Shedding

I find myself wanting to shed. I want to shed everything that has anything to do with my former life as a wife. (no obviously not the kids... that's a mothering thing anyway not a wife thing.) Anything that he has given to me in the last year is getting chucked or given to someone else. Even the beautiful teapot that he gave me a couple of years ago is going. Pituuy... I'm done with it all. He hasn't given me much in the last while anyway. Today I got rid of my iPhone case. Daughter# 2 was trying to plug it into the truck's radio, but the case was getting in the way of the plug going all the way in. So she asked if she could take the case off. I said yes. So she took the case off and asked me where to put it. I said toss it cause I didn't want it. It was given falsely so I wanted it gone. Hopefully someone found it and will use it but I never want to see it again. There's lots of stuff that I want to shed as a matter of a fact. The list is long and I feel contaminated every time I touch it. But enough about that. Today he will be leaving for JCR camp. Yeah! Today I will be packing and returning to my memory foam mattress. Let me tell you I can't wait. I will be glad to see the end of my used-to-be-home but I do love my memory foam mattress. Things will be a little more relaxed there with him away. There will be a computer to use so I can upload pics again and not have so many mistakes from too large fingers on too tiny keys. There will be a TV on which to watch movies. There will be a fully supplied kitchen. But I do have to say that it won't be home. Home is where your heart is and mine is not there. I think my heart is wrapped tightly in a cocoon waiting patiently for a new debut. - - This week will be a week of divorce as I will be getting the ball rolling. It will be a week of house work as in temps. It will be a week of packing and tossing and sorting and dividing and tossing. Then there will be a humongous garage sale. And then there will be more of the same. Actually it feels retry darn good to be shedding so much of former lives.- - I'm falling asleep. So I will end on this note as Daughter # 2 tossed the iPhone out the window I saw it briefly flying through the air. Ever since I only wished that mMike had been standing there and it had smacked him right up the side of his head.

Finally A Good Night's Sleep

After a month of raking myself over the coals I have convinced myself that I can go on. The girls are full of plans and the parents are full of plans. I had a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my husband had at sometime been lost to me. But. This week of taking refuge in this house that belongs to my friend has been a chance to heal, a chance to see what life will be like. It is too close to him. I have realized things while here that have been my own wake up call. Right now I am thinking that if I moved to China it wouldn't be far enough. I can not get far enough fast enough. Everything in me screams RUN. While I was working on becoming a Master Spinner my Michael died and in his place was reborn a shadow of who he was. There is meanness there now. I see it in his face but he tries to hide it from me. He is not the kind and generous person I knew. He died on June 6th and dies a little more each day. - - So I have spent this week hiding away from this world of meanness and harshness and I have found another little oasis in a Tsunami hellish reality. It is a house on the banks of the mighty Peace River. It is a house among friends. I wish I could stay here. But on Saturday he will clear out and I will go back to the log house we live in. It does not feel at all like home. Everything there feels foreign and strange. This little house has become my new home. Here I am among friends... friends who care about me. Who think of me as worthy. Who don't think of me as a ball and chain. Here I am not someone to be rid of. These people care that I have my own ideas and wants and dreams. I will miss these friends of mine. These people who give a damn when I go to Nfld. in some ways I wish I could buy this wee house on the banks of this river. I wish I could win a lottery so that I could go to Nfld. to live but return here each summer to renew old friends and love this place that I have come to care about, this valley of water and eagles, of beauty and power. It has one and only one draw back. I look out the window to the river and I can see Michael and I whipping around the bend as we came in to our landing point a few years ago when we did our river trip. It was a beautiful time and I always wanted to go again but we didn't... For so many reasons that I think are stupid now. He was busy in the summer and I was distracted by my spinning and weaving. We never made time. We never made the effort. He resented having to work in summer time and he blames me for that. But what happened was that he didn't see the future, and he didn't have the patience. He never was a patient person. He lost the dream. So I sit here looking over the deck out to the river that drew me in and touched my soul and I will move on. I will find someone who is patient and we will have different dreams. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Oo kept the dream. I loved with all my might. I did not cheat, steal, or lie, I did not hurt our children our tear apart our family. He did all of those things and is still doing them. He is a sad and pathetic human and I am better off without this new him.

Bye To My Manitoba Maple

6 a.m. I am feeling drastically run down after a night with not a wink of sleep. Last night was a bad one... a really bad one. Today I will lose one of my Manitoba Maples. Daughter # 1 is going JCRing. I will miss her terribly. She has been a rock. As has her sister. They are truly the best of my marriage. She and I have giggled together and cried together... I am so blessed in my girls. She is excited to go and I am excited for her. There will be a big fat paycheck at the end of this and she is looking forward to that as much as anything. It will give her money to buy things that she needs in Nfld. and on the way to Nfld. She is packed and ready I just have to wake her. I love her so much you just can't know how much. My sweet girl my two sweet girls... my beautiful Manitoba Maples.

