Reflections On This Busy Time....

Monday night there was a Bon Voyage party. It was held in my honour... everyone was so kind and they all made me feel so good. Of course I didn't make it through without tears. We ate some yummy food and chatted and gabbed and then we took a picture or two. These are the people who care what happens to me. These are the people that I care about too. They are my friends and it felt good to know that they wanted to celebrate the fact that I had been their friend and that I had been a good one. Yesterday the church gave us a little send off as well. There were good wishes and kind words and they were all heart felt and I felt honoured to know these people. These are the people who I will be sorry to leave. These are the people with which I will stay in touch. The last few days have been difficult ones and I don't expect it to get easier as time draws closer and closer to the close. We are leaving at around 9 a.m. on Sunday and we will go as far as we can with Dad.  It will be a little worrisome since he will have to stop regularly to put his feet up. Till then though we continue to sort and organize our stuff that's here since hopefully we can get the movers to move the majority of it after we leave. Staying at Mom's and Dad's place has meant that I am rarely seeing Sir Arsewipe especially now that he is at the school. But the chit (and believe me I use stronger words for her when not on this venue) is also back to work at the school too. I would love to tattoo across her face.... I am a home wrecker... and then walk away. It would serve her right. Yesterday I was at the stop sign by the post office and she passed by in her car, and honestly, I can't see what he sees in her. It was the first time I have seen her since this all happened and she looked like she had sucked prunes. Squat, fat, little dork!

I have been told to let the bitterness go... that's easier said than done. Don't think I sit around trying to hang on to these dreadful feelings. I don't sit down and nurse them. I do try to put them aside. But when your husband of twenty years throws you over as if you are nothing and then informs you that you were an obligation and never a true love you kind tend to feel a little bit bitter. That is one of the reasons for leaving here..... because when it is in your face all the time, you kind of feel like you've just been through the worst assault. When you see them together or even if you see them separately if it is a regular thing it really is hard to let go of this bitterness, especially when you live in the same town and it's a small town.  You work on being "over it" but seeing them is like a little burst of a taser gun being put to your heart every time.

School is back in session this week.  I have had not one kind word or for that matter, any word, from his co-workers and that is because..... I honestly haven't got a clue. I have cooked lunches for them over the years and I have sent baskets of treats etc... I have sent lunches when they were on strike. I have invited most of them to our house on one occasion or another, I have volunteered at the school and demonstrated spinning and weaving and I have served on the School Planning Council but apparently that means nothing. Perhaps they are embarrassed... perhaps they don't want to choose sides. But it is crushing to know that people you have entertained in your home and made welcome and tried to be friends with can be so dismissive.  Not one kind word... not one.

But I am sick of looking back at this place... it is not the town of my heart... my heart got crushed here under the weight of the jackass I married and have been burdened with for twenty years. So instead, these days I try to focus forward.... Forward facing is best. So I am working on getting this house in ship shape order before I go... Yesterday there were four trips to the dump with old things that should have been cleared out of here ages ago. Lamps that don't work properly and chairs that have been hanging together barely, and an old dishwasher that hasn't worked for three years, old mattresses that you wouldn't have your dog lie on, and blanket and sheets that are so frayed they are not worth a cobbler's cuss, even old bookshelves that were barely hanging together. It all made a one way trip to the dump. And good riddance.... it just means less to deal with and more room to get around in this small mobile home I am sharing with my Mom and Dad.

I am beginning to panic as I get closer to the date when I leave. There is still not an agreement in place for spousal and child support. Today I will be in the office of our mediator and I am hoping that the outcome will be good.  I would like to have this all in order before I go. Then there will be a quick course on co-parenting... and then some child custodial issues will be negotiated. We have CPP issue outstanding and hopefully we can say that it is done. He will have to sign a form saying that he has committed adultery and that is why our marriage has broken down and then the whole thing can be signed off and filed in court and then he is free to do whatever he wants and I am free to do what I need to do. How we go into the future from there will be up to us each individually. For me I will be making a new life in a new place with the support of family (cousins, uncles, and aunts, and even my sister) as I make new friends. For him it will be the same old, same old, only he'll be getting his jollies off with a new girl. (Sorry that was a little bitterness that slipped out. I wonder if you can totally let go of the bitterness. Most of the divorced women I know still hold grudges after years of being divorced.)

The picture at the top of today's post seemed particularly significant since I am feeling like I am walking a very fine line between shooting for the stars or falling into the abyss. The last few days have been really tough since for a while there it looked like I might lose the house in Nfld... {see I told you that Murphy lives with me.... I think he has taken to hanging onto my pants and living in my underwear.  If you see me, just tell me to bend over and give Murphy a good swift kick will ya. : ) Oh I love it when my sense of humour comes back a little!} I think we have it all straightened out but honestly I won't feel safe with the house situation until the deed is in a safe deposit box and the keys are in my hands. It is so easy to lose the sale of a house deal because of just shear stupid bad luck... and mine is apparently stupid bad luck. No lottery tickets for me... with my luck I'd win and have to give Sir Arsewipe half!!!!

Today there is a trip to FSJ... probably my last. I have to take the girls to the dentist for a cleaning... Narmin has to go for his booster, I have to pick up a kennel for Jiggs, and a laptop for traveling so that I don't lose all my computer files, I have to get tags for luggage and maybe even a piece or two of luggage and some hair dye since my blondness is beginning to need a pick-me-up and I think the girls want to have at their hair with dye too. I will also, as I said have to go to the Fairways Divorce office and get some more on that sorted too. So there it is. Three days left and still tons to do. But after all is said and done, I can't wait for those three days to go... the hardest one is left... and that will be the days we leave Edmonton on the train and watch as my husband for the last twenty years and the girl's father gets smaller in the distance. I wonder how we will all handle that. I know he'll care some about the girls but I wonder if he'll care a fig about me leaving.... somehow I doubt it and besides his chit will be waiting to cheer him up.

I'm off for another busy day....