Something New

First of all I want to say how cathartic it has been to write here and how much I appreciate those who have stayed with me through all of this. I am hoping at some point I will be able to get my sense of humour back.  Right now it seems to be pretty close to nil.

I would never wish this heartache on anyone. It is a horrible feeling. I try to stay focused on the good things and try not to dwell on the bad but when someone you know and have loved for twenty years suddenly sees you as fat, lazy, crazy, and not worth his time anymore it does tend to make you look in the mirror and think, what's the point. Most days I try to remember that I did have a life before him and because of that I KNOW that I will have a life after him. But some days are hard and this one is is one of those days. I find that I am teary more than not and every time I feel another flood of tears I run to the bedroom where I get the self help book that the woman who started the Fairways Divorce Solutions program and I read... I read some more and soon I find I am distracted enough that the waterworks turn off and I am able to do something else. Either that or I sit down with my journal and I write hate notes to Sir Arsewipe... that helps and if that doesn't help then I go into our family email and read his love letters to his chit. That really turns off the waterworks in a hurry.

Today is a bad day though because while I am happy in some ways, there is going to be a very large reckoning very soon. First of all let me say that we have had another offer on our house. If all goes well I am going to accept it... and if all goes well I will be buying a house in Nfld in very short order. If all goes well I will be out of here within the month and I will not be looking back I guarantee that. Before I leave I will also be confronting Sir Arsewipe with what I have found out... he doesn't know that I know the things that I know... but I know far more than he told me or for that matter what he was willing to tell me. I am wondering what the outcome of that will be since not only do I know things but so do the Daughters as well. We are horrified to learn some of the things that he has been saying and doing in his alternate life. Then in recent conversations with friends around town, I have discovered that I really was the last to know that he was doing the rush with his chit. People were seeing them together and not telling me (out of embarrassment or just not wanting to get involved, who knows).  But he is such an idiot because everyone knew he was with her... and everyone knows he is acting like a teenager... when I think about it it is laughable... pathetic... and so down right stupid. Why did he leave it so long... all he did was further hurt everyone. If he wanted out he should have said so... at least then I would have nothing to berate him with... but then maybe it is better that I do have something for which to berate him... it will help me to hate him... and mark my words... I will hate him eventually. Just one more step on the path to putting this all behind me.

I find myself in a very strange dichotomy. There are times when I think that a few bruises on his face wouldn't go astray and then I think sometimes why did it all have to go so sour... why couldn't I have been one of the lucky ones to have found real and true love. I really and truly thought he was one of the good ones! What makes it worse is that there is very little divorce in my family... even back to my cousins... you have no idea what kind of a failure you feel when you look around you and everyone has happy marriages and you have been described as fat, lazy, and crazy.... (oh and by the way he doesn't say those things to my face... but he sure as heck says it behind my back... and I have it in writing).  There is a cruel streak in that man that I never knew was there... boy can he act. Academy award for Sir Arsewipe! Meanwhile I try not to dwell on the fact that I have a failed marriage... and no one else seems to.

Anyway, I am hoping that there is a house that will meet my needs in the place that I want to go. I have looked at five or six now and all of them have been inappropriate... so maybe this one will pan out. I sure hope so, because to stand on the shores of the north Atlantic and feel the rolling sea as it thunders and heaves will be a balm to my soul and will help ease the loss I know I will feel when I leave this place for good. I know there will be so much that I will miss... but I also know that there will be much that I will be going to. Thinking thoughts of Nfld. helps to ease the sorrow I feel knowing I will be leaving my youth, my dreams, my life partner and this oh so lovely valley that I have come to love. While I leave behind the forest glen bordering our property I will be gaining some of the best berry picking grounds anywhere. While I will be leaving the river that churned and beckoned me to canoe it, I will be by the sea with all its crustations and life. While I will be leaving the fabled dragons/monsters of the Peace, I will be returning to the very real and wonderful life of whales moving about off shore. While I will be leaving the mountains that watch over this valley, I will be returning to mountains of ice silently floating past my home.

And as for myself, I will try to find the good in now being "damaged goods"... the thing is to make something beautiful out of what was before, so that the transformed is equally beautiful and worthy as it was in the beginning... if not more so. Quite a goal don't you think?!

The Dark Knight Rises... In More Ways Than One

I'm off today with Daughter #2 to watch The Dark Knight Rises at the theatre in FSJ. Daughter #2 is so excited you could watch her jump over the moon twenty times.  I do have to say that I am looking forward to it too. We have been waiting in anticipation for this movie to come out. However, there is a movie that I am looking forward to even more. I am looking forward to the next Bourne movie, which will be coming out in the theatre pretty soon I expect. Although Matt Damon will not be playing a roll in it it still looks like it will be awesome. Last week we finally rented The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo... loved it. Nothing better than a smart and sassy movie with complex characters and a complex plot. That said I am hopeful that this Batman movie will not be a shitload of effects and nothing much other than that. We are going into a matinee so it hopefully won't be terrifically busy.