Manitoba Maples

I've always loved Manitoba Maple trees. They have always felt like old friends. I will take five saplings with me when I leave. My friend whose house in which I am staying, has lots of self start Manitoba Maples. I don't know if they will grow where I am going but I will plant them in the rich earth of home and hope for the best. In every home I have had I have left trees of some variety and it has always been a significant thing to do. I will be leaving here two lovely Lilacs, loads of Blue spruce some green gage plums and any number of cargana. With my love of trees, there is something significant about planting trees in each new place I live. I usually try to plant a tree for each person living there. Five Manitoba Maples... one for each Daughter, one for each parent and mine will stand alone. I will shelter them from the ocean and the barrage of salt winds that prevail near the north Atlantic. My hope of course is that they grow exponentially. - - I have been thinking about my future and trying to put a positive spin on my possible endeavours. At this point I am just trying to get it through my head that I even have a future... at least I feel like any future without him in it just seems odd. - - Yesterday I took Daughter # 1's advice. I put some highlights in my hair. I like it. Tomorrow I will add a little curl. Perhaps we will have a salon day. We can't today because we are going back to HH so that Daughter #1 can pack for her flight to Vernon, where she will be working for the next three weeks with the JCRs. While in hh today i will pick up Daughter #2 and bring her back with us tonight. Tomorrow i will put her on the flight. I am anxious to see her fly alone... but she is sixteen and it is time for her to try things on her own. Besides there will be a ranger at the other end to meet them. Her dad will be leaving on Saturday for the same destination on a bus load of kids as one of the chaperones. I am missing Daughter # 2 but texting her often. I will be glad to have her with me this evening. I will be doing fun things with her as much as I can since that has been what I have tried to do with Daughter #1. Still I look forward to my own bed and my memory foam mattress. My back is beginning to ache tiredly from lack of comfort during the sleeping hours. It feels like we girls in this family are the three Manitoba Maples. We are strong, and we shelter each other. But. Most of all we are beautiful.

Life The Way It Was, Is, And Will Be

So I am at the house of a friend. Daughter# 1 is with me. Daughter # 2 is with her father. After being home for 24 hours I realized that the stress and strain was too much. Crying every hour is not helpful. There was much said in the last few days to make me feel about the size of a beetle. I won't go into it all because it's not for the public domain. Suffice it to say that for my own sanity and for the good of all, I have come here to lick my wounds in sorrow, to stop romantcising what we had, to tear away the rose colored glasses and see my world face on. It is an ugly picture, I assure you. When I thought I was making a happy home in fact all I was doing was laying red carpet for him to stay a man child. When I thought I was being supported I was merely being stroked like a cat. There's never been true respect for what I do cause my equipment was always underfoot and in the way! Perhaps I should have lived under the china cabinet with Murphy and the dust bunnies because there I would have been welcome which apparently I was not for many a year in my own home.- - well home doesn't feel very homey with him finishing all the Reno work. I can't stay where I'm not wanted and where resentment wears it's ugly head. So I ran away to safety and here I will stay till the end of the week when he will leave for Vernon and all things J C R.- - I actually managed 6.5 hours of sleep last night. This is astounding me since I haven't slept like that for a month or so. This house offers solace in a world of hell. The sounds of the birds in the massive Manitoba maples outside my window wake me each mining remind me that not everything is harsh and cruel. The sounds of the river flowing past the bank reminds me that there is a place of spiritual calm. - - We have had an offer on our house it is a little low and so we have countered. We will see what this brings us. I am hoping for the best... it could mean that I would be moving sooner than later. At this point I think it is a good thing. It is not healthy for me here with this person who has turned so bitterly against me and makes me feel so low. Perhaps it is time to dislike him too. The way it was is not coming back. The way it is is virtually impossible, and the way it will be... I guess I'll have to wait to see.

