The Reckoning

It has been over a month since I began the story of how Sir Arsewipe and I got to be where we are. I know most of you have read that story and lamented the way things unfolded. People who have read my story tell me how raw and bitter the pain is... that it jumps right off the page because it is so raw.  But to write my story in any other way would be disingenuous. I want my friends and family to know my deepest feelings about my life because I want them to know how easy it is to be fooled into complacency. How harmful lying and sneaking behind the back of the person who is closest to you can be.  I know I will carry this with me the rest of my life... it has ruined my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry over our love lost. There not a night goes by that I don't lie awake wondering where M is and if he is in bed with the other woman. There's not an night goes by that I wonder if he is touching her they way he used to touch me.  There's not a day goes by that I am not consumed by the bitterness that eats at my insides and may possibly poison all the good things in my life if I cannot find a way to let go of it.  I often think about how he used to hold my hand and how that made me feel. There is nothing better than having the hand of the man you love in yours and after all is said and done you cannot turn off love like a switch. Even now after all these months and after all that I have discovered about M, even knowing that I could never be a part of his life again, even with all the bitterness that eats at me, I can't help loving him... because I do... not the him that I have discovered that he has become but the him that I fell in love with... the him that I know is still there somewhere. In some ways I wish he had died on June 7th because the cut would have been so final and the hurt would have been mourning and not this bitter stew that it has become.

This story is being told also because I hope that someday, some way M will read this and he will realize how he has torn me in two. I hope he does... not for revenge but so that he can understand that I didn't neglect him and that I did love him... more than anything else in this world I loved him. He should know what a destructive force his actions have been... how one person's life can be so destroyed and how hard it is to pick up the pieces if I can.

I also tell this story not only as catharsis for me but because I want his family to know how easily it is to be fooled by your own family... by someone that you think you know.  Mostly I write this story for my girls... and no they don't read my blog very often... sometimes like their dad, I would read it to them for feedback on the writing but I have not wanted them to hear the horrible story over and over as it is like a cancer and it has been hard enough to keep my feelings on the subject to myself... so much so that I have not succeeded very well. The main reason that I write here this dreadful story is so that if for some reason, they in the future want to know me better and I am not here to impart this information, then someone might be able to lead them to this site and show them the story of the end of their mother's and father's great love.

There is one other reason that I write this story... it is because if for some reason there is someone out there contemplating cheating or lying to their spouse and they read this and it stops them from doing it then I will have imparted knowledge and helped another innocent victim and that is good.

For those of you who hit this site on today's posting and want to read my complete story you can go here and here for the two previous posts leading up to this one.

My Story continued again: Spilling The Beans

When I left off last, with my story, I was running away to my friend's house. Daughter #1 was with me but Daughter #2 had opted to stay for a few days with her father.

So I left.  As we drove there, Daughter #1 and I talked about a lot of things but mostly she talked  about all the things she wanted in her life and I was happy to let her go on about it because it helped to distract my mind from the angst that was twisting up my insides. One of the things that she wanted was to dye her hair blue... not totally but she wanted blue streaks or one large blue streak. I knew this kind of girly thing to do for the next couple of days would help to distract me but also it would give us something to do, to while away time before HE left for Vernon. One week that's all I had to get through... I could do that. A week and then he would be away in Vernon and I could return to my home... in the meantime what better way to spend time with my Daughter than by doing the things that would be fun and maybe even hilarious. We were up early in the mornings and we would go have breakfast at a local coffee shop and we would do a little shopping. All the while we were enjoying ourselves, my mind was in a void. It is not as hard to do two things at the same time as one would think. I would for all appearances laugh with my daughter but all the while, inside I was so broken. Wednesday arrived and I knew I had to take Daughter #1 out to HH so that she could finish her last day of work... and after she would have to go to the house and pack for Vernon. I knew I would see him. My mind had been mulling and mulling over everything that had passed between us. I am an over analytical person and so every nuance of body language was analyzed by me over and over again. Every time I thought about this horror, I kept coming back to the fact that he was finished with me but my heart had not let go... I had to make it let go.

When I arrived at our house there was a message from her employer that Daughter #1 would not be needed at work after all. Instead, she went right upstairs and began to pack. Sir Arsewipe needed water and so he loaded the water tank into the back of the truck and went off to haul water for his use for the rest of the week. I sat on the deck and the two Daughters got their gear ready so that when he returned with the truck we would be ready to leave. It was while I was sitting on the deck that I got an idea. The idea was sly and sneaky and might work or it might possibly not work... 

Years earlier when M had decided to open a FB account I had felt uncomfortable with social networking. I felt that there was a part of him that I didn't know and I felt distrustful of the situation. (In hind sight I was perfectly right in that distrust.)  I felt there was an awkwardness to M having a part of his life so wholly separate from mine. I was reluctant to open my own Facebook account and so I had asked M if I could go into his account and look around and see what it was like. He told me his password and so I used it to access his account and all the information on Facebook to get a feel for what it was like. My sneaky plan was to use that old password and see if it was still active and go into his account to see what exactly was going on between his chit and him... and hopefully in the process help my heart to let go. I sat on the deck in the bright summer sun and tried it... M is not the most astute person so I was not surprised when it worked. He hadn't thought that he should hide his private world from me with a new password. I didn't just have access to his public page I had access to all of his private messages too. All of them and not just the ones he had sent to his chit. I sat there on the deck and read and read and read.....and what I found out was that he had not been my M for a very long time....

