Survival For Now

I try to understand why people will do stupid things. The house that I so wanted was once again a problem... when I had the contractor look at it he discovered that the crawl space has a spring in it and that there is a good foot of water on the floor and that the sump pump has been turned off for the last six or so months. That the water is now up so far that the electrical to the hot water tank has been compromised which would mean having to replace electrical and a hot water tank. That blows my mind. How can people even put something like that on the market. It is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Honestly it is a perfectly good house which is being left to go to ruin. As a matter of a fact it is way overpriced... The two houses that I have gotten really serious about have both had major issues because the owners are positively stupid. They have closed up the houses because for one reason or another no one is living there and when they closed it up they did banana cake things so that now the house is worthless!!! Why people do these things is beyond me. So now I am getting serious about one other house which has a beautiful lot... absolutely gorgeous. The house itself is sound... good basement, no rot, excellent siding. Nice amount of space. But it has issues for me in that it is a weird layout. I have once again been talking with the contractor to decide about a few things that will need doing. For one there is no bathroom on the main floor and that is no good for Pops. He has to have facilities where he can get to them easily. That means putting in a small bathroom downstairs. Cha ching,... expense number one. There is no way to get to the kitchen from front foyer where the steps to upstairs are, without going through the living room and dining room which is a problem since I really want to have a space that is identifiably mom's and dad's and a space that is identifiably mine and the girls with both of us having access to the kitchen. That means punching a doorway through to the kitchen and building a wall between the dining room and living room. Cha ching expense number two. It has been rented out for the last few years which means that the carpet is nothing but filth and dirt. We don't know what's under the carpet so the expectation is that there will have to be new flooring. Cha ching expense number three. There are only three bedrooms which will mean that the Daughters will have to share a room... and while there is no expense there... they will eat each other alive I am thinking.  Oh lordy... how do I make that work? I am going to make an offer though. Hopefully when I sell moms and dads house here then I can make some of the changes that will need to happen there. When everything comes together you will see where I am going and the place I will be living because I will be posting pictures. The nice thing about this house is the land... it has an absolutely beautiful waterfront piece of land with a view worth a million bucks. If I can just get this one... wow! But it is all about negotiating a price that I can afford now.  We shall see.

Life continues in this long black hole headed to who knows where. I am hopeful that when I come out on the other side... there will be peace. I continue to write poetry and had a go at one yesterday... but I was not satisfied to post it on Feathermist.  Sir Arsewipe still comes and goes as though he has a right. Daughter #1 feels he does have a right and we discussed breaking points and setting boundaries and I know she doesn't understand that as long as he is coming and going from this house there is no healthy way forward for me. He has moved on with his life and uses the truck at will, going back and forth in the evening between where he is living and his chit's dwelling. Meanwhile I am stuck in a limbo with no vehicle after hours. I have to leave this place... and the sooner the better, and I seem to be the only one who understands that. We will sign a offer on our house today and that will be hard and fast. As a result, I am beginning today to clear the sunroom out and then begin to put the things that are going with us back in here... that way we can begin the process of getting the rest of the house ready for our big moving sale. It will also be easier for the movers to figure out how much it will cost to ship everything.

Everything stems on this move now and getting our house in Nfld. I wake up each morning with my stomach doing flip flops. I am excited about going there but I am also scared poopless. All night long the "what ifs" party on my bed and keep me awake.  But then I think about my house on the shore and the icebergs floating past and I think, "wow, it's really happening!" This will work... it just has to.

There are still mixed emotions about Sir Arsewipe, I want him to suffer as horribly as we have, I hope he ends his days a very old and lonely man.... I want to bat that (insert nasty word here) with which he is fraternizing up the side of the head... and that's mild to what I wish on her sometimes.... but then there are times when I don't give a damn and think the stupid (insert another nasty word here) can have the bugger.

As an exercise, and in an effort to wrap my head around the fact that I am now single and owe him no faith... I have begun looking at men... I check them out regularly.... and what I have concluded is "scary"! Oh dear... but then they are probably thinking the same thing about me. So for now, I am content in my own skin... which more and more, I seem to be treating as a bit of an art canvas. The girls and I are contemplating tattoos... wee ones in inauspicious places. But there will be more on that later.  Also for now, we are having the fun of paying attention to our appearances and buying inexpensive jewelry etc... it is a release from our former careful selves. We do our nails regularly in whatever colour suits our moods. We put make-up on when we go anywhere and we are not shy about eating lunch out. This will not continue for long I am thinking, but for now it helps to fill the void in our lives.

Yesterday I actually managed a decent conversation with him... except he at one point cut me off and tried to shut me up but I didn't let him. I finished my sentence and then got up and walked away... because you see it doesn't matter to me anymore... One of those days and probably in the not too distant future, I will tell you the end of Sir Arsewipe's and my story and then you will all understand why I am moving through this the way that I am. Till then I will ask you to bear with me as I survive the only way I know how. Hopefully at some point I will do more than survive... hopefully at some point I will live.... and so will we all.