Debating

Well, I guess I'm going to fess up and tell you about something that I'm not sure about....something that seems to be plaguing my mind lately.  For a while now I've been debating... I've been thinking about not going to  Olds College this year. It is for several reasons and no I'm not quitting on the Master Spinner's program... for that matter, this is only in the thinking stages yet. For a while I have been feeling burnt out. Fibred out... and everything in my life is suffering for it. More and more I've been looking at my wheel and thinking I really want to spin on my old wheel. I really want to spin something for a project and not just another sample. I really want to write a poem... You'll notice on Feathermist that I have not put a poem there since last autumn and that one sucked!  I really want to do that online writing course that looks so interesting. I really want to sew my quilt.... I really want to work on rug hooking. I really want to paint a painting. I really want to take the dogs for a walk... But I can't because I have another question to tackle. I'll be honest getting a meagre mark on my Level 3 contributed to this. I feel that I'm not satisfied to get a low mark and keep going as if I'm some awesome student. I'm not and I need to back up a bit. I went into this so that I could be the best spinner that I could be and that failed abysmally in level 3 when I passed but barely. So if I want to walk away from the MSP program having graduated with pride I think I need to take a year to complete my second version of Level 3 and finish my Level 4, and, most importantly, do it well. Every time I think about trying to complete three levels in two years my stomach does flip flops. And I get stressed and then I start looking at my wheel as the enemy and not as my best buddy. I'll also be honest... money is part of it too. Recessions are not for the faint of heart... and while Teapot and I do OK... paying for hay at sky rocketing prices, and veterinarian bills for sick dogs, and gelding alpacas among a whole bunch of other stuff, has taken it's tole.  The Daughters too have required this year, some fairly huge expenses and so I'm at the middle of April with my head in my hands going, "What do I do about Olds?!"

Still, I have a little time to decide on whether or not I will go. I've been thinking about trying to get a short job with the election process which would help with the money.... and yet I look at my wheel and can't help feeling a little resentful that my time is not my own.... The MSP was supposed to be fun... and somehow along the way I have lost the fun-ness of it and now it is well... a struggle. I'm sick of worsted and woolen and the flax just made me want to throw up. (We all have our likes and dislikes and flax is one of my most definite dislikes and guess what.. some of us can know it right from the get go... sorry R.G. that's the truth of it)! I'm still plugging away (note the description... plugging is not how I should be tackling it) at my level 4 homework but I really want to get to the 150 hour project because I am looking forward to that. I really want it to be awesome and beautiful and simply divine.... I am excited about that at least. But I want to do it justice. I want everyone else to look at it and say, "Wow, you made that?!" I don't want to do it because I'm on a deadline and I need to get it done before the next level. I want to do it because I love it.

So MSP or not to MSP this year.... I'm not really sure. Besides I'm supposed to submit my in depth study topic this year and I have about five and can't choose and I don't have time to think about it. Basically I just don't feel ready for level 5 and I really just want to carry on at my own pace. Perhaps I've taken too big a bight out of the apple right now.

There is one slight boomerang in all this. All along I have been going to Olds with two friends and so far we have kept pace with each other which has had it's good points and it's bad points. I love going through the class with them but I hate the feeling that I have to keep up with them. I'm tired and keeping up with two really awesome ladies who outstretch me in spinning experience far and away, is making me more tired... but I will miss terribly their input into my work and the ability to discuss things when we run into problems if I don't do level 5 with them this year.

So you see I am in a terrible dilemma... and there is no reprieve in sight...

Ah if only there were someone who could tell me what to do... but that's ridiculous, I realize...

So I will wait for a while and keep thinking about it all... sooner or later I will be able to decide or the decision will be made for me... especially if the class fills up and I can't get in...

We'll see...