This story is being told also because I hope that someday, some way M will read this and he will realize how he has torn me in two. I hope he does... not for revenge but so that he can understand that I didn't neglect him and that I did love him... more than anything else in this world I loved him. He should know what a destructive force his actions have been... how one person's life can be so destroyed and how hard it is to pick up the pieces if I can.
I also tell this story not only as catharsis for me but because I want his family to know how easily it is to be fooled by your own family... by someone that you think you know. Mostly I write this story for my girls... and no they don't read my blog very often... sometimes like their dad, I would read it to them for feedback on the writing but I have not wanted them to hear the horrible story over and over as it is like a cancer and it has been hard enough to keep my feelings on the subject to myself... so much so that I have not succeeded very well. The main reason that I write here this dreadful story is so that if for some reason, they in the future want to know me better and I am not here to impart this information, then someone might be able to lead them to this site and show them the story of the end of their mother's and father's great love.
There is one other reason that I write this story... it is because if for some reason there is someone out there contemplating cheating or lying to their spouse and they read this and it stops them from doing it then I will have imparted knowledge and helped another innocent victim and that is good.
For those of you who hit this site on today's posting and want to read my complete story you can go here and here for the two previous posts leading up to this one.
My Story continued again: Spilling The Beans
When I left off last, with my story, I was running away to my friend's house. Daughter #1 was with me but Daughter #2 had opted to stay for a few days with her father.
So I left. As we drove there, Daughter #1 and I talked about a lot of things but mostly she talked about all the things she wanted in her life and I was happy to let her go on about it because it helped to distract my mind from the angst that was twisting up my insides. One of the things that she wanted was to dye her hair blue... not totally but she wanted blue streaks or one large blue streak. I knew this kind of girly thing to do for the next couple of days would help to distract me but also it would give us something to do, to while away time before HE left for Vernon. One week that's all I had to get through... I could do that. A week and then he would be away in Vernon and I could return to my home... in the meantime what better way to spend time with my Daughter than by doing the things that would be fun and maybe even hilarious. We were up early in the mornings and we would go have breakfast at a local coffee shop and we would do a little shopping. All the while we were enjoying ourselves, my mind was in a void. It is not as hard to do two things at the same time as one would think. I would for all appearances laugh with my daughter but all the while, inside I was so broken. Wednesday arrived and I knew I had to take Daughter #1 out to HH so that she could finish her last day of work... and after she would have to go to the house and pack for Vernon. I knew I would see him. My mind had been mulling and mulling over everything that had passed between us. I am an over analytical person and so every nuance of body language was analyzed by me over and over again. Every time I thought about this horror, I kept coming back to the fact that he was finished with me but my heart had not let go... I had to make it let go.
When I arrived at our house there was a message from her employer that Daughter #1 would not be needed at work after all. Instead, she went right upstairs and began to pack. Sir Arsewipe needed water and so he loaded the water tank into the back of the truck and went off to haul water for his use for the rest of the week. I sat on the deck and the two Daughters got their gear ready so that when he returned with the truck we would be ready to leave. It was while I was sitting on the deck that I got an idea. The idea was sly and sneaky and might work or it might possibly not work...
Years earlier when M had decided to open a FB account I had felt uncomfortable with social networking. I felt that there was a part of him that I didn't know and I felt distrustful of the situation. (In hind sight I was perfectly right in that distrust.) I felt there was an awkwardness to M having a part of his life so wholly separate from mine. I was reluctant to open my own Facebook account and so I had asked M if I could go into his account and look around and see what it was like. He told me his password and so I used it to access his account and all the information on Facebook to get a feel for what it was like. My sneaky plan was to use that old password and see if it was still active and go into his account to see what exactly was going on between his chit and him... and hopefully in the process help my heart to let go. I sat on the deck in the bright summer sun and tried it... M is not the most astute person so I was not surprised when it worked. He hadn't thought that he should hide his private world from me with a new password. I didn't just have access to his public page I had access to all of his private messages too. All of them and not just the ones he had sent to his chit. I sat there on the deck and read and read and read.....and what I found out was that he had not been my M for a very long time....
When he came back to the house I had only just started to read.... I had read only a few of his messages to her....only a few. We left the house, me with trepidation as my constant companion... what if he found out what I was doing, and I hadn't told the girls either what I was doing... it was my secret alone. In hind sight, I realize that accessing someones private messages is a violation of their rights... but he had been violating my trust for many months and though justifying it still doesn't make it right it made me feel a little better. I also know that in hind sight I would do it again.... in a heart beat.
