Waking Up

I have been sleeping off and on for the last few hours but not really feeling like I was well and truly sleeping deeply. I haven't had a really good night sleep since the 6th of June. The 6th of June was my "Waking Up Day".  I returned back to this place that I have called home for so long to discover that this is reality. This is my life. This is well and truly happening.I knew it was but somehow it slapped me up the side of the head again when I arrived. We left Olds yesterday morning at 5:50 a.m. I was driving because the friend that I usually drive with has thrown out her back and was feeling that she couldn't sit at a steering wheel for a long period of time and drive without her back becoming really bad. So I drove. Let me tell you I put the peddle to the floor and watched the pavement roll under us as I said goodbye to Olds and that oasis that I have enjoyed so much for so long. Ten days of trying to put this hell all behind me only to find that the mess was well and truly waiting for me when I got back.  I got home about 4 p.m. and was so glad to see the Daughters. They have missed me and really needed their mom to be a stable and supporting parent. So I wrapped my arms around them and gave them a squeeze and thanked God for these two beautiful individuals who are so wonderful. Narmy too was happy to see me and jumped all around wagging his tail and making high pitched squeaks and yelps. It was a good welcome home though somewhat stilted in the fact that He was there too. I think it is a good thing that we will be moving on. Everything between us is awkward and stilted. Now our plans begin... well and truly.... we have people coming to look at the house today... they have been here before and at first I thought they were not interested but it seems that they are more interested than we thought. We also have somebody who is interested in the house where Mom and Dad live. I hope we sell both of them then we can clear our debts and I can really get serious about buying a house in Newfoundland. I have to keep hoping that God will put something good in my path. He told me he thinks he has made the right decision.... I couldn't quite figure that one out. He "thinks"? "He" thinks? Well I know that this decision is the right one. For me it is no looking back now. There is no room for forgiveness... it is a moot point. I don't forgive him because I don't hold anything against him. People change and I guess that's what happened to us... I'm just sorry that he didn't try harder before it got to this point... and I'm even sorrier that he didn't do something about it before it got to the point of another woman. In the end I was the one who had the balls to say which way I thought our futures should go.... he kept trying to say the words but couldn't get it out and it was painful to watch. I hope he finds whatever he is looking for but it is not with me and it the sooner we get on with our lives the better.... separately.... I need space... big time. I need it to put him out of my mind because what has happened for me is that the man that I love, the man that I know... was a lie. He lied to me on so many levels that I'm amazed I didn't see it. What's coming out of him is that for a long time.... for several years he has been lying to me about all sorts of things. He has not been happy and when I reflect on it I can see that he has been looking for something that I never could give him. I tried to be the best wife and mother that I could be and that just wasn't enough. I can't draw anymore blood so it is good we are not going to be together any more.

Sorry to be so cathartic here... but I suppose if I wrote a book about it then it would be equally painful... and equally public.

Anyway, today is all about waking up.  It is a beautiful morning full of possibility. We may sell the house. We may sell both houses... I may buy the first big thing I have ever owned in my life. I am moving on... and I guess he is too. Now we just have to help the girls get on with their lives too. I remember when Daughter #1 was born and I looked at him and I said... "now we are a family".... And when Daughter #2 came along it really got cemented. But sixteen years later.... I am saying, "now we are not a family". I think of the girls and I as the three amigos... and mom and dad with us are the sidekicks. We will go into the future... and so will he. Now if that's not waking up, I don't know what is.