When he came back to the house I had only just started to read.... I had read only a few of his messages to her....only a few. We left the house, me with trepidation as my constant companion... what if he found out what I was doing, and I hadn't told the girls either what I was doing... it was my secret alone. In hind sight, I realize that accessing someones private messages is a violation of their rights... but he had been violating my trust for many months and though justifying it still doesn't make it right it made me feel a little better.  I also know that in hind sight I would do it again.... in a heart beat.

I got back to my friend's house in FSJ and went to my room and kept reading. I read and read and read. I read and read and read some more, and still there was more to read. Supper time came and I got dinner and then I sat down and read some more. By this time the girls knew what I was doing. They knew I had gotten into his personal text messages on FB and was reading private material between his girlfriend and himself. He had told me that their relationship had only gotten serious in the last few months.... that was false... he had been doing physical things like sticking his tongue in her ear and giving her back and foot messages since back early in the fall of 2011. (These are the things that I know of for sure but other things were intimated.) It went all the way back to when he first got the iPhone, and from those earliest messages it had been going on even before that. He had lied... he had told me that their friendship had only been going on for a few months and only just recently developed beyond that, and he had told me that it hadn't developed past kissing. From what was being said it had been going on since at least the previous summer and it was far beyond kissing. I was getting a real eye opener into my husband. Their conversations were familiar... in some of those messages I could hear him saying the same lines he used with me when we first met. In other conversations there were things to which he was telling her that I had never been privy. I was realizing that there were parts of this man that I did not know at all.... by three in the morning I had pretty much read all 2000 messages between them. I had discovered that he had been spending days in FSJ with her telling me that he was going in for meetings. He had been buying gifts for her without my knowledge. He had even bought her a gift for her birthday which was only a few days before mine. I looked at the Dewalt bag that he had bought for me and realized that all the gifts that he had given me for the last year were gifts of obligation and that the true gifts of his heart were the ones that he had been buying for her. I was so tied up in knots having read all the crap and yuck that he was writing that I almost missed the rest of it...

I was so tired by this time that I felt I had needed a little sleep. So I hit the back button in an effort to log out not only of those messages with his chit but out of his whole account....and it was as I was doing it that I noticed there were names on his list of messages from people of which I had never even heard. I had a quick look through the list and it was as I was going down through it that I noticed one friend that had the first line of their last message there in full display..... and the word "Sweetie" was used followed by the words "good night" and "bum squeeze". I hesitated and thought that's weird...

I opened it up and began to read.... that was the beginning of me growing a backbone. That was the beginning of me trying to really make an effort to put this all behind me.

What I have discovered is that every person can harbour secrets. There are some secrets that should remain secret and there are some secrets that we need to find out. I don't know if I should have found out M's secrets but I needed to find out M's secrets.... They have released me... I feel no obligation in any way shape or form to that man... there has never been a more false person on the face of the earth than the man that I married twenty years ago. Those secrets included that he hates my parents.... and especially my mother, "but she doesn't matter anyway because she will soon forget me." (in reference to her being recently diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia.) He has never loved me, "and married me out of a sense of obligation because I had broken up with a rich guy who I had been with for six years." (Actually it was 7 1/2 years).  He sees our daughters as lazy and unmotivated. He has spent the better part of a year thinking about how he could divorce me. And he has been sexting with another woman he met online for at least three years.  He uses coarse language as a rule with the other two women in his life talking of sexual things blatantly and openly. This has been going on back to at least 2009 and from what I can glean from their conversations, the woman (from the US apparently) goes back far longer than that. She calls him her j--k o-f buddy, and guess what... she's cheating on her husband too not only with Sir Arsewipe but with her partner at work. I have learned that you don't have to be in physical contact with someone to cheat with them as it is in Sir Arsewipe's and R-----'s case. I have found out that a lot of my personal information... private things that no one should know are out there in the stratosphere with a woman who I have never even met and didn't even know was alive until a few short weeks ago. That kind of disloyalty is unforgiveable. They talk about me as though I am the devil incarnate. That I am a "fat crazy bitch". That all I ever do is nag at him and deny him any freedom. "oh here she comes again for round two." There is nothing but contempt for me in his writing. Because of his relationship with R-----, and because he talks to her about the chit in HH (and me and the Daughters if truth be told), I have discovered that my husband is so much like Bill Clinton that it is not even funny... Do you remember what President Clinton said when he was first accused of having sex with Monica Lewinski? He said.... "I swear I have never had sexual relations with this woman"... isn't that what he said? Well my husband said the same thing to me in regards to his girlfriend. But it is not true because he tells R----- everything... He told her about his and the chit's relationship. It gives kissing a whole new meaning...  So much for his story to me about the fact that they had only kissed... apparently putting your face in someone's lap (that's the polite way of putting it) is considered kissing.  The whole thing is far beyond disgusting... he signs off to R----- in the states a number of times with x's and o's regularly and sends her cyber bum squeezes too. Apparently, the HH chit knows about the American chit and the American chit knows about the HH chit and so where does that leave me? O... U.... T... out... that's where I am!

It amazes me how so fooled we can be by what passes as love. I am a victim... I am a person who has enabled this asshole that I am married to, to lie, lie, lie, and keep lying.

