Life The Way It Was, Is, And Will Be

So I am at the house of a friend. Daughter# 1 is with me. Daughter # 2 is with her father. After being home for 24 hours I realized that the stress and strain was too much. Crying every hour is not helpful. There was much said in the last few days to make me feel about the size of a beetle. I won't go into it all because it's not for the public domain. Suffice it to say that for my own sanity and for the good of all, I have come here to lick my wounds in sorrow, to stop romantcising what we had, to tear away the rose colored glasses and see my world face on. It is an ugly picture, I assure you. When I thought I was making a happy home in fact all I was doing was laying red carpet for him to stay a man child. When I thought I was being supported I was merely being stroked like a cat. There's never been true respect for what I do cause my equipment was always underfoot and in the way! Perhaps I should have lived under the china cabinet with Murphy and the dust bunnies because there I would have been welcome which apparently I was not for many a year in my own home.- - well home doesn't feel very homey with him finishing all the Reno work. I can't stay where I'm not wanted and where resentment wears it's ugly head. So I ran away to safety and here I will stay till the end of the week when he will leave for Vernon and all things J C R.- - I actually managed 6.5 hours of sleep last night. This is astounding me since I haven't slept like that for a month or so. This house offers solace in a world of hell. The sounds of the birds in the massive Manitoba maples outside my window wake me each mining remind me that not everything is harsh and cruel. The sounds of the river flowing past the bank reminds me that there is a place of spiritual calm. - - We have had an offer on our house it is a little low and so we have countered. We will see what this brings us. I am hoping for the best... it could mean that I would be moving sooner than later. At this point I think it is a good thing. It is not healthy for me here with this person who has turned so bitterly against me and makes me feel so low. Perhaps it is time to dislike him too. The way it was is not coming back. The way it is is virtually impossible, and the way it will be... I guess I'll have to wait to see.

Waking Up

I have been sleeping off and on for the last few hours but not really feeling like I was well and truly sleeping deeply. I haven't had a really good night sleep since the 6th of June. The 6th of June was my "Waking Up Day".  I returned back to this place that I have called home for so long to discover that this is reality. This is my life. This is well and truly happening.I knew it was but somehow it slapped me up the side of the head again when I arrived. We left Olds yesterday morning at 5:50 a.m. I was driving because the friend that I usually drive with has thrown out her back and was feeling that she couldn't sit at a steering wheel for a long period of time and drive without her back becoming really bad. So I drove. Let me tell you I put the peddle to the floor and watched the pavement roll under us as I said goodbye to Olds and that oasis that I have enjoyed so much for so long. Ten days of trying to put this hell all behind me only to find that the mess was well and truly waiting for me when I got back.  I got home about 4 p.m. and was so glad to see the Daughters. They have missed me and really needed their mom to be a stable and supporting parent. So I wrapped my arms around them and gave them a squeeze and thanked God for these two beautiful individuals who are so wonderful. Narmy too was happy to see me and jumped all around wagging his tail and making high pitched squeaks and yelps. It was a good welcome home though somewhat stilted in the fact that He was there too. I think it is a good thing that we will be moving on. Everything between us is awkward and stilted. Now our plans begin... well and truly.... we have people coming to look at the house today... they have been here before and at first I thought they were not interested but it seems that they are more interested than we thought. We also have somebody who is interested in the house where Mom and Dad live. I hope we sell both of them then we can clear our debts and I can really get serious about buying a house in Newfoundland. I have to keep hoping that God will put something good in my path. He told me he thinks he has made the right decision.... I couldn't quite figure that one out. He "thinks"? "He" thinks? Well I know that this decision is the right one. For me it is no looking back now. There is no room for forgiveness... it is a moot point. I don't forgive him because I don't hold anything against him. People change and I guess that's what happened to us... I'm just sorry that he didn't try harder before it got to this point... and I'm even sorrier that he didn't do something about it before it got to the point of another woman. In the end I was the one who had the balls to say which way I thought our futures should go.... he kept trying to say the words but couldn't get it out and it was painful to watch. I hope he finds whatever he is looking for but it is not with me and it the sooner we get on with our lives the better.... separately.... I need space... big time. I need it to put him out of my mind because what has happened for me is that the man that I love, the man that I know... was a lie. He lied to me on so many levels that I'm amazed I didn't see it. What's coming out of him is that for a long time.... for several years he has been lying to me about all sorts of things. He has not been happy and when I reflect on it I can see that he has been looking for something that I never could give him. I tried to be the best wife and mother that I could be and that just wasn't enough. I can't draw anymore blood so it is good we are not going to be together any more.