Last night Daughter #2 and I went to a friend's house for dinner and had a very pleasant time. Lovely meal with lovely friends. I had wondered about them since I hadn't heard from them in ages. I wondered what Sir Arsewipe had told them about our separation. I didn't get into it last night since sometimes it's just nice to put the whole thing aside for a little while and believe me that is not easy to do when it gnaws at you like strong acid in the belly. Still, for the most part I did set it aside for a few hours. I came home to a dark house and chores waiting... sometimes the prospect of a dark night rising before you is not the most welcome thing.... still there is no going back now.

July is in it last breath of reality and soon we will be looking at August and shorter days are definitely apparent already. I feel like I have totally lost this summer. I don't know how that can be when summer is not even half over... but it seems to be flying by. Sir Arsewipe will be home soon and I am hoping he can bugger off somewhere where I don't have to look at him. I just did a load of laundry yesterday and low and behold there were a bunch of things that had gotten in with our that belong to him washed and dried... I can't believe he had the nerve to throw his laundry in with ours... and stupid here washed it without looking. I threw it in the tent trailer unfolded and that's the end of doing his laundry... he can suck eggs for all I care. I'm tempted to haul the tent trailer down to the park at the bottom of the Lynx Creek hill before he gets back and tell him that's where he stays from here on in. It would give me great pleasure to change all the locks too.... but I doubt that I'll do it since I don't have a confrontational attitude.... (he never reads this).

Later: We just got back from our trip to town where we saw the epic Dark Knight Rises. Awesome movie if it weren't for the fact that my hind quarters were somewhat dunch when it was over. Three hours for a movie is a long time. Still it was a great way for them to end the Batman series. I was however, disappointed with Ann Hatheway's portrayal of Cat Woman... honestly no one could ever live up to Halle Berry's portrayal of Cat Woman but Ann Hatheway totally fell flat... like completely... borinnnnggg! I did like Michael Caine, he did an awesome job of portraying the loving and caring father figure. Christian Bale is showing his age but did very well too. Gary Oldman did really well but then I just love Gary Oldman in pretty much anything... but then the two who were surprises were Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard. They both delivered performances that really worked well and added a lot of punch to the movie. Anyway, Daughter #2 and I had a great old time picking the whole thing apart afterwards... she was totally wowed and I was pretty impressed though not entirely wowed.

Since it is almost bedtime I will say nighty night and toddle off to bed for my prayers and some surfing the web on my handy dandy phone.  Tomorrow I have got to get some work done because yesterday and today, though I intended to work, I never got a tap done... not one tap. Mind you waking at 3 a.m. and not getting back to sleep doesn't make for good work... all you want to do is veg out.

I'm off.... and guess what.... The Dark Night Rises.

Happy Birthday

Happy 78th Birthday to my Dad!!!!

We just took him out for breakfast and had a lovely morning. I gave him a new book to read for his birthday.

Will I Just Get Past This?.... Ever? (I'm even starting to drive myself nuts.)

So begins another day with Daughter #2 still in bed and Daughter #1 away and not able to text me from Vernon. She is at a ranch taking part in round robin activities with two other patrols besides her own, and informed me that she would be out of cell range for three days. That's ok because at least I know she is ok. She has informed me that she is thinking about the armed forces for a career option after she finishes school. I worry about that... what mother would want her child to go through basic training to be sent overseas to be exposed to the worst of humanity, where life is disregarded as little or nothing, where it is considered cheap. But she is her father's daughter and I think Sir Arsewipe really and truly has never been happy in his life because he always wanted to join the armed forces and never did so. He blames his mother and father for taking away the opportunity when he was right out of high school because they would not sign his forms... but he could have done it after he came of age. He didn't because ultimately he is not a risk taker.... the biggest risk he has ever taken was dumping me and the kids and then he only did it once he had the safety net of a new woman to encourage him. Meanwhile I would not hold Daughter #1 back from the armed forces if that is truly what she wants to do.... but that does not mean that I would not worry about her... nor does it mean that I will not encourage her to think of other options.

I woke early once again this morning... for the last few days I have begun to feel in limbo with no real concrete future ahead.  I know what I want but everything seems to be conspiring against me. Waking early seems to be the time for me to lie abed tossing and turning trying to figure out what I am going to do and how I am going to do it. It was 3:39 a.m. when I woke and I watched the sun come up and then finally fell back to sleep at around 5:30. I should have gotten up since I woke from a startling dream of being told that I was unloved in front of his whole family and that I was a terrible wife and that I no longer made him happy. I woke from that disoriented and full of anguish. It was not a good feeling to live it all again. It is not the first time I have lived that dream since the 6th of June and I expect it will not be the last time. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I am beginning to think that maybe some counselling might be a good idea.