I have read over 3307 messages between M and his harem... I have had one of the rudest wake up calls possible. If he can do what he has been doing with these women how many more have there been of which there is no trace. Trust, in any way shape or form between me and that man, is gone and can never, ever return. The sad thing is that the girls are the collateral damage because they found out from me what their father has been up to unfortunately... I didn't mean for them to find out and had I been thinking more clearly they never would have, but that's because I was in complete shock, that's because I had a complete breakdown.... I cried so hard and so long... all the love I bore for my husband has had such a supernova ending... they had to find out... and they found out far more than they should have.... "Mom why are you crying... Mom what is wrong.... Mom what are you reading..." as they removed the iPhone from my limp hands. We have become casualties of lies and deceit. I know I am damaged goods... and it remains to be seen if they are damaged goods too... I hope not but it won't take much to put them right here with me.

I spent my time while he was in Vernon buying ink and paper at Staples and I have copies of that material that I read. I have copies galore. I did that because I knew I might need it if our divorce proceedings got ugly and I knew I would need it for proof. I have read them over a few times but I do not read them any more.... only when my heart gets away from me and I begin to soften toward him. Then I get out those messages that he wrote and I read the worst ones so that I can remember what kind of man he is. Proof is a very good thing because I have done nothing wrong. I didn't break into his account I didn't need to since he had given me his password. I have proof so he cannot accuse me of defamation. And best of all if for some reason down the road I should ever let my guard down and meet a man who I feel is worthy of me... I can prove that my vows in my first marriage were made falsely and I might find redemption in the eyes of the church.... (and hopefully God too).

And so almost ten weeks later, I am only too glad to walk away (though I walk away with a very torn up heart)... I am only too glad to put this pile of crap that I am living in behind me. The Daughters and I felt the necessity to confront him and so we did that when Daughter #1 and he returned from Vernon at the end of July... That day in early July while I was still at my friend's house, that day that I read about R------ and I read all his sick messages to his other chit in HH (who he calls his crumpet) was a day when the girls and I made a plan. We could not confront him then as we wanted because we wanted to confront him altogether. We had to wait until all of us were together when the trip to Vernon was finished. Well, he was only home a couple of days when the eagles swooped in on him and so we laid our cards on the table. He knows that we know that he is the most repelling consummate lier and cheat there can possibly be. I cannot look at him without feeling repelled. My skin crawls each and every time he comes near me. The man of reality and the man of my heart are far apart and two completely different people.

Since July when I read all of his texts... I have had a very hard time looking him in the face... it is not the face of a friend. We will never be friends... we will never be anything again. But every now and again I see his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him now and I see the rage simmering under the surface... he holds a grudge deep in his heart because he thinks I told the girls out of revenge.  But I didn't because I have defended him to them... as stupid as that sounds that man still shares blood with my children and that means something... for me I am finished... but they are not... and never can be. They are chained to him as surely as any prisoner and his ball... so we must find the good in that if it is at all possible.

At one point he went to FSJ to pick up supplies for the renovation on the house and when he returned he told me that he had been to see the mediator at the Fairway Divorce office. We had agreed that the rule of waiting one year for a divorce in BC was ludicrous for us... that there was no going back and that Divorce was the only way forward. He told me that he would sign a document saying that he had committed adultery so that our divorce could go through more quickly. I was satisfied with that... but since then he has told me that the law in BC stipulates that adultery is defined as intercourse and he says that he has never had intercourse with either of these women... I don't know what to believe. I certainly don't trust him. All I have proof of is that he has participated in oral sex. I also see that he is unable to look me in the eye and sometimes I wonder if under it all, the man that I married is still there beneath the alien skin he has donned. I'm sure there must be guilt because he is an adulterer... in my eyes and in his own and in God's he is an adulterer. Legal jargon does not change that.  I wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror.

I keep remembering that somewhere in the Fairways Divorce Solutions literature packet that I got when I signed my contract, that good people get themselves into bad positions... perhaps that is what happened. I don't know and I tell the girls to look at it that way. But I'll be honest I see them looking at their father and I see shear confusion... should they love him or should they not... they are torn loving him is disloyal to me but they cannot hate him. They are so twisted up inside... they love him but they hate his deeds. Daughter #1 has taken to calling  him the "manwhore" behind his back... I don't like it because it indicates that there is much bitterness. In the end the person that he has hurt the most, ironically is himself. He has lost the three best things that ever happened in his life... there were never three women that loved a man as much as the Daughters and I loved him. But he has lost that. All I know is that I hope she/they were worth it.

I have one last thing to say.... this is the end... the end of this story for sure... the end of detailed descriptions (and I am so sorry to have offended anyone, I did try to be as politically correct as possible) of one man's story and his descent into falsehood... but it is also the end of Ye Olde Batt. I will not be returning... the Batt will not be rising again. One of the things that has come out of all this is change. It was forced on me and at first I had difficulty with it... but since the full knowledge of Michael's actions has been found out, I have embraced change... it is my way forward. I am heading to Nfld...  I have dyed my hair and lost some weight, I have permed my hair too in an effort to change my appearances. In addition to these outward changes there are some very important inner changes taking place too. I will move forward with great trepidation... my relationships with people will never be quite the same as I will find it very difficult to trust ever again. In addition, I have realized that calling myself Ye Olde Batt was funny when I first thought of it because I was a happily married woman... and it had no meaning but I see now that any kind of a put down towards yourself is still a put down even if it is meant humourously. As a result, the name has to go.  I've also discovered how hard it is for people to stop calling you by a name by which you have been known for so long... I am never going to use Frankie again... the whole Frankenstein thing is just wrong. So I have decided that since I am going to be changing all of my documentation to accommodate my maiden name anyway, that I will change my name entirely. I will no longer be Ye Olde Batt, Frankie Nichols, or my maiden name... but some of you will learn more about the whole name changing thing soon.  In additon to the whole name change thing, I am going to be a single mom and a primary caretaker to some aging parents. I am also becoming a bayman (which I've never been before, because I grew up a townie)... and I will have to find a way to support myself. I will become one of the mainstream and no longer will the opportunity to farm be part of my life.