Sorry to be so cathartic here... but I suppose if I wrote a book about it then it would be equally painful... and equally public.

Anyway, today is all about waking up.  It is a beautiful morning full of possibility. We may sell the house. We may sell both houses... I may buy the first big thing I have ever owned in my life. I am moving on... and I guess he is too. Now we just have to help the girls get on with their lives too. I remember when Daughter #1 was born and I looked at him and I said... "now we are a family".... And when Daughter #2 came along it really got cemented. But sixteen years later.... I am saying, "now we are not a family". I think of the girls and I as the three amigos... and mom and dad with us are the sidekicks. We will go into the future... and so will he. Now if that's not waking up, I don't know what is.

Tired

This week of testing has left me feeling like a dish rag. I am tired like never before. I am physically tired but I am also mentally worn out. I think about things all the time... things that would wear anyone down. Suddenly I find I am the head of a family of five with all the responsibilities of aged parents and on the verge of life teenagers. Just thinking about how to get us all home to Newfoundland with two dogs is daunting in its scope. Pops is a huge help. We are thinking that taking the train across country would offer the girls a wee diversion after saying goodbye to their dad. Maybe it will help to take their minds off the fact that their lives are falling apart. Of course this is all dependent on the house selling... - - I have been packing up. It is hard to believe that this six year odyssey is over. I may not even get back here for graduation. Over the years I've been through 3 graduations. This would have been the forth and if truth be told the only one that really has meaning. I finished all 5 samples that I needed to finish today in class. But it took every bit of my concentration to get it done. I passed in one of them wet! But there it is and wet it was. We packed the cars up in a torrential downpour and thunder was all around. I had intended to walk through the grounds once more but it didn't happen. There's something significant there. I'm not quite sure what it is but I keep my fingers crossed that some how... some way Ivan return to Olds. I would love to come back maybe even to teach. Who knows. It's all so spectacularly changed... my life and my expectations are once again taking an about face through no choice of my own. Yes I know I could stay in BC but I honestly don't think that would be healthy. HH is not big enough for me to live with the other woman there too. I know I would become a bitter old bag. So I think this adventure that I am about to embark upon will be good for us if not totally welcome. Daughter# 2 is looking forward with anticipation. Daughter #1 is anxious but looking forward too. They both will miss their Dad dreadfully. And truth be told so will I... Just not the man he has become. His mind is so full of Her that he has forgotten how to see us. He has other woman blinders on. I've tried to make him see us again but there is no hope for that. He is well and truly lost to us. I don't know what doing this will do to improve his life but I think ( don't know) that at some point there might be regrets. It feels like he is replacing us with her and her children! I cannot understand that at all. The poor fool. It is sad really. Perhaps her children are more to his liking. Perhaps it's just me.. I just can't wrap my head around it all. I know he's tired of the old so I guess it's out with the old and in with the new.

