Packing

Since I got back on Saturday I have begun the arduous task of packing up. Saturday started with the Christmas stuff. It's been just over a month since Mike dropped... actually I need to say this differently... since I discovered Mike's secret bomb. I have discovered that he married me not for love but because he felt obligated. It has to do with a big breakup I was going through when I first met Mike. He felt he had to marry me since I had broken up with a rich guy to be with him. I am horrified to know that he has never loved me... Just "liked me". And that's why we got married.  Me completely in love... and he just liked me. I have been discovering more and more about this man that I thought I knew so well. At first my heart was broken but now it feels like it is embedded in ice. Every day the shroud of secrecy is peeled back a little further and I see the real Mike. He has been living a double life for twenty years. I feel contaminated with shear evil. Absolutely penetrated with sick disease. At times I don't know what to do with myself. I gave him everything... I gave him my heart. I feel violated and taken advantage of. And so I pack. The Christmas stuff was first, burning things that I attached sentiment to. Then I did several photo albums ripping photos in two where we were taken together.... he gets his half and I get mine. It has been all one great and masterful lie. What a fool I am. What a fool I am... When I leave I will not look back. I hope to never lay eyes on him again. He has taken away any chance I ever had at believing in love.  Is there such a thing?!! I look around me and see old couples who seem to love each other. It looks so real but so out of reach.  I don't think it is in the books... at lest not for me...

Today, I will keep on packing with my eye to the future. I look forward to the ocean and sinking my feet into the soft sand where the ocean curls it's tides around my ankles. I look forward to the salt driven winds. I will look forward to unpacking in a haven away from the devil incarnate, where hopefully the hounds of hell cannot find me, for they have been biting at my heels a very long time and I didn't know they were there. 

We go through this life innocent to the evils that penetrate the layers of reality. But they are there. They are there my friends. Certainly to God, I have had my share.

Next up books to pack... and I guess it is time to get on with it...