At the same time, there are some things that will never change... I am fundamentally a creative person... I can't change that.. nor do I want to. I live, breath, eat, and sleep creativity. The day that I stop creating will be the day that they put me in my box (and it will probably be a wood burned one). I am already thinking about ways I can take out my creative frustrations on my house and property in Nfld!  I am also a spinner and weaver through and through... I do not know how that will manifest itself in my new life... but I am hoping that I will be able to use that to my advantage and make a career out of it. I am also a writer.... if nothing else this past few months of writing here since this catastrophe has driven home that knowledge like a jackhammer. Do not despair though... just because I am not coming back here to Ye Olde Batt doesn't mean that I will not be writing... I will be. Just somewhere else. Some of you will receive invitations to my new blog... some of you will not. There is a reason for this... as part of my way forward through these changes, I am leaving behind M and all things to do with him and I do not want the possibility of him finding my online presence again. If you think that you have been left out and would like to be carried over onto the new blog, you can email... yeoldebatt(the "at" symbol)gmail(dot)com. That email address will be running for the next while...  but at some point I will shut that down too.... after that you will have to find me with lots and lots and lots of luck.

So you see all things change and some things end while others are just beginning.  It is the way of life, my friends. My life with M has come to an end... he has changed and as a result I have changed and my new life alone is just beginning. It has been so good here at Ye Olde Batt and I thank you one and all for letting me into your world...hugs to you all...

Now I must go get on that train...

Finis

With Fear And Trepidation

I begin this day with fear and trepidation. Poor Dad's knee is swollen about double and he has been sitting up most of the night. We stopped in Whitecourt for the night and got the last three rooms available. Dad has not slept in a bed for years because he has his chair. A few years back Sir Arsewipe and I bought him an electronic chair that reclines and lifts and can pretty much put him in any position possible. It is Dad's lifeline. I'm sure that had we not bought that chair for him he would be dead now. It has prolonged his life and that is NOT a joke. Last night my father sat in an uncomfortable chair (I know cause I tried it for a while) and tried to get some sleep. I am sharing the room with my parents as Sir Arsewipe shares with the daughters and the people driving my mom and dad have their own room. Since these where the last three rooms there wasn't a lot to choose from. I am taking along a tribe basically. The two dogs going to Nfld. with us are in our room too. I have been worrying about my dad. If anyone thinks this next four days is going to be a vacation then they are sadly mistaken. This will be an arduous journey. My father for all intents and purposes should be in a wheel chair. The depth of this is beginning to hit home. I am a nursemaid basically to a man who has one foot in the grave and another one on a banana peal, while my mother can barely remember her name. God, what the hell am I doing!?

There is no time to nurse this broken heart... I am on my own with more responsibility than any one person should have. And what choice... Stay and watch my husband with his new life and new love and be eaten alive with bitterness or go forward into an unknown future with aging parents and an unforgiving situation... And what of the Daughters... Is this fair to them?

On My Way

We are on our way. Rough having to drive with my ex husband. What the hell am I doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing.... I'm acting like everything is alright. This world we live in is one screwed up place. I'm back to living in a Salvedore Dali painting. I don't know when this Tilt a Whirl life of mine is going to equalize.

The government of British Columbia is about to tell us that we can go jump in the sack with whomever we choose. I don't feel like that at all. So I guess I'll just keep on living like I'm a Picasso painting. One side of me is up and the other is down.

The Sounds Of Sleeping

The sounds of sleeping are all around me and I am typing this from my new laptop. I sit here on my bed and listen to Narmie who is breathing heavily and making doggie sleeping noises. I listen to Jiggs who is sleeping by the side of me and every so ofter makes a stretching and groaning noise and from down the hall I can here my dad breathing heavily and snoring some too. Mom is at the other end of the house and she is very quietly going back to bed after having to get up a few minutes ago. I am unable once again to sleep. Of course I am worrying. I am walking away from the only man I have ever known as a husband. The only man I have ever trusted so deeply and there is no trust between us anymore. I wish I had movers coming tomorrow to take what is left here in this mobile home so that I could know that it is on the way. But I am not satisfied that the house deal in Nfld. is going ahead yet. And yet today I went to the bank and got a certified check ready and sent it priority post to the law office in Nfld that I am using to complete the house sale in Wesleyville. I am scared but I am also looking forward to this with some excitement. This will be the first time that I own a house or anything significant by myself. That is huge. Today I went to the Motor Vehicle Registration office and signed over the truck into Sir Arsewipe's name. I also went to the bank and removed my name from all joint accounts. There is nothing left to do but pay off a a few bills when his paycheck comes in and I don't have to do that since that will now be his problem.  I must remind him that these things need to be done. I also have to get my phone removed from his so that my bill comes to me and his bill goes to him. For the most part I am completely resigned to this now but every so often I get this feeling like I want to.... well it does no good to go there and so I won't.

