Obsessive? Compulsive?..... Yes!

Wow! How did that happen... My last post was Saturday and here it is Tuesday already.... where did all that time go?

I spent my day in obsessive and compulsive behavior. I have been working on my Masters Spinners homework. Ra ra sis boom bah! I am really pleased that I am actually making an effort to get my work done but right off the batt (no pun intended) I realized that getting started was not going to be easy. The first project I started to tackle was to spin a worsted yarn from a fine fibre with a worsted preparation. Easy eh? Ah... no! I am now working on my fifth attempt to get a good sample and I am nowhere nearer to having what I think is good than I was when I first started. I could swear that I am a total beginner if I were to look at my samples. Not one of my samples will get full marks. Everyone of them sucks. Problem is I am now running out of the fibre that my instructor provided and so I am beginning to resort to trying a different fibre instead, and I don't like it nearly as much.

What is a body to do when one begins to obsess over something that should only take a short time. I could really be at this until April and still not have what I think is acceptable. And this is only the first question.... arrgghh!

I remember when I was in college, and then university, when I was right out of school (a long time ago.. well not THAT long). I would be given work to do and I never obsessed about it the way I am obsessing now. What has happened to the free wheeling, relaxed person that I was? When did I become annal over my work? And most importantly, why am I never satisfied?

I have been reflecting on this and have come to the conclusion that when I was younger I had nothing to prove. I was young and so had all the time in the world to prove myself and my abilities, but now I am looking back at the years behind me and see that too much time has past to just let things slide any longer. If I am going to make an impression, I had better get on with it now. If I am going to make a name for myself hadn't I better do it soon? I mean I am 40 something.

My grandfather's motto was, "there is no time like the present". He was absolutely right. When I decided to take up the Master Spinner program, I had been out of school for many years and all I wanted to do was be the best that I could be. I felt there was 'no time like the present". It was all about my interest and being really good at what I do. But suddenly I am possessed by the idea that I might be the next Judith MacKensie McCuin or the next Elizabeth Zimmerman. Has there been a latent desire to be a perfectionist just waiting till middle age to burst forth from me? Is that what is driving me to this mindless frenzy of perfection? Am I obsessive and compulsive?

I just want a 5 out of 5 worsted skein from a fine fibre... is that asking too much? I don't know but I'm getting sick of asking myself all these questions.... Hark! is that the call of a baggie of merino I hear? Perfect grist... perfect angle of twist... perfect balance.... there's got to be a way.....