Currently It's All A Crap Shoot

Friday arrives quietly in the night while the peaceful sounds of slumber prevail. I am awake at 3 a.m. But what is new about that. The last two days have been full of disappointment. We have not sold our house yet and the one we wanted which seemed like such an excellent fit turned out to be a bed of rot much like my life has been all along without me knowing. I am glad to know that it is a bed of rot because now I won't buy it. Who needs more rot in their life. Cut out the rot and your bound to find something good eventually. The testing continues in class. For the most part I am satisfied with my marks but there are occasional hiccups. I had a big test on Wednesday and got 100% but then I've spun at least two skeins that are only in the 70-80% range. I am not sleeping well and each night I wake around 3 a.m. This is because I spend too much time grieving for what I hoped would be my life. I look ahead and see nothing but hardship and loneliness with very little light on the horizon. The future with all myy joy of going home looks bleak at best and very dark at worst. Tomorrow/today is our last day here. Olds has been a haven in an ocean of flux. I still have five samples left to do. And do them I will. Our days are long beginning work at 8 a.m. And finishing up at 6 p.m. with very little in the way for breaks. We work at breakneck speed but it seems to be completed at a snail's pace. One more day and I will be glad to finish the testing. But as I walk through campus for the last time and look at the splendiferous grounds I think I will cry for love lost and all that goes with it. Saturday I will head home to the sham of my life. And what then???

Grammar

Sorry for all the punctuation/grammar/spelling mistakes in all away posts. Typing on a cell phone keyboard sucks. I'll leave it at that.

What's Normal Anymore

Normally I would be calling home so that I could talk to all of my dear ones. But though I talk to the girls each night... though I find out what's happening at home somehow it seems strange to not talk to the person I thought of as my best friend. Once upon a time he would have cared how my day was going... He would have wanted to hear about the testing that I'm slowly getting through... now there is just an emptiness where he used to be. So I tell you how it went instead. - - It was tough. A long day with incompleted work. I never passed in any of my skeins. They did not get finished in time. This is not as bad as it sounds. I love the instructor... She's awesome and so calm. She put our minds at ease right away. That is not to say that she is not tough. You only have to look at the questions she gave us to see that. But I think she will be fair in her marking. My first two questions were novelty yarns.. One with color and one with texture. For my color yarn I chose to make a cabled yarn from silk hankies. Love that and I've done it many times. I wet finished it but by the end of the day it still wasn't dry enough to complete the calculations for Bradford count. I will finish that today and pass it in. The second yarn with texture was a Bucle yarn which took forever and since a large part of it was mohair it too was still too wet at the end of the day to pass in. I have discovered that my instructor has never gotten more than two ply yarns for those questions. I never do anything by halves. A four ply yarn and a three ply yarn ate up my time like you wouldn't believe. I found that suddenly it was 3 p.m. And I still had two skeins left to spin and only an hour left. I panicked! I started work right away on the 5 yd skein on the low whorl spindle. It is about half finished. I will finish that today. I am going in at 8 a.m. This morning to see if I can catch up, but I was so tired last night I didn't even want to go to the fashion show. Last evening, which has always been an highlight of Fibre Week. - - So what's ahead? There will be more skeins added today to the roster and I am hoping that today will go better. I hope so. I'll be glad when I'm finished. I more thing done on my way to certification. The social activities for the most part are over... at least the formal ones are. I think there is a barbecue/party on Wednesday night, but other than that it is all work from here on in. Through it all I feel like I'm out of step with it all. How many people go around with a smile on their face when the whole time they feel like it is painted on. I meet other people as I walk around campus and wonder. Perhaps happiness is all just one big sham. - - on that note I will take my caustic and vinigary remarks away from this forum! Perhaps my new nickname should be vinigar.

And So It Begins

Level 6. A week of testing. I do have to say I'm nervous. Class will begin with a written requirement on the board and my classmates and I will be expected to execute that requirement. There are twenty to do over four days with a day of Indigo vat dyeing. Friday it will be over. Then I will have a year to complete my In Depth Study. I am hoping to be approved of the topic of Traditional Hooked Rugs: A Study of the Textiles Specifically Used And How To Spin For The Associated Fabrics. So I would be studying jute for burlap, flax for linen backing, and English long wools that were used in the weaving of worsted fabrics of the 18th century and the shorter down wools used in woollen mills for the fabrics used to produce hooked rugs currently. Jute, flax, Lincoln wool, Border Liecester wool, and Shetland wool, would be some of the fibers I would be studying with an eye to weaving the fabrics associated with rug hooking. - - I cannot allow myself to be distracted. One foot forward each day it will get easier so I am told. I sure hope so because it is all so very raw at the moment. Wish me luck... or say a prayer. I will need all the help I can get.