I am really liking this little laptop.

I have backed up all of my files on the big computer.... all of them.... and files are transferred to memory sticks and then to this wee laptop.  I am terrified that he will give me trouble about the computer or that it will go missing in the move and I will lose every picture that we have taken in the last ten years. That would be horrific and so I am awake working on computer stuff as pics upload to files then files are loaded onto memory sticks and then from the memory sticks, they go onto this wee laptop.  

And still the sounds of sleeping abound.

It is hard to believe that this town in which I have enjoyed living these past 15 years, will be put behind  me in such a short time. One day left. Tomorrow will be a day of junk to the dump again and deciding which boxes go to Nfld and which ones don't as well as what goes on the truck to Nfld and which things go in the mail. I will have to send a bunch of things tomorrow morning but I will also be expecting Sir Arsewipe to send some of this stuff to me a little at a time when I get established in Nfld. The biggest problem is that I do not have a mailing address in Nfld yet and you wouldn't believe the massive problems this causes. But we shall persevere.

I will not be sorry to see the end of Sir Arsewipe and his chit. There was a slide presentation at the library for the trip to Ghana on Thursday night but I was in FSJ and didn't get back until late. She was in Ghana for three weeks with several kids (mostly hers) over the month of July. They went there to help build an orphanage which is a very commendable thing to do. Her kids actually are quite an awesome set of kids and she must have some good qualities to raise such lovely children but then I guess we could put it down to her husband. Whatever.... who cares. I don't even like to think about it since she and Sir Arsewipe can't wait till I'm gone no doubt.

Narmie just rolled onto his back for a belly rub. He's such a cutie.

I wonder how I will be 24 hours from now. At that point I know that our tip will be only hours away. I still have no financial agreement in place yet and I am heading off this abyss trusting that my untrustworthy ex-husband will not see us starving. How flipping ironic. I wonder if he will think on the 15th when his first paycheck for the year comes in about us and will deposit money in my account. Hmm... I wonder.Sometimes you just have to put your faith in something beyond yourself and pray really hard in the fates that things will work out and if they don't then you just have to go back to school and get funding for it so that you can find a job that will put food on the table and pay the bills. If I have to I will find a way to support us all... without Sir Arsewipe's help.

It is amazing all the dreadful things that go through your mind when only months ago you put stock in a person and had more trust in him than in anyone else on the face of this planet... but after what he has done how can there be any trust. And now he treats me with such disdain and dismissal that I know he has no respect for me... but then I have no respect for him either. How could I?

This will probably be one of my last posts before I leave on the train. I may not get a chance to post here tomorrow and I will try to post from the hotel when we get in Edmonton on Sunday but I am not sure I will be able to. We will have to see how that goes. Either way Wesley, the green dog, waits politely for his trip... there will be pics of him.... and us all as we travel across this great country.

Tomorrow I have people lined up to help me label each item in this house as to where it will go and how it eventually will get to Nfld. I sure hope that all goes smoothly. I am sure there will be a few more boxes that will have to go in the mail and I'm sure that some of those boxes will have to be repacked since the Daughters were thinking that everything would go on the truck to Nfld when they packed them up. Sending stuff via truck and sending stuff via post demands different packing techniques.

And so the sleeping sounds continue and I guess I should try to catch a few winks before dawn comes.

We'll see you from on the road.

Reflections On This Busy Time....

Monday night there was a Bon Voyage party. It was held in my honour... everyone was so kind and they all made me feel so good. Of course I didn't make it through without tears. We ate some yummy food and chatted and gabbed and then we took a picture or two. These are the people who care what happens to me. These are the people that I care about too. They are my friends and it felt good to know that they wanted to celebrate the fact that I had been their friend and that I had been a good one. Yesterday the church gave us a little send off as well. There were good wishes and kind words and they were all heart felt and I felt honoured to know these people. These are the people who I will be sorry to leave. These are the people with which I will stay in touch. The last few days have been difficult ones and I don't expect it to get easier as time draws closer and closer to the close. We are leaving at around 9 a.m. on Sunday and we will go as far as we can with Dad.  It will be a little worrisome since he will have to stop regularly to put his feet up. Till then though we continue to sort and organize our stuff that's here since hopefully we can get the movers to move the majority of it after we leave. Staying at Mom's and Dad's place has meant that I am rarely seeing Sir Arsewipe especially now that he is at the school. But the chit (and believe me I use stronger words for her when not on this venue) is also back to work at the school too. I would love to tattoo across her face.... I am a home wrecker... and then walk away. It would serve her right. Yesterday I was at the stop sign by the post office and she passed by in her car, and honestly, I can't see what he sees in her. It was the first time I have seen her since this all happened and she looked like she had sucked prunes. Squat, fat, little dork!

