Finally A Good Night's Sleep

After a month of raking myself over the coals I have convinced myself that I can go on. The girls are full of plans and the parents are full of plans. I had a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my husband had at sometime been lost to me. But. This week of taking refuge in this house that belongs to my friend has been a chance to heal, a chance to see what life will be like. It is too close to him. I have realized things while here that have been my own wake up call. Right now I am thinking that if I moved to China it wouldn't be far enough. I can not get far enough fast enough. Everything in me screams RUN. While I was working on becoming a Master Spinner my Michael died and in his place was reborn a shadow of who he was. There is meanness there now. I see it in his face but he tries to hide it from me. He is not the kind and generous person I knew. He died on June 6th and dies a little more each day. - - So I have spent this week hiding away from this world of meanness and harshness and I have found another little oasis in a Tsunami hellish reality. It is a house on the banks of the mighty Peace River. It is a house among friends. I wish I could stay here. But on Saturday he will clear out and I will go back to the log house we live in. It does not feel at all like home. Everything there feels foreign and strange. This little house has become my new home. Here I am among friends... friends who care about me. Who think of me as worthy. Who don't think of me as a ball and chain. Here I am not someone to be rid of. These people care that I have my own ideas and wants and dreams. I will miss these friends of mine. These people who give a damn when I go to Nfld. in some ways I wish I could buy this wee house on the banks of this river. I wish I could win a lottery so that I could go to Nfld. to live but return here each summer to renew old friends and love this place that I have come to care about, this valley of water and eagles, of beauty and power. It has one and only one draw back. I look out the window to the river and I can see Michael and I whipping around the bend as we came in to our landing point a few years ago when we did our river trip. It was a beautiful time and I always wanted to go again but we didn't... For so many reasons that I think are stupid now. He was busy in the summer and I was distracted by my spinning and weaving. We never made time. We never made the effort. He resented having to work in summer time and he blames me for that. But what happened was that he didn't see the future, and he didn't have the patience. He never was a patient person. He lost the dream. So I sit here looking over the deck out to the river that drew me in and touched my soul and I will move on. I will find someone who is patient and we will have different dreams. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Oo kept the dream. I loved with all my might. I did not cheat, steal, or lie, I did not hurt our children our tear apart our family. He did all of those things and is still doing them. He is a sad and pathetic human and I am better off without this new him.