I got back to my friend's house in FSJ and went to my room and kept reading. I read and read and read. I read and read and read some more, and still there was more to read. Supper time came and I got dinner and then I sat down and read some more. By this time the girls knew what I was doing. They knew I had gotten into his personal text messages on FB and was reading private material between his girlfriend and himself. He had told me that their relationship had only gotten serious in the last few months.... that was false... he had been doing physical things like sticking his tongue in her ear and giving her back and foot messages since back early in the fall of 2011. (These are the things that I know of for sure but other things were intimated.) It went all the way back to when he first got the iPhone, and from those earliest messages it had been going on even before that. He had lied... he had told me that their friendship had only been going on for a few months and only just recently developed beyond that, and he had told me that it hadn't developed past kissing. From what was being said it had been going on since at least the previous summer and it was far beyond kissing. I was getting a real eye opener into my husband. Their conversations were familiar... in some of those messages I could hear him saying the same lines he used with me when we first met. In other conversations there were things to which he was telling her that I had never been privy. I was realizing that there were parts of this man that I did not know at all.... by three in the morning I had pretty much read all 2000 messages between them. I had discovered that he had been spending days in FSJ with her telling me that he was going in for meetings. He had been buying gifts for her without my knowledge. He had even bought her a gift for her birthday which was only a few days before mine. I looked at the Dewalt bag that he had bought for me and realized that all the gifts that he had given me for the last year were gifts of obligation and that the true gifts of his heart were the ones that he had been buying for her. I was so tied up in knots having read all the crap and yuck that he was writing that I almost missed the rest of it...
I was so tired by this time that I felt I had needed a little sleep. So I hit the back button in an effort to log out not only of those messages with his chit but out of his whole account....and it was as I was doing it that I noticed there were names on his list of messages from people of which I had never even heard. I had a quick look through the list and it was as I was going down through it that I noticed one friend that had the first line of their last message there in full display..... and the word "Sweetie" was used followed by the words "good night" and "bum squeeze". I hesitated and thought that's weird...
I opened it up and began to read.... that was the beginning of me growing a backbone. That was the beginning of me trying to really make an effort to put this all behind me.
What I have discovered is that every person can harbour secrets. There are some secrets that should remain secret and there are some secrets that we need to find out. I don't know if I should have found out M's secrets but I needed to find out M's secrets.... They have released me... I feel no obligation in any way shape or form to that man... there has never been a more false person on the face of the earth than the man that I married twenty years ago. Those secrets included that he hates my parents.... and especially my mother, "but she doesn't matter anyway because she will soon forget me." (in reference to her being recently diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia.) He has never loved me, "and married me out of a sense of obligation because I had broken up with a rich guy who I had been with for six years." (Actually it was 7 1/2 years). He sees our daughters as lazy and unmotivated. He has spent the better part of a year thinking about how he could divorce me. And he has been sexting with another woman he met online for at least three years. He uses coarse language as a rule with the other two women in his life talking of sexual things blatantly and openly. This has been going on back to at least 2009 and from what I can glean from their conversations, the woman (from the US apparently) goes back far longer than that. She calls him her j--k o-f buddy, and guess what... she's cheating on her husband too not only with Sir Arsewipe but with her partner at work. I have learned that you don't have to be in physical contact with someone to cheat with them as it is in Sir Arsewipe's and R-----'s case. I have found out that a lot of my personal information... private things that no one should know are out there in the stratosphere with a woman who I have never even met and didn't even know was alive until a few short weeks ago. That kind of disloyalty is unforgiveable. They talk about me as though I am the devil incarnate. That I am a "fat crazy bitch". That all I ever do is nag at him and deny him any freedom. "oh here she comes again for round two." There is nothing but contempt for me in his writing. Because of his relationship with R-----, and because he talks to her about the chit in HH (and me and the Daughters if truth be told), I have discovered that my husband is so much like Bill Clinton that it is not even funny... Do you remember what President Clinton said when he was first accused of having sex with Monica Lewinski? He said.... "I swear I have never had sexual relations with this woman"... isn't that what he said? Well my husband said the same thing to me in regards to his girlfriend. But it is not true because he tells R----- everything... He told her about his and the chit's relationship. It gives kissing a whole new meaning... So much for his story to me about the fact that they had only kissed... apparently putting your face in someone's lap (that's the polite way of putting it) is considered kissing. The whole thing is far beyond disgusting... he signs off to R----- in the states a number of times with x's and o's regularly and sends her cyber bum squeezes too. Apparently, the HH chit knows about the American chit and the American chit knows about the HH chit and so where does that leave me? O... U.... T... out... that's where I am!
