Daughter #1 will be 17 this December and when I was her age I struck out on my own. Daughter #2 is going to be 16 in May and she will certainly be looking at getting a job if I can just help ease her through this dreadful shyness that she has developed. They are good girls and I am inordinately proud of them. Daughter #1 had gotten a job in Vernon and had also secured a job at a wee boutique here in HH and was loving every minute of it. She followed through with her job in Vernon and was paid a nice tidy sum. The job at the boutique didn't last since as soon as it was known that we were moving her employer decided to hire someone else who could be trained quickly in Daughter #1's place. so she has lost the job that she loved so much. Daughter #1 is a worry because she has always been shy... but being bullied in school through grade 7 and 8 and in truth ignored through grade 9 has done nothing to boost her confidence. I worry about her because her whole world is sitting in her room making up stories and fantasy worlds. She is an excellent writer and she is an excellent artist ... if she could just put those two things together she could probably get some of her work published. Her biggest drawback is her shyness. Still I am hopeful that she will outgrow this and it will not become debilitating.
I watch my girls getting older and I realize that there have been so many summers that have passed us by and I wish I could snatch them back in an effort to give them more of their youth... a time when life is good and there are no worries. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that their burdens would be added to with this gargantuan and epic life change. Mostly we try to look upon it as an adventure and in all honesty I am not sorry that their horizons will be broadened somewhat. They need to experience a different world and a different culture. It will be a phenomenal experience. But as a mom you can't help worrying.
Today is the first day of school and they should be getting involved with clubs and sports and seeing their friends after months apart and they should be worrying about their makeup and their new clothes and whether or not they have the right binders... instead they are wondering if they will have a house to move into when we get to Nfld. They are worrying about their mother and when she will stop tearing up every five minutes. They are worrying about what their father is doing and whether or not they will have a new step mother by next year. They are worrying about the friends they are leaving behind and whether or not they will fit into their new school. They have far too many worries at this stage in their lives.
Sir Arsewipe seems to be as happy as a pig in sh--. He goes and comes at will, though he will not come into my parents house. I think he feels that he can't face them and he is right... my mother wants to thrash him and my father wants to beat him with his walking cane. In some ways I am thankful for my parents ferociousness but at others times I find it funny... and occasionally I find the whole thing just one more burden that I have to shoulder. I am constantly trying to fix it so that my parents and my almost ex husband don't come face to face.
Like the girls I am worrying too. I am worrying that the sale of the house in Nfld will not go through. I am worrying that I won't be able to get everything done before I leave, I am worrying that I won't have a job when I get where I am going. I am worrying that dad will have serious health issues on the way there. I am worrying about mom and whether she will come through with her senses somewhat intact. I am worrying about getting a mover after we have left and will they take the stuff that needs to go and will I be able to pay for it all. I am worrying about whether or not I can make a home that is fit and livable where I am going. I am worrying that I will hit a brick wall when everything settles down and I am safely tucked away and I won't feel like moving out of my bed for ten years and that I will have a complete breakdown when this whirlwind comes to a halt.
I am sick of worrying.
I don't have time to worry about Sir Arsewipe... but every now and again I do. What kind of weird trip is he on... why is there a huge debt on a credit card in his name that he has only had for two years. Is there more to this than meets the eye (and there's already enough) is he involved with something that he shouldn't be.... will he continue to support me or will I have to go to courts and so forth... He has changed so much and there is so little trust between us. Last night once again when I had to speak to him about a bunch of stuff he spoke to me very derogatorily... as though I had a head as dense as a rock.I am a very unliked person. And I worry about what he is saying to the girls. I worry about his family... his mom and sister and brothers and how they are reacting since only one of them has contacted me in any way shape or form. After twenty years I am surprised by that. I thoughtI was welcomed into the family and I was by his mom and sister... but as for the rest... I guess not so much. You find out very quickly who gives a sh-- in a situation like this.
There are several going away parties this week. The church is having a tea.... and my knit girls are throwing a bon voyage party and the spinners and weavers are coming hopefully to join us in that one since I don't have the ability to drive into town quite so readily anymore. I appreciate the going away parties as I will miss these folks but sometimes I wonder how I will get through it all since I am feeling pretty emotionally fragile right now. Like I will start crying any minute and never stop. but every time I do I think of the ocean and the beach and I think about all that is left to do and that nips it in the bud... but what about when I don't have anything to worry about and think about... hopefully there will always be something to think about. I can't think back... that will just not do.
Whenever there is a moment's rest I stop resting and jump up and go go go.... if I don't I.... well we won't go there.
So here I sit and the day pans out before me... I have to phone the lawyer in Nfld and find out what she is up to since she is the one stirring the sh-- there. I have to call a surveyor in Nfld and see about sorting out the survey situation. I have to go to the bank and open my own account and get it set up on debit and find our about big transfers of cash in the next few weeks as I pay for a house and a car. I have to get the girls savings accounts set up so that they have debit cards and teach the correct way to balance an account. I have to pay off that blasted credit card and pick up some boxes and send our winter clothes through the mail to my sister's place in Nova Scotia so that I can haul that across to Nfld. I have to go to the school and find out about the girls transfer stuff. I have to get a fax # so that I can receive a fax and send a fax.... and then I have to start packing my parents house up. This Sunday coming we leave for Edmonton. I can't wait. I am looking forward to walking aboard the train on Monday night with Wesley under my arm and the Daughters by my side and my parents in tow... and I won't look back not even for an instant because if I do I know who I will see.... and I just don't want to see him as the train pulls out of the station.
Just keep looking forward.... somewhere ahead there have to be better things... like maybe a new home.
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