I am also worried that I will not be able to make my spinning and weaving my main source of income... that is my goal... but somehow I am worried that it will not be enough.
My goal when I decided to move to Nfld was to find a house in which I could live and not owe one blessed penny on it. No mortgage would mean that my living expenses would be just the day to day expenses, with insurance once a year and property taxes once a year. I also am aiming at owning my vehicle outright. But vehicles are one big flippin' expense anyway and if I am not making payments on a car then I will be saving money for a new one when the one I own wears out. That's pretty much assured. Mine and the daughters basic needs will be met in the food I can provide us with, heat and light, and the clothing which we will need. I do realize that Sir Arsewipe will have to pay child support and some spousal support but when the girls turn 18 (which is not in the too distant future all obligation ends). There are laws that say that he has to pay me for longer than that because we have been married for 20 years but for all intents and purposes he can renege at any time and unless I am willing to haul him into court at my own expense that means that I cannot fool around and play at anything... I have to find something that pays me and pays me well and I have to do it by the time the girls enter university.... that's three years away.
After all that I have been through with him I can see that trusting him to do the right thing after the girls are of age is not an option. The first few days after this all blew up in my face I really felt that I could trust that he wouldn't see me hurting... but then I started to notice little nuances in his behavior that set off alarm bells. He talks about how he won't see me hurting... but I am thinking that he is only concerned in so much as he doesn't want to see the girls hurting... me, he doesn't give a s**t about. The other day when we had our early morning confrontation, that was driven home in a way that I knew was coming. When I told him that he was nothing more to me than a paycheck he said that he didn't owe me anything... that I could have had a career at anytime during our marriage if I had put my mind to it... and that I had been the one to choose to be a stay at home mom. (That's not true... we both decided that the girls needed one parent at home with them even as teenagers because that is when they can go so wrong.) It didn't really surprise me because I had seen little inklings of it in the last few weeks and my friends all warned me not to count on his money to support me. I didn't, ... so I have been making my own plans.
What does a 47 year old woman who has never really had a job much less a career do to keep herself fed and cared for. I mean if you had a 47 year old woman sitting across from you applying for a job and you asked her what her experience was and she said very little... I raised my kids... I paid the bills... I made sure that everyone was cared for, I made up household budgets... I was a lay preacher for 10 years and I worked as a temp for Northern Lights College filling in for the Continuing Education Co-ordinator for two years. I have served on all sorts of boards in volunteer positions... I am a spinner and weaver and artist and I know a lot about the construction business and have great ideas for renovating homes, I can figure out my way around the internet and a computer... but I have no real training, you would probably laugh me out of your office.
I fear that my Father... already has me branded as a failure since he informed me yesterday that I had better make sure that whatever house I buy is solid and will not need loads of work every year since I will not be able to afford it... and I thought to myself... well that says it all, when my own father thinks that I won't succeed. I mean whose to say that I won't make my way through the world with a career that pays equally good as Sir Arsewipe's and whose to say that I won't be able to fix my house constantly.... but you know, this world we live in is not fair... or just... it simply is. And the way it is, is a school of hard knocks for most women.
The whole mess I find myself in makes me cringe.... and scares the bloody hell out of me. Some nights I lie awake, and wonder what in the hell I am going to do... because the reality is I have no usable skills in the workforce...
Am I doomed to failure before I begin....
The one thing I know is: have a good look at me and teach your daughters about me because you can say to them, "see sweetheart, there's goes a lady in whose footsteps you should never follow."
So, where do I go from that?
*By the way... the painting at the top is called, Best Find A New Way. I couldn't find the name of the artist.
2 comments:
#1 - Child support continues while your children are in post secondary education until they are finished. As does their medical coverage under your (his) plans. You can ask as part of your divorce that you be kept under his medical coverage. Kids coverage by him should be mandatory.
#2 - There is always public assistance. They usually have some job training available as well.
#3 - Start at a temp agency. Sometimes they provide some training before placement as well. Plus you get to try out different types of jobs.
#4 - New paths always feel kind of rocky at first, but it will get smoother. Just give yourself a little break, and a little time. Pops must be feeling the stress too. I don't think that he would intentionally make you feel bad. Chalk it up to age. Mine uses the poor me attitude. 'If I was gone you wouldn't have to worry about me.' Can you make the pity pot any bigger!! Jeez! Where in NFLD are you looking at houses? You are intelligent, hard working and capable. You will do just fine.I always read your words, they are so.....raw. And I totally understand, and have been there in so many similiar ways. Wish I was closer so I could help out more. Hugs. Love ya, Marnie.
Marnie, You are an inspiration to me in so many ways. Yes I know you have been here and I look at you and think maybe just maybe I can stand on my own two feet like you did and are doing. By the way best wishes for your upcoming nuptials. I wish you all the best. As for me, my plan is to get myself settled in Nfld and you know, sort of get the lay of the land and then step off the abyss and see what happens! My mantra up to this point has been one step at a time, one day at a time. Hopefully that will keep me in good stead.
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