First of all I want to say how cathartic it has been to write here and how much I appreciate those who have stayed with me through all of this. I am hoping at some point I will be able to get my sense of humour back. Right now it seems to be pretty close to nil.
I would never wish this heartache on anyone. It is a horrible feeling. I try to stay focused on the good things and try not to dwell on the bad but when someone you know and have loved for twenty years suddenly sees you as fat, lazy, crazy, and not worth his time anymore it does tend to make you look in the mirror and think, what's the point. Most days I try to remember that I did have a life before him and because of that I KNOW that I will have a life after him. But some days are hard and this one is is one of those days. I find that I am teary more than not and every time I feel another flood of tears I run to the bedroom where I get the self help book that the woman who started the Fairways Divorce Solutions program and I read... I read some more and soon I find I am distracted enough that the waterworks turn off and I am able to do something else. Either that or I sit down with my journal and I write hate notes to Sir Arsewipe... that helps and if that doesn't help then I go into our family email and read his love letters to his chit. That really turns off the waterworks in a hurry.
Today is a bad day though because while I am happy in some ways, there is going to be a very large reckoning very soon. First of all let me say that we have had another offer on our house. If all goes well I am going to accept it... and if all goes well I will be buying a house in Nfld in very short order. If all goes well I will be out of here within the month and I will not be looking back I guarantee that. Before I leave I will also be confronting Sir Arsewipe with what I have found out... he doesn't know that I know the things that I know... but I know far more than he told me or for that matter what he was willing to tell me. I am wondering what the outcome of that will be since not only do I know things but so do the Daughters as well. We are horrified to learn some of the things that he has been saying and doing in his alternate life. Then in recent conversations with friends around town, I have discovered that I really was the last to know that he was doing the rush with his chit. People were seeing them together and not telling me (out of embarrassment or just not wanting to get involved, who knows). But he is such an idiot because everyone knew he was with her... and everyone knows he is acting like a teenager... when I think about it it is laughable... pathetic... and so down right stupid. Why did he leave it so long... all he did was further hurt everyone. If he wanted out he should have said so... at least then I would have nothing to berate him with... but then maybe it is better that I do have something for which to berate him... it will help me to hate him... and mark my words... I will hate him eventually. Just one more step on the path to putting this all behind me.
I find myself in a very strange dichotomy. There are times when I think that a few bruises on his face wouldn't go astray and then I think sometimes why did it all have to go so sour... why couldn't I have been one of the lucky ones to have found real and true love. I really and truly thought he was one of the good ones! What makes it worse is that there is very little divorce in my family... even back to my cousins... you have no idea what kind of a failure you feel when you look around you and everyone has happy marriages and you have been described as fat, lazy, and crazy.... (oh and by the way he doesn't say those things to my face... but he sure as heck says it behind my back... and I have it in writing). There is a cruel streak in that man that I never knew was there... boy can he act. Academy award for Sir Arsewipe! Meanwhile I try not to dwell on the fact that I have a failed marriage... and no one else seems to.
Anyway, I am hoping that there is a house that will meet my needs in the place that I want to go. I have looked at five or six now and all of them have been inappropriate... so maybe this one will pan out. I sure hope so, because to stand on the shores of the north Atlantic and feel the rolling sea as it thunders and heaves will be a balm to my soul and will help ease the loss I know I will feel when I leave this place for good. I know there will be so much that I will miss... but I also know that there will be much that I will be going to. Thinking thoughts of Nfld. helps to ease the sorrow I feel knowing I will be leaving my youth, my dreams, my life partner and this oh so lovely valley that I have come to love. While I leave behind the forest glen bordering our property I will be gaining some of the best berry picking grounds anywhere. While I will be leaving the river that churned and beckoned me to canoe it, I will be by the sea with all its crustations and life. While I will be leaving the fabled dragons/monsters of the Peace, I will be returning to the very real and wonderful life of whales moving about off shore. While I will be leaving the mountains that watch over this valley, I will be returning to mountains of ice silently floating past my home.
And as for myself, I will try to find the good in now being "damaged goods"... the thing is to make something beautiful out of what was before, so that the transformed is equally beautiful and worthy as it was in the beginning... if not more so. Quite a goal don't you think?!
5 comments:
I think the emotional ups and downs are pretty much part of the process. You are having to let go of a lot right now as well as deal with a major life change. There's no way it's not going to hurt, or generate tears. You are in grief and it will take ease only in its own time. Who knows what the future may bring. I know several people who went through divorces that were traumatic enough they weren't interested in new relationships - but nevertheless, found new love and strong relationships, often when they were least looking for that.
I am definitely not looking for a new relationship...for once in my life I think it is high time to stand on my own two feet... if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can do it. And if love should ever come knocking on my door I think I will be very cautious... as I said I am damaged goods so that damage leaves a lasting effect... not sure I will ever want to go down that road again. Probably I will focus on me for a change. Grief is a funny thing. You go through so many stages... I really couldn't tell you what stage I'm in right now... all I know is it feels probably what soldiers describe after experiencing trauma.... PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder leaves you unable to concentrate and in a state of constant agitation, then you feel like your disorganized and have no direction. That is kind of where I am and that is not to say that I am trying to belittle what our soldiers go through but I'm just saying that those symptoms seem to apply. Tally ho off to bed now...
As painful as it is for me to say, I hope your home sells and your new life begins. From there it's onward and upward as the say.
Luv,
c
Truly, I wasn't meaning that you were thinking of "love" down the road. And PTSD is a valid comparison. I just meant that we do heal over time - however long it takes - and life can still produce good surprises as well as the bad ones. I agree that building a new life for yourself on your own terms has to be the immediate goal.
LLL I do hope that I heal over time... as a matter of a fact I am counting on it. I didn't mean to worry you the whole looking for love thing I think has become a bit of a sensitive issue. I have one friend who is already trying to set me up with a fellow and another one who has suggested that I need male friends and to be open to love if it comes rolling along. Not to mention the whole biblical thing that I wrote there a few weeks ago. I don't mean to say that it won't happen... maybe in some far off distant future but right now I'm not there. I still cry nightly about the fact that Mike has thrown me aside. You feel like a used piece of toilet paper and you are not much good to anyone even yourself when you feel so gross.
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