With this limbo of no sale on the house and not even any serious interest at the moment I am beginning to lose hope in my dreams coming to fruition. I am trying to stay positive... and I am trying to stay mad at him... it gives me something solid to hold onto in this vortex in which I find myself swirling. It is stupid to not be mad at him... and I am mad but somehow I feel overwhelmingly sad that Michael... well it does no good to call him names or to dwell on the fact that he is not the man I thought he was.  He has lost every ounce of respect that I ever had for him.I can't believe some of the things that he has written down and I can't believe he was able to hide his feeling so profoundly. What I think I can't believe the most is what a stupid fool I was to believe him. But that is part of the limbo that I am in... I do not know if I can trust my own judgement of people.  How will I ever be able to look at a person and tell if they are a shit and a shyster. I even have begun to fear being scammed with a scam artist. What this whole thing has done has been to completely undermine me. I think that because I am generally a nice and genuine person I have been put upon by the worst of society and what's to stop that from happening again.

I know others live through this and I am sure I will too but I'll be honest I don't think I will come out of this the same person. Certainly not kind and trusting in the goodness of human nature.  I have seen too much of the other side. It scares me.

Every day I sit down and I try to think of something to write about other than the big "D" but it always seems to come back to that.

Yesterday I got the add out for Mom's and Dad's place. There are adds all over town and a PSA announcing that their house is for sale. Each night I beg God to please see me through this mess and get me to where I need to be. I need to be away. Soon his chit will be back from Ghana where she has spent the last three weeks and then going out of this house will be a whole lot more strategic because if I run into her I am sure I will have a heart attack.... or worse. Soon, he will be back too...  and I would like never to see his face again...this side of hell would be too soon.  And so each day I continue to unpack... pack.... sort.... organize. And that is what I will be doing once again today.  Yesterday was a bit of a holiday since I went to town to order myself a new pair of glasses. Then we went out to a friend's house for dinner and stayed till 10:30 at which time we came home in time to feed and water the animals... Dad will be coming today at some point for his monthly haircut... so the day is getting on and so must I....

Black Fingernails

I am looking at my fingernails and thinking how disgusting... The logwood dyeing that I did the other day has turned my fingernails black.  After all day yesterday and all night using water to wash dishes etc... you would think that they would be a little cleaner than they were.  But they are not. They are black and I guess they will be like that until the logwood dye eventually goes away. I have finished my 25 shades of logwood and it looks awesome but I am still not posting pics yet until the skeins of yarn all dry. Then there will be pictures that show their true colour. I am going to get going on my project for level 3 at that point. The great thing is there's not a lot left to finish the level 3 homework. I am hoping to really focus on that and get it done in the next few weeks. Then I am going to get on to the in depth study.  You have no idea how lovely it will be to get started on that.

Selling the house doesn't seem to be much of an option right now. We have turned down one offer which was 29,000 less than we were asking... we had dickered back and forth for a while and had been really nice about dropping a price. But they still wouldn't go above 29,000 less than what we were asking, which is just not going to happen. Most people are only willing to come down by 10,000 or 15,000 but 29,000 I think they must have been totally out to lunch. So no sale at least not right now.  We also need to get really serious about selling Mom's and Dad's house. I have to have enough money to buy a house in Nfld without having a mortgage. That is the only way I can move back there. All the stars need to align to make this work really. Still I am hopeful that it will work eventually.

If you are wondering why I am not talking about the shimozzle that I am in with regards to divorce etc... well that's because I have decided that enough is enough. I do have to get on with my life at some point. There will be comments from time to time but I am really going to try to start moving on. Sir Arsewipe is gone and as far as he's concerned he's moving on to better things and I don't constitute better things in his life. We have discussed trying to be friends but that's just not going to happen. I have discovered too many negative things about him and his secret actions behind my back and how he has felt for such a very long time. When someone lies to you so profoundly for so many years then there is no basis for any kind of relationship. No trust, no respect, = no anything. Yes he is the Daughters father and I will have to deal with him in that capacity but really I want nothing to do with him at all. I wish I could wave a magic wand and be back home. I wish I could wave it again and have our divorce final. It turns my stomach to have to talk to him because he won't even talk to me about anything... he turns away from me and ignores me and walks away and acts like I'm the shit on his shoe to be scraped off. And then after the calling down that I gave him for using our personal email address to send love letters and poetry to his chit I don't think friendship is an option at this point. Once nasty things get said over and over and once nasty things are done over and over there's not a whole lot to work with. Suffice it to be said that the sooner I am financially able to stand on my own two feet and the sooner I can get away in every possible manner the better.

