Black Fingernails

I am looking at my fingernails and thinking how disgusting... The logwood dyeing that I did the other day has turned my fingernails black.  After all day yesterday and all night using water to wash dishes etc... you would think that they would be a little cleaner than they were.  But they are not. They are black and I guess they will be like that until the logwood dye eventually goes away. I have finished my 25 shades of logwood and it looks awesome but I am still not posting pics yet until the skeins of yarn all dry. Then there will be pictures that show their true colour. I am going to get going on my project for level 3 at that point. The great thing is there's not a lot left to finish the level 3 homework. I am hoping to really focus on that and get it done in the next few weeks. Then I am going to get on to the in depth study.  You have no idea how lovely it will be to get started on that.

Selling the house doesn't seem to be much of an option right now. We have turned down one offer which was 29,000 less than we were asking... we had dickered back and forth for a while and had been really nice about dropping a price. But they still wouldn't go above 29,000 less than what we were asking, which is just not going to happen. Most people are only willing to come down by 10,000 or 15,000 but 29,000 I think they must have been totally out to lunch. So no sale at least not right now.  We also need to get really serious about selling Mom's and Dad's house. I have to have enough money to buy a house in Nfld without having a mortgage. That is the only way I can move back there. All the stars need to align to make this work really. Still I am hopeful that it will work eventually.

If you are wondering why I am not talking about the shimozzle that I am in with regards to divorce etc... well that's because I have decided that enough is enough. I do have to get on with my life at some point. There will be comments from time to time but I am really going to try to start moving on. Sir Arsewipe is gone and as far as he's concerned he's moving on to better things and I don't constitute better things in his life. We have discussed trying to be friends but that's just not going to happen. I have discovered too many negative things about him and his secret actions behind my back and how he has felt for such a very long time. When someone lies to you so profoundly for so many years then there is no basis for any kind of relationship. No trust, no respect, = no anything. Yes he is the Daughters father and I will have to deal with him in that capacity but really I want nothing to do with him at all. I wish I could wave a magic wand and be back home. I wish I could wave it again and have our divorce final. It turns my stomach to have to talk to him because he won't even talk to me about anything... he turns away from me and ignores me and walks away and acts like I'm the shit on his shoe to be scraped off. And then after the calling down that I gave him for using our personal email address to send love letters and poetry to his chit I don't think friendship is an option at this point. Once nasty things get said over and over and once nasty things are done over and over there's not a whole lot to work with. Suffice it to be said that the sooner I am financially able to stand on my own two feet and the sooner I can get away in every possible manner the better.

I do still miss the family fun times we had together. I miss Daughter #1 who texts me regularly. I miss companionship but the man who constituted so much of my life is gone.... completely and unutterably gone. I am amazed how one person can change so very radically in such a short time. One year ago I was planning our camping trip to Cameron Lake but already at that time he was gone in his heart and just going through the motions of being a husband.... he is quite an actor really.

So I sit here and look at my black fingernails and realize that my life with him is kind of like that. Some crazy shit turned our love black (if we ever had love because according to him he never loved me the way he should have... obligation is not love... still can't wrap my head around that one) and now slowly I am washing it away... it won't take long now till my nails are clean and so is my life.