I have been told to let the bitterness go... that's easier said than done. Don't think I sit around trying to hang on to these dreadful feelings. I don't sit down and nurse them. I do try to put them aside. But when your husband of twenty years throws you over as if you are nothing and then informs you that you were an obligation and never a true love you kind tend to feel a little bit bitter. That is one of the reasons for leaving here..... because when it is in your face all the time, you kind of feel like you've just been through the worst assault. When you see them together or even if you see them separately if it is a regular thing it really is hard to let go of this bitterness, especially when you live in the same town and it's a small town.  You work on being "over it" but seeing them is like a little burst of a taser gun being put to your heart every time.

School is back in session this week.  I have had not one kind word or for that matter, any word, from his co-workers and that is because..... I honestly haven't got a clue. I have cooked lunches for them over the years and I have sent baskets of treats etc... I have sent lunches when they were on strike. I have invited most of them to our house on one occasion or another, I have volunteered at the school and demonstrated spinning and weaving and I have served on the School Planning Council but apparently that means nothing. Perhaps they are embarrassed... perhaps they don't want to choose sides. But it is crushing to know that people you have entertained in your home and made welcome and tried to be friends with can be so dismissive.  Not one kind word... not one.

But I am sick of looking back at this place... it is not the town of my heart... my heart got crushed here under the weight of the jackass I married and have been burdened with for twenty years. So instead, these days I try to focus forward.... Forward facing is best. So I am working on getting this house in ship shape order before I go... Yesterday there were four trips to the dump with old things that should have been cleared out of here ages ago. Lamps that don't work properly and chairs that have been hanging together barely, and an old dishwasher that hasn't worked for three years, old mattresses that you wouldn't have your dog lie on, and blanket and sheets that are so frayed they are not worth a cobbler's cuss, even old bookshelves that were barely hanging together. It all made a one way trip to the dump. And good riddance.... it just means less to deal with and more room to get around in this small mobile home I am sharing with my Mom and Dad.

I am beginning to panic as I get closer to the date when I leave. There is still not an agreement in place for spousal and child support. Today I will be in the office of our mediator and I am hoping that the outcome will be good.  I would like to have this all in order before I go. Then there will be a quick course on co-parenting... and then some child custodial issues will be negotiated. We have CPP issue outstanding and hopefully we can say that it is done. He will have to sign a form saying that he has committed adultery and that is why our marriage has broken down and then the whole thing can be signed off and filed in court and then he is free to do whatever he wants and I am free to do what I need to do. How we go into the future from there will be up to us each individually. For me I will be making a new life in a new place with the support of family (cousins, uncles, and aunts, and even my sister) as I make new friends. For him it will be the same old, same old, only he'll be getting his jollies off with a new girl. (Sorry that was a little bitterness that slipped out. I wonder if you can totally let go of the bitterness. Most of the divorced women I know still hold grudges after years of being divorced.)

The picture at the top of today's post seemed particularly significant since I am feeling like I am walking a very fine line between shooting for the stars or falling into the abyss. The last few days have been really tough since for a while there it looked like I might lose the house in Nfld... {see I told you that Murphy lives with me.... I think he has taken to hanging onto my pants and living in my underwear.  If you see me, just tell me to bend over and give Murphy a good swift kick will ya. : ) Oh I love it when my sense of humour comes back a little!} I think we have it all straightened out but honestly I won't feel safe with the house situation until the deed is in a safe deposit box and the keys are in my hands. It is so easy to lose the sale of a house deal because of just shear stupid bad luck... and mine is apparently stupid bad luck. No lottery tickets for me... with my luck I'd win and have to give Sir Arsewipe half!!!!

Today there is a trip to FSJ... probably my last. I have to take the girls to the dentist for a cleaning... Narmin has to go for his booster, I have to pick up a kennel for Jiggs, and a laptop for traveling so that I don't lose all my computer files, I have to get tags for luggage and maybe even a piece or two of luggage and some hair dye since my blondness is beginning to need a pick-me-up and I think the girls want to have at their hair with dye too. I will also, as I said have to go to the Fairways Divorce office and get some more on that sorted too. So there it is. Three days left and still tons to do. But after all is said and done, I can't wait for those three days to go... the hardest one is left... and that will be the days we leave Edmonton on the train and watch as my husband for the last twenty years and the girl's father gets smaller in the distance. I wonder how we will all handle that. I know he'll care some about the girls but I wonder if he'll care a fig about me leaving.... somehow I doubt it and besides his chit will be waiting to cheer him up.

I'm off for another busy day....

Labour Day.... Gone

Yesterday was labour day and while most people were getting home after their last summer weekend of camping... picnicking, fishing etc..., I have been lamenting another summer gone. Last year after our wonderful trip to Cameron Lake camping I knew I wanted more of that in my life and so I began saving money for a really nice summer vacation this year.  It was not to be. All through the winter and spring I looked forward to finally being able to enjoy the fruits of my savings with my husband and daughters knowing that more than likely my camping days with the girls would soon be at an end since they are getting older and will be working themselves during the summer.

Daughter #1 will be 17 this December and when I was her age I struck out on my own. Daughter #2 is going to be 16 in May and she will certainly be looking at getting a job if I can just help ease her through this dreadful shyness that she has developed. They are good girls and I am inordinately proud of them. Daughter #1 had gotten a job in Vernon and had also secured a job at a wee boutique here in HH and was loving every minute of it. She followed through with her job in Vernon and was paid a nice tidy sum. The job at the boutique didn't last since as soon as it was known that we were moving her employer decided to hire someone else who could be trained quickly in Daughter #1's place. so she has lost the job that she loved so much. Daughter #1 is a worry because she has always been shy... but being bullied in school through grade 7 and 8 and in truth ignored through grade 9 has done nothing to boost her confidence. I worry about her because her whole world is sitting in her room making up stories and fantasy worlds. She is an excellent writer and she is an excellent artist ... if she could just put those two things together she could probably get some of her work published. Her biggest drawback is her shyness. Still I am hopeful that she will outgrow this and it will not become debilitating.

