I have spent a great deal of time this evening reading the biblical tracts on divorce. There are several very telling verses in the bible about divorce. Divorce in no uncertain terms is wrong. Malachi 2:16. There are exceptions that in the case of adultery then divorce is permitted but in no uncertain terms is remarriage allowed. There are many scholars who can argue the point and no doubt better than I, but when you read the words of Jesus in Matthew 19:9 there is only one interpretation. Believe me, I tried to figure out a way around it... I do not want to spend the rest of my days alone, so I sat there thinking about what those words were saying to me. But there is no denying that Jesus says there can be no remarriage unless one or the other of the divorced spouses dies then and only then are the vows that you have taken in your marriage ceremony broken. "Let no man put asunder" really means just that. If I remarry, even if I am the "hurt" party in a divorce then I am considered an adulteress. He, in the eyes of God, is already a sinner and is committing adultery. We may separate and divorce in civil law but the law of God says that once you are married then you are married for life.
This is a harsh reality for me. I have spent the last month wrapping my head around the fact that He no longer wants me and that further he has moved on and found someone else that he wants to be with. The sad thing is that he is lying to himself and me and everyone by saying that it has not become adultery but it has... I know that... I have proof.
I hate talking about this because it makes me sound like some kind of religious zealot when I'm not. But I do believe in God and I am a Christian and I did spend twelve years of my life preaching in the Anglican church as a lay preacher.... it does matter to me. It very much matters to me. When we got married we decided to have our ceremony consecrated, not only in the regular way but we also knelt before God and drank wine and ate bread on our knees as part of our ceremony. We consecrated our love with the blood and body of Christ. For me that was huge... I mean huge. And yet here I sit twenty years later and I think the whole thing was a great big fat sham. I sat here today going over and over and over the doctrines on divorce and remarriage and realized slowly that there is no future for me, that my vows were true. That I meant them.... I sit here and try to equate that as a 47 year old woman, set free by her husband, does not mean that I have freedom at all because in the eyes of God that piece of paper that the court will hand me will mean nothing next to what I have promised God.What I promised was to love honour and cherish until death do us part... and nothing comes between my promise to God and me. I wonder if there is someone out there who can help me come to terms with any other outcome. I wonder if there is any point in even thinking that a divorce is anything other than an agreement to help with upkeep and maintenance of the woman you married. A financial agreement.... a contract that sets out the establishment of how you will live in the future apart from each other... a contract that allows for the care of your children.... that is what a divorce is... it does not turn your marriage over. It does not get rid of what has been promised to God.
So you see tonight I am stuck in quicksand... and if there is anyone who can haul me out I'd like to know who it is.
This has been in my mind from the first moment that this really came home... that was two hours after Michael had made it known that he wanted out of our relationship. Until then I was reeling in shock and none of it made sense. But as the reality of it sunk in I began to worry about my promises and how they would play out. The intimacy of a love bond is like no other. It cannot be replaced with friendship or the love of your children or parents because it is intimate. That is a deep and residing bond. "And the two shall become one." God really wasn't kidding when he gave those words to us. For me the bond that I had with Mike was deep and true.... so I wonder how I will ever move on... if I can move on. I wonder if I can face God at the end of my life and say I moved on and found someone else... will I be accepted in the eyes of God as anything other than a sinner, if I try to have a life without Michael.
I can only pray that God will be full of grace toward me whatever the future holds.
3 comments:
Frankie - aaahh....religious dogma, this really is not my forte, but it is about interpretations. What about looking at 'death' as the 'death of a relationship'. Clearly this is true. "You are dead to me!" You have many friends who you can hash this stuff out with. What about entering into a contract falsely? He has said he has done that. I don't think that you spend twenty years in a relationship like yours as an obligation. We all twist our own thoughts around to justify our feelings. You have lived your life true and have done nothing wrong, but you have no control over someone else. Are you already thinking about remarrying??? That is a lot of big steps ahead of you. How about just a baby step or two in the meantime?! Love ya lots. Big hug for you. Marnie
Your absolutely right Marnie it is too early to think about relationships with anyone else... and no I am not thinking about remarrying not at this point at all... I can't even wrap my head around holding the hand of another man... I think it is more the question of what my promise to God meant. I promised to love honour and cherish him till death do us part. So how do I change that. For me the man I was holding hands with when I said it is the man that I will be married to until one of us passes on. These things cross your mind and you know me... the philosophy behind something like that intrigues me. I cannot put civil law above the law of God. But that is just me. I do think that maybe some day I might find some kind of relationship because I don't want to be a lonely old lady. Loneliness scares me. But I am only 47 yet and there hopefully are many years ahead of me... I do have an uncle who married when he was 72 and lived till he was 98. His wife lived till she was 103. They had more years married when they passed away than Michael and I do now. I do not know what the future holds. And for now I am perfectly fine being on my own... but there is always the thought that if he can find someone and move on then why can't I?! Do you think God forgives something like that.... cause I'm not sure.
We need to talk.
Post a Comment