I do still miss the family fun times we had together. I miss Daughter #1 who texts me regularly. I miss companionship but the man who constituted so much of my life is gone.... completely and unutterably gone. I am amazed how one person can change so very radically in such a short time. One year ago I was planning our camping trip to Cameron Lake but already at that time he was gone in his heart and just going through the motions of being a husband.... he is quite an actor really.

So I sit here and look at my black fingernails and realize that my life with him is kind of like that. Some crazy shit turned our love black (if we ever had love because according to him he never loved me the way he should have... obligation is not love... still can't wrap my head around that one) and now slowly I am washing it away... it won't take long now till my nails are clean and so is my life.

Hack Hack Cough Cough (Snort)

Anyone who thinks that anything on the internet is private is a complete blithering idiot.  I recently had a kid tell me and show me just how easy it is to get into private domains and see what kind of stuff is going on there. Social media like Facebook are notoriously bad. It was amazingly simple really. Kind of scary too... People have no clue who else is reading their private stuff. It really is best not to put anything into writing that you don't want seen by anyone else.... even when you think it's private, it's not. I have a person from Mountainview, California who goes in on my blog here regularly (like every four or five days) and adjusts and makes things available to Google search... I watch him/her and he/she watches me. Then a while back I wrote a blog about the end of the Space Shuttle program... I was sad to see it go... I used some key words apparently because the next day there was someone monitoring me from a particular agency in the states that begins with C---r--l I-------- ? (I don't want them to come back again).

It is amazing to think that there are people out there who do this kind of stuff all the time. They just spend all of their time monitoring peoples' movements on the internet. I like checking out my stat counter because it allows me access to seeing you guys and tells me who's been in on my blog recently and who is following what I am saying. If you leave a comment on my blog ever after I can figure out who you are.  I can see what your previous website was and I can see what you leave me for. It's cool really.

Unless you are jumping from computer to computer (and I mean using different computers each time you log in) it is not hard to find out what you are doing... at least while you are on my blog. Once you leave my blog I can't follow you... unless I was a wiz kid like the one I spoke of earlier. So if you are ever on the run... don't keep going back to the same computer and for heaven's sake don't say anything in the form of a comment. Actually, in order to hide you will probably want to stay off the internet altogether.

Last year my cousin who follows my blog went to the states and I was able to tell that he was on my blog because he was using the same computer... it was his laptop that I was able to follow. As a result I was able to know his activities while he was there.

And passwords.... keep them to yourself and try to use as many different ones as you can. If someone knows any of your passwords then that makes checking out your personal stuff even easier.  Really the best thing you can do is hide. Even using code words like "turtle" won't hide you.

Be cryptic.... unless you want people to find out stuff about you.... then you're just plain weird! (Which is maybe the case with me!)

Just watch...  because I used the words cough and snort in this title, for the next few days every website that I go to will be selling me tissues and cough medicine. Really!

Oh and if you do use text messaging or anything that you don't want to be found out... erase and delete everything.... including the history of it and all recent items that you have visited. Really... I'm serious...

Oh and by the way.... Hi to the person from Mountainview, California.... maybe you could contact me a let me know who you are?! I might actually believe you. : )

That's The Way Uh Huh Uh Huh, I Like It Uh Huh Uh Huh

Yep great day today. Finally have that 25 shades of Logwood dyeing done. Well, almost. I didn't quite finish the modifiers. Will finish up in the morning when it is cooler. Right not I am wasted. I have been up since 4:30 a.m. Last night we watched the scariest movie ever with Daniel Radcliffe called The Lady In Black. Freakin' scared us silly. I went to bed and slept ok because I can kind of put stuff like that out of my head but Daughter #2 is not used to such movies. When I woke up at 4:30 a.m. Daughter #2 was sitting up in her bed with her lights on and she was white as the sheet she was lying on. I think she was scared poop free.  Poor kid never got to sllep until the sun had come up.

I started skeining yarn at that unGodly hour and didn't quite have it finished when my dyeing partner showed up at shortly after 9 a.m. We worked like daemons all day and it was one of those hot summer days that are almost unbearably hot. +41 degrees C in the sun on my deck at one point today... My dyeing partner left at 5:30 this afternoon at which time Daughter #2 and I jumped into our swimsuits and went for a dip in our local outdoor pool. Nice! Home for a couple of movies and to be honest I'm not staying on long since I am so pooped out that I can hardly think straight. A good night sleep is desperately needed for both of us and believe me that won't be long in coming.  My hands have black all over the tips of my fingers because of dipping my hands in the logwood dye bath. Too bad I couldn't have had the wax needed for a henna job 'cause this might have worked just as well.  I'll try to post a few pics of my dyeing tomorrow as I will get it finished early in the morning if it is cool enough.

This is the kind of day I like.... and I hardly thought about Sir Arsewipe at all... damn... I just thought of him... curse it.