I watch my girls getting older and I realize that there have been so many summers that have passed us by and I wish I could snatch them back in an effort to give them more of their youth... a time when life is good and there are no worries. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that their burdens would be added to with this gargantuan and epic life change. Mostly we try to look upon it as an adventure and in all honesty I am not sorry that their horizons will be broadened somewhat. They need to experience a different world and a different culture. It will be a phenomenal experience. But as a mom you can't help worrying.

Today is the first day of school and they should be getting involved with clubs and sports and seeing their friends after months apart and they should be worrying about their makeup and their new clothes and whether or not they have the right binders... instead they are wondering if they will have a house to move into when we get to Nfld. They are worrying about their mother and when she will stop tearing up every five minutes. They are worrying about what their father is doing and whether or not they will have a new step mother by next year. They are worrying about the friends they are leaving behind and whether or not they will fit into their new school. They have far too many worries at this stage in their lives.

Sir Arsewipe seems to be as happy as a pig in sh--. He goes and comes at will, though he will not come into my parents house. I think he feels that he can't face them and he is right... my mother wants to thrash him and my father wants to beat him with his walking cane. In some ways I am thankful for my parents ferociousness but at others times I find it funny... and occasionally I find the whole thing just one more burden that I have to shoulder. I am constantly trying to fix it so that my parents and my almost ex husband don't come face to face.

Like the girls I am worrying too. I am worrying that the sale of the house in Nfld will not go through. I am worrying that I won't be able to get everything done before I leave, I am worrying that I won't have a job when I get where I am going. I am worrying that dad will have serious health issues on the way there. I am worrying about mom and whether she will come through with her senses somewhat intact. I am worrying about getting a mover after we have left and will they take the stuff that needs to go and will I be able to pay for it all. I am worrying about whether or not I can make a home that is fit and livable where I am going. I am worrying that I will hit a brick wall when everything settles down and I am safely tucked away and I won't feel like moving out of my bed for ten years and that I will have a complete breakdown when this whirlwind comes to a halt.

I am sick of worrying.

I don't have time to worry about Sir Arsewipe... but every now and again I do. What kind of weird trip is he on... why is there a huge debt on a credit card in his name that he has only had for two years.  Is there more to this than meets the eye (and there's already enough) is he involved with something that he shouldn't be.... will he continue to support me or will I have to go to courts and so forth... He has changed so much and there is so little trust between us. Last night once again when I had to speak to him about a bunch of stuff he spoke to me very derogatorily... as though I had a head as dense as a rock.I am a very unliked person. And I worry about what he is saying to the girls.  I worry about his family... his mom and sister and brothers and how they are reacting since only one of them has contacted me in any way shape or form. After twenty years I am surprised by that. I thoughtI was welcomed into the family and I was by his mom and sister... but as for the rest... I guess not so much. You find out very quickly who gives a sh-- in a situation like this.

There are several going away parties this week. The church is having a tea.... and my knit girls are throwing a bon voyage party and the spinners and weavers are coming hopefully to join us in that one since I don't have the ability to drive into town quite so readily anymore. I appreciate the going away parties as I will miss these folks but sometimes I wonder how I will get through it all since I am feeling pretty emotionally fragile right now. Like I will start crying any minute and never stop. but every time I do I think of the ocean and the beach and I think about all that is left to do and that nips it in the bud... but what about when I don't have anything to worry about and think about... hopefully there will always be something to think about.  I can't think back... that will just not do.

Whenever there is a moment's rest I stop resting and jump up and go go go.... if I don't I.... well we won't go there.

So here I sit and the day pans out before me... I have to phone the lawyer in Nfld and find out what she is up to since she is the one stirring the sh-- there. I have to call a surveyor in Nfld and see about sorting out the survey situation. I have to go to the bank and open my own account and get it set up on debit and find our about big transfers of cash in the next few weeks as I pay for a house and a car. I have to get the girls savings accounts set up so that they have debit cards and teach the correct way to balance an account. I have to pay off that blasted credit card and pick up some boxes and send our winter clothes through the mail to my sister's place in Nova Scotia so that I can haul that across to Nfld. I have to go to the school and find out about the girls transfer stuff. I have to get a fax # so that I can receive a fax and send a fax.... and then I have to start packing my parents house up. This Sunday coming we leave for Edmonton. I can't wait. I am looking forward to walking aboard the train on Monday night with Wesley under my arm and the Daughters by my side and my parents in tow... and I won't look back not even for an instant because if I do I know who I will see.... and I just don't want to see him as the train pulls out of the station.

Just keep looking forward.... somewhere ahead there have to be better things... like maybe a new home.

I live in hope....

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window

Let me introduce you to Wesley....

This is the story of Wesley...

