me along around 3 a.m. Jiggs sleeps under my bed. They quietly wait for me to rise in the mornings so they may go downstairs and out into the world for their morning check up. I do believe that they miss the alpacas. I see Jiggs over around the paddocks as though she is waiting for something... they have begun to spend more time with the horse. This is not necessarily a good thing since they like to spend time rolling around in the poop. We thought we had a buyer for the horse and she was supposed to come and see the horse on Saturday but she never showed up... but the people who are buying our house are also interested in buying the horse so hopefully something will work out. Yesterday I asked Sir Arsewipe what he was going to do with Little Monster and he said, "SPCA". I then asked what he was doing with Midnite.... he said I don't know because the lady who he will be house sitting for does not want animals... and he said it was hard enough with Bailey. If it were me I would send Bailey back to the SPCA and take Midnite... poor old cat. I haven't told Daughter #1 yet since she would be horrified to know that Midnite will be put down. Collateral damage from divorce is dreadful. Midnite has been with us for 13 years and to have him put to sleep because... well we won't go down that road. Maybe there will be a better solution.
I am amazed at how cool Sir Arsewipe is... he seems to have no feelings at all. He doesn't seem to care about anything... and while I understand that more and more I am realizing just how little I knew him... I really never thought of him, even at his worst, as uncaring. I really can't wrap my head around it. Really.... it's something that I can't figure out at all. Ok so he fell out of love with me and fell in love with someone else... that happens... it's shitty, but it happens. It's this whole other side of him that is carefully shielded and hidden, that's what I can't figure out, especially how could I have not seen it.
Anyway the weeks are unfolding and I look forward to the end of the summer not because I am looking forward to fall but because I am anxious to get everything done for our divorce and get ourselves away from this heart breaking situation. This week I have to get our financial stuff ready for Wednesday for round one of our divorse negotiations. I have to go and get my formal offer on the house in Nfld signed and witnessed so that I can send it back to the real estate agent in Nfld. At some point in time this week the movers are coming to give us a price on moving our stuff. And then the inspection on this house will be done later in the week. Many things to keep me busy.
With all of the things going on that are going on it is hard to find time with the girls. Last night I got time with Daughter #1 but Daughter #2 was upstairs on her bed reading, and dreaming up fantasy worlds. She had her friend over the night before for a sleepover and a discussion arose about hair. Daughter #2's friend said she liked my hair. I have been blond for the summer and it has been fun but I am beginning to think that the upkeep on keeping myself blond is not really worth the effort, so I will be going back to brunette before I leave here. I may decide to keep a blond steak or two though. We will see. Because Daughter #2's friend has a mother who in another life was a hair dresser, we decided that we would have a day to dye our hair later this week. I have to pick up the bleaching stuff in FSJ when I go in and I guess I will get the brunette dye then too. It will be like having a dye fest. Daughter #1 will get her blue streak and Daughter #2 has decided that a pink one would be cool, meanwhile I will do some brunette dyeing but like I said, to stay with the theme of "streaks" that the girls have decided on, I will keep the lighter streaks in my hair. These are the fun things that we try to fill our lives with. I wonder if it feels like this when your spouse dies... because somehow that is really what it feels like. Only there's bitterness and hurt wrapped in it too. Some mornings I get up and I hate his guts... some mornings I get up and I wish I were well away from here... but some mornings I wake and put my hand out and realize that I am alone. It hurts all over again when that happens. And I am sure the girls are feeling his loss too.... and anger that he has turned their lives so up-side-down. And so we dye and play as much as we can.
All the world is a palette... and life is what you make of it.... right?!
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