Packing

I spent the evening packing last night. Not only for Olds but I was helping him pack books, videos, and Cd's. We are beginning the process of dividing our lives. After twenty years there is a lot to do. Somehow you don't realize how enmeshed your lives become when living together. He has stopped wearing his wedding ring and so I decided that maybe it was time to do something about mine. I haven't worn it for many years since I always found that the diamond would dig into my finger so I got it out of my jewelry box along with two bracelets that he has given me recently and I walked down the steps. I handed him the rings with the statement that I wanted the rings melted down and the diamond divided for the girls. He will have it made into something for them.  Then I turned to the girls and I gave them each a bracelet. They are bracelets that he bought for me while in Vancouver where his love affair started with his new trick. The bracelets turn my stomach since I know they were guilt gifts. They were copper and silver overlay in a Haida design. One had the sun on it and the other had a butterfly on it.... Daughter #1 got the Sun Because she is my sunshine cheery and happy all the time, and Daughter #2 got the butterfly for reasons to do with cocoons and shyness and coming out into world fully formed and beautiful.

I didn't cry.... which is a first.

This morning over breakfast we all sat and had a lovely walk down memory lane talking about all the things that we have kept from the girl's childhood. Rocking horses and doll houses and dolls and games, etc... Much of it will have to be sold before we leave. Laughter prevailed but at one point he left the room and he never returned. He once again is turning his back on the past. I wonder if he realizes what he has done.

There is a very surreal feeling about it all. He lives in the trailer in the yard and showers and eats in the house. Most of the time we are friendly and we try to keep our nasty thoughts to ourselves.  But occasionally things bubble over and when they do I leave for the bedroom where there is peace... or he leaves for the great outdoors where there is... whatever it is he is looking for. The surreality of it all is sometimes overwhelming. I feel like a Picasso.... one side of my face is up and the other side of my face is down.  And all around me is a Salvadore Dali painting with clocks melting as time ticks into an unknown future.

Only two weeks ago life was so normal... how odd it is to be packing knowing that when I leave today I may be coming back to a very different situation. Two days after I return from Olds he will be leaving for Vernon. I may see him very little from here on in. While I think it is the healthiest option I can't help wondering if I am in a dream.... Allison in Wonderland chasing the white rabbit.