So begins another day with Daughter #2 still in bed and Daughter #1 away and not able to text me from Vernon. She is at a ranch taking part in round robin activities with two other patrols besides her own, and informed me that she would be out of cell range for three days. That's ok because at least I know she is ok. She has informed me that she is thinking about the armed forces for a career option after she finishes school. I worry about that... what mother would want her child to go through basic training to be sent overseas to be exposed to the worst of humanity, where life is disregarded as little or nothing, where it is considered cheap. But she is her father's daughter and I think Sir Arsewipe really and truly has never been happy in his life because he always wanted to join the armed forces and never did so. He blames his mother and father for taking away the opportunity when he was right out of high school because they would not sign his forms... but he could have done it after he came of age. He didn't because ultimately he is not a risk taker.... the biggest risk he has ever taken was dumping me and the kids and then he only did it once he had the safety net of a new woman to encourage him. Meanwhile I would not hold Daughter #1 back from the armed forces if that is truly what she wants to do.... but that does not mean that I would not worry about her... nor does it mean that I will not encourage her to think of other options.
I woke early once again this morning... for the last few days I have begun to feel in limbo with no real concrete future ahead. I know what I want but everything seems to be conspiring against me. Waking early seems to be the time for me to lie abed tossing and turning trying to figure out what I am going to do and how I am going to do it. It was 3:39 a.m. when I woke and I watched the sun come up and then finally fell back to sleep at around 5:30. I should have gotten up since I woke from a startling dream of being told that I was unloved in front of his whole family and that I was a terrible wife and that I no longer made him happy. I woke from that disoriented and full of anguish. It was not a good feeling to live it all again. It is not the first time I have lived that dream since the 6th of June and I expect it will not be the last time. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I am beginning to think that maybe some counselling might be a good idea.
With this limbo of no sale on the house and not even any serious interest at the moment I am beginning to lose hope in my dreams coming to fruition. I am trying to stay positive... and I am trying to stay mad at him... it gives me something solid to hold onto in this vortex in which I find myself swirling. It is stupid to not be mad at him... and I am mad but somehow I feel overwhelmingly sad that Michael... well it does no good to call him names or to dwell on the fact that he is not the man I thought he was. He has lost every ounce of respect that I ever had for him.I can't believe some of the things that he has written down and I can't believe he was able to hide his feeling so profoundly. What I think I can't believe the most is what a stupid fool I was to believe him. But that is part of the limbo that I am in... I do not know if I can trust my own judgement of people. How will I ever be able to look at a person and tell if they are a shit and a shyster. I even have begun to fear being scammed with a scam artist. What this whole thing has done has been to completely undermine me. I think that because I am generally a nice and genuine person I have been put upon by the worst of society and what's to stop that from happening again.
I know others live through this and I am sure I will too but I'll be honest I don't think I will come out of this the same person. Certainly not kind and trusting in the goodness of human nature. I have seen too much of the other side. It scares me.
Every day I sit down and I try to think of something to write about other than the big "D" but it always seems to come back to that.
Yesterday I got the add out for Mom's and Dad's place. There are adds all over town and a PSA announcing that their house is for sale. Each night I beg God to please see me through this mess and get me to where I need to be. I need to be away. Soon his chit will be back from Ghana where she has spent the last three weeks and then going out of this house will be a whole lot more strategic because if I run into her I am sure I will have a heart attack.... or worse. Soon, he will be back too... and I would like never to see his face again...this side of hell would be too soon. And so each day I continue to unpack... pack.... sort.... organize. And that is what I will be doing once again today. Yesterday was a bit of a holiday since I went to town to order myself a new pair of glasses. Then we went out to a friend's house for dinner and stayed till 10:30 at which time we came home in time to feed and water the animals... Dad will be coming today at some point for his monthly haircut... so the day is getting on and so must I....
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