Waking Up

I have been sleeping off and on for the last few hours but not really feeling like I was well and truly sleeping deeply. I haven't had a really good night sleep since the 6th of June. The 6th of June was my "Waking Up Day".  I returned back to this place that I have called home for so long to discover that this is reality. This is my life. This is well and truly happening.I knew it was but somehow it slapped me up the side of the head again when I arrived. We left Olds yesterday morning at 5:50 a.m. I was driving because the friend that I usually drive with has thrown out her back and was feeling that she couldn't sit at a steering wheel for a long period of time and drive without her back becoming really bad. So I drove. Let me tell you I put the peddle to the floor and watched the pavement roll under us as I said goodbye to Olds and that oasis that I have enjoyed so much for so long. Ten days of trying to put this hell all behind me only to find that the mess was well and truly waiting for me when I got back.  I got home about 4 p.m. and was so glad to see the Daughters. They have missed me and really needed their mom to be a stable and supporting parent. So I wrapped my arms around them and gave them a squeeze and thanked God for these two beautiful individuals who are so wonderful. Narmy too was happy to see me and jumped all around wagging his tail and making high pitched squeaks and yelps. It was a good welcome home though somewhat stilted in the fact that He was there too. I think it is a good thing that we will be moving on. Everything between us is awkward and stilted. Now our plans begin... well and truly.... we have people coming to look at the house today... they have been here before and at first I thought they were not interested but it seems that they are more interested than we thought. We also have somebody who is interested in the house where Mom and Dad live. I hope we sell both of them then we can clear our debts and I can really get serious about buying a house in Newfoundland. I have to keep hoping that God will put something good in my path. He told me he thinks he has made the right decision.... I couldn't quite figure that one out. He "thinks"? "He" thinks? Well I know that this decision is the right one. For me it is no looking back now. There is no room for forgiveness... it is a moot point. I don't forgive him because I don't hold anything against him. People change and I guess that's what happened to us... I'm just sorry that he didn't try harder before it got to this point... and I'm even sorrier that he didn't do something about it before it got to the point of another woman. In the end I was the one who had the balls to say which way I thought our futures should go.... he kept trying to say the words but couldn't get it out and it was painful to watch. I hope he finds whatever he is looking for but it is not with me and it the sooner we get on with our lives the better.... separately.... I need space... big time. I need it to put him out of my mind because what has happened for me is that the man that I love, the man that I know... was a lie. He lied to me on so many levels that I'm amazed I didn't see it. What's coming out of him is that for a long time.... for several years he has been lying to me about all sorts of things. He has not been happy and when I reflect on it I can see that he has been looking for something that I never could give him. I tried to be the best wife and mother that I could be and that just wasn't enough. I can't draw anymore blood so it is good we are not going to be together any more.

Sorry to be so cathartic here... but I suppose if I wrote a book about it then it would be equally painful... and equally public.

Anyway, today is all about waking up.  It is a beautiful morning full of possibility. We may sell the house. We may sell both houses... I may buy the first big thing I have ever owned in my life. I am moving on... and I guess he is too. Now we just have to help the girls get on with their lives too. I remember when Daughter #1 was born and I looked at him and I said... "now we are a family".... And when Daughter #2 came along it really got cemented. But sixteen years later.... I am saying, "now we are not a family". I think of the girls and I as the three amigos... and mom and dad with us are the sidekicks. We will go into the future... and so will he. Now if that's not waking up, I don't know what is.

Tired

This week of testing has left me feeling like a dish rag. I am tired like never before. I am physically tired but I am also mentally worn out. I think about things all the time... things that would wear anyone down. Suddenly I find I am the head of a family of five with all the responsibilities of aged parents and on the verge of life teenagers. Just thinking about how to get us all home to Newfoundland with two dogs is daunting in its scope. Pops is a huge help. We are thinking that taking the train across country would offer the girls a wee diversion after saying goodbye to their dad. Maybe it will help to take their minds off the fact that their lives are falling apart. Of course this is all dependent on the house selling... - - I have been packing up. It is hard to believe that this six year odyssey is over. I may not even get back here for graduation. Over the years I've been through 3 graduations. This would have been the forth and if truth be told the only one that really has meaning. I finished all 5 samples that I needed to finish today in class. But it took every bit of my concentration to get it done. I passed in one of them wet! But there it is and wet it was. We packed the cars up in a torrential downpour and thunder was all around. I had intended to walk through the grounds once more but it didn't happen. There's something significant there. I'm not quite sure what it is but I keep my fingers crossed that some how... some way Ivan return to Olds. I would love to come back maybe even to teach. Who knows. It's all so spectacularly changed... my life and my expectations are once again taking an about face through no choice of my own. Yes I know I could stay in BC but I honestly don't think that would be healthy. HH is not big enough for me to live with the other woman there too. I know I would become a bitter old bag. So I think this adventure that I am about to embark upon will be good for us if not totally welcome. Daughter# 2 is looking forward with anticipation. Daughter #1 is anxious but looking forward too. They both will miss their Dad dreadfully. And truth be told so will I... Just not the man he has become. His mind is so full of Her that he has forgotten how to see us. He has other woman blinders on. I've tried to make him see us again but there is no hope for that. He is well and truly lost to us. I don't know what doing this will do to improve his life but I think ( don't know) that at some point there might be regrets. It feels like he is replacing us with her and her children! I cannot understand that at all. The poor fool. It is sad really. Perhaps her children are more to his liking. Perhaps it's just me.. I just can't wrap my head around it all. I know he's tired of the old so I guess it's out with the old and in with the new.