Early morning 09/11/2016. It's pretty quiet here. It came up on my Facebook feed about the post I wrote the day I got on the train 4 years ago. I haven't looked back for a long time. I don't need to now. A scattered glance over my shoulder... just to make sure its way back there. You do survive. Small smile. You come out very changed though. A different me... absolutely. That wide open girl... the one who had stars in her eyes... the one who wrote about her family so innocently... well, she died and in her place is a very very different creature. Hard shell with heavy duty barbs and no room for love... it makes me want to puke to just write the word. I am alone now... just as I knew I would be. Dad died two years ago... Mom doesn't know who I am. The girls grew up and have their own lives to live... they only are part of mine sporadically now. Have I made peace... no... but I am at peace I think.... mostly anyway. Do I like who I have become... well I'm not sure... I'm learning to certainly. There are many facets some that are easy to get to know... some are deep and dark and well hidden. I like my independence and strength... they are my armour. My sensitivities... well they are kept far back and they are hard to explore because I don't let them out often. I think what I like most is my unbound spirit and I live in the moment with loose ideas of the future. Occasionally I do let myself look to the future.
As for him... he can suck a truck exhaust pipe really... not part of my life anymore. I spent the last winter going through every photo I had of him and getting rid of him from it... if I couldn't cut him out of the photo without ruining it I tore it up and threw it away. It was a very freeing exercise. I don't think about him a lot anymore... but if I did hear that his balls had dropped off I would probably do a dance of glee. I'm ok with him suffering... just not actively interested. My life is going further and further in a different direction. And that is what counts.
My girls and I... well we are odd. We are amazingly close... and that, I fully trust.... but we can go our separate ways too and have our lives and then come back together again. It's really quite exciting having grown daughters... they are my friends now too. If anything makes me smile these days its that.... them.
One sadness I have not come to terms with is the passing of my wee Narman. His ashes are sitting on a shelf in my bedroom. It is a lonely world without my little dog. I surely miss his wee little face and his constant and steadfast companionship and loyalty. I miss Dad too... in the year and a half I had with Dad after Sir A and I separated, I had the very great privilege of becoming a good friend and not just daughter to my dad... he earned my respect in so many ways. I really miss our morning coffees. Mom is still alive but only by a thread. She is alive in body... her mind, not so much. As predicted, mom disappeared in a heartbeat pregnant with plaque filled synapses. I have lost her... but I have not... there is no closure just the painful witnessing of the slow deterioration of a life.
I still have my house here on the coast... it is a love hate relationship with the weather here. I am starting to think of travelling more. I bought my car which was right for me at the time I bought it... but it is starting to give trouble and it is no longer the best option for me. I am beginning to think a van or an SUV with towing capacity would be better for me. I have been bitten with the camping bug recently and chomp at being able to take off and go camping. I am also beginning to think of getting rid of the canoe (still in BC) and possibly putting out for a new small kevlar one. I do not want to stagnate.... I feel I am though. I have never stayed still for long... the longest was the log house in BC... I am beginning to need the urge for change.
I decided to up date for this reason... the year after my 20 yr marriage collapsed was a very dark year. It was as bad as it gets. So I wanted to update here today because I want to tell anyone who is going through it freshly. There is an end to the dark times. Life does change and there comes a point when that's ok. Your self esteem doesn't stay in the pit. You can get through it and a you will survive. Hang on to whatever you can... just hang on. And you will come out on the other side mostly liking yourself.
That's it... that's what I've got.
Live long and prosper.
Namaste
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