Once upon a time there was a little old lady whose husband owned a store... this was many years ago. The husband decided that he needed to make his little general store to be a little bit of a classier establishment and so he decided to import from England some lovely ceramics. He brought in dishes and souptureens and cups and saucers and there were even some ceramic and decorative dogs.  Now this was during a time in the late 30's and early 40's when art deco was in style... among the ceramic dogs was one damn ugly green dog that no one in their right mind would ever buy. For many months the green dog sat on a shelf and no one even looked at it.... so the man who owned the store lowered the price. This happened over and over as time went by and the dog still did not sell. Finally one day he decided that he had had enough of the green dog sitting in his store and so he took it home to his wife. His wife took one look at it and decided that the best she could do for the green dog would be to sit it high on the top of her upright piano, toward the back where it's presence could be somewhat forgotten except on dusting day. The green dog sat there and day after day passed and soon weeks had passed and then months passed and then years passed.  The husband got sick and died and the old woman sat in the house by herself and her grown children were now gone from home and she was just rambling around in the house by herself and feeling rather lonely. Finally the old woman decided that it was time to close up her house and go and live with her daughter. So she did. Meanwhile the green dog sat on the piano now collecting dust. Eventually even the old lady died and her family came to pack up the house and because they had sold it. They went through each room cleaning out the things that had been left there years before. Finally they came to the parlour and there was the piano with the green dog sitting on the back of it. No body wanted the green dog. They were going to throw the darn thing in the garbage when the wife of one of the sons of the old lady said, "I kind of like it... it's strange but if you don't mind I will take it with me and I will find a place for it in my house." Everyone was relieved that they didn't have to deal with the green dog anymore and so they were happy to let the woman have it.

So the green dog found a new home... for many years the green dog sat on a shelf high up out of sight and just collected dust. Then one day it was packed into a box and shunted off to a new house because the family who owned it were moving.  When it was unpacked it once again was placed on a shelf and left to collect dust but by now the family that owned it were so used to the green dog that they had begun to kind of like the little guy. They would say things like, "that is the sorriest excuse for nice ceramics I have ever seen but it does have a cute face." And so the green dog began to finally find it's place in the family.

The green dog continued to collect dust as ceramic things do when you are not the most impressive house keeper but every so often someone would look at the green dog almost affectionately. One day the green dog got wrapped up again and packed into a box and when it got taken out again the woman who loved it decided to not put it on a shelf but to use it as a door stop. For many years the little green dog would get kicked out of the way every time someone would go into the bathroom. The green dog worked very hard for it's place in the family. But slowly the green dog became more and more an object of affection. Family members were growing up and moving away and the green dog continued to work as a door stop. Being ceramic it was a miracle that the green dog did not get broken, but it didn't. The lady who owned the dog was beginning to get older and soon it was time for retirement. Once again the green dog began to hear stories of moving and he knew that soon he would be wrapped again and sent off into a box to the next house.

He sat there politely holding the bathroom door open waiting for the day to arrive when he would be packed into a box. One day a junk dealer came to the house to buy old junk and he picked up the green dog and said, "I'll offer you two dollars for this green dog." The woman looked at the green dog and for a split second she thought well that has certainly passed it use so I think..... and she looked into the eyes of the green dog and in that moment the green dog became an item of affection.... and so the lady said... "oh that is not for sale since my mother-in-law used to keep that green dog on her piano." 

And so it came to pass that the movers once again came and the green dog was gently wrapped in proper packing and put into a box. This time the green dog spent many day in the box on a truck and when next the dog saw the light of day it was in a very different place. It was clear across the country in British Columbia.

The green dog was gently unwrapped and placed in the highest place of honour. The house that the green dog was living in had a large bay window. It was placed on a lovely lace doily and it was dusted regularly and there it sat in the window watching daily as visitors came and went. The green dog sat in the window for nine whole years until one day the lady's daughter came into the house crying because her jackass husband of twenty years had dumped her. The green dog's ears perked up and he listened intently to the younger woman bemoaning the fact that her arsewipe husband was such a dickwad and that she was leaving and going back to Nfld. The green dog knew he was in for it again... and he became really scared that this time because he thought he would get sold.

A month passed and finally preparations were made to go home to Nfld. Boxes were everywhere and still the green dog was not packed. The green dog began to get worried. Then one day he heard something that started to get him excited. The family were sitting together except for the Arsewipe husband and they were discussing their trip home. There was a fierce debate going on about all the things that are important and all the things that are not and what should be taken and what should be left behind. The lady who had taken the green dog off the piano so many years ago decided that the green dog was necessary to her being. The green dog felt great affection for the now older lady. The older lady who was starting to repeat herself kept saying that she couldn't forget the old green dog. More and more the green dog was liking her. The rest of the family were rolling their eyes but all of a sudden the younger woman who had been dumped by her husband came up with a brilliant idea.  They would take the green dog in their carry on luggage and it would become their mascot. They decided that they would take pictures of it as it was traveling across Canada with the family and they even hoped that a conductor on board the train would be willing to pose with the green dog and stand petting it as it looked out the window of the train.

Now the green dog needed a name.... they sat thinking of names but none of the names seemed to be right. It was later in the week when the younger woman went to visit a friend at the dump that she came home with a good name for the little green dog.... it was her friend at the dump who came up with the name. He was gently christened Wesley in the kitchen sink removing the dust and dirt of the earlier weeks of neglect and placed on an old rocking chair and for the first time in his life the little green dog now name Wesley was introduced to the world.

It was the beginning of his greatest adventure ever.