It amazes me how so fooled we can be by what passes as love. I am a victim... I am a person who has enabled this asshole that I am married to, to lie, lie, lie, and keep lying.
I have read over 3307 messages between M and his harem... I have had one of the rudest wake up calls possible. If he can do what he has been doing with these women how many more have there been of which there is no trace. Trust, in any way shape or form between me and that man, is gone and can never, ever return. The sad thing is that the girls are the collateral damage because they found out from me what their father has been up to unfortunately... I didn't mean for them to find out and had I been thinking more clearly they never would have, but that's because I was in complete shock, that's because I had a complete breakdown.... I cried so hard and so long... all the love I bore for my husband has had such a supernova ending... they had to find out... and they found out far more than they should have.... "Mom why are you crying... Mom what is wrong.... Mom what are you reading..." as they removed the iPhone from my limp hands. We have become casualties of lies and deceit. I know I am damaged goods... and it remains to be seen if they are damaged goods too... I hope not but it won't take much to put them right here with me.
I spent my time while he was in Vernon buying ink and paper at Staples and I have copies of that material that I read. I have copies galore. I did that because I knew I might need it if our divorce proceedings got ugly and I knew I would need it for proof. I have read them over a few times but I do not read them any more.... only when my heart gets away from me and I begin to soften toward him. Then I get out those messages that he wrote and I read the worst ones so that I can remember what kind of man he is. Proof is a very good thing because I have done nothing wrong. I didn't break into his account I didn't need to since he had given me his password. I have proof so he cannot accuse me of defamation. And best of all if for some reason down the road I should ever let my guard down and meet a man who I feel is worthy of me... I can prove that my vows in my first marriage were made falsely and I might find redemption in the eyes of the church.... (and hopefully God too).
And so almost ten weeks later, I am only too glad to walk away (though I walk away with a very torn up heart)... I am only too glad to put this pile of crap that I am living in behind me. The Daughters and I felt the necessity to confront him and so we did that when Daughter #1 and he returned from Vernon at the end of July... That day in early July while I was still at my friend's house, that day that I read about R------ and I read all his sick messages to his other chit in HH (who he calls his crumpet) was a day when the girls and I made a plan. We could not confront him then as we wanted because we wanted to confront him altogether. We had to wait until all of us were together when the trip to Vernon was finished. Well, he was only home a couple of days when the eagles swooped in on him and so we laid our cards on the table. He knows that we know that he is the most repelling consummate lier and cheat there can possibly be. I cannot look at him without feeling repelled. My skin crawls each and every time he comes near me. The man of reality and the man of my heart are far apart and two completely different people.
Since July when I read all of his texts... I have had a very hard time looking him in the face... it is not the face of a friend. We will never be friends... we will never be anything again. But every now and again I see his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him now and I see the rage simmering under the surface... he holds a grudge deep in his heart because he thinks I told the girls out of revenge. But I didn't because I have defended him to them... as stupid as that sounds that man still shares blood with my children and that means something... for me I am finished... but they are not... and never can be. They are chained to him as surely as any prisoner and his ball... so we must find the good in that if it is at all possible.
At one point he went to FSJ to pick up supplies for the renovation on the house and when he returned he told me that he had been to see the mediator at the Fairway Divorce office. We had agreed that the rule of waiting one year for a divorce in BC was ludicrous for us... that there was no going back and that Divorce was the only way forward. He told me that he would sign a document saying that he had committed adultery so that our divorce could go through more quickly. I was satisfied with that... but since then he has told me that the law in BC stipulates that adultery is defined as intercourse and he says that he has never had intercourse with either of these women... I don't know what to believe. I certainly don't trust him. All I have proof of is that he has participated in oral sex. I also see that he is unable to look me in the eye and sometimes I wonder if under it all, the man that I married is still there beneath the alien skin he has donned. I'm sure there must be guilt because he is an adulterer... in my eyes and in his own and in God's he is an adulterer. Legal jargon does not change that. I wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror.
I keep remembering that somewhere in the Fairways Divorce Solutions literature packet that I got when I signed my contract, that good people get themselves into bad positions... perhaps that is what happened. I don't know and I tell the girls to look at it that way. But I'll be honest I see them looking at their father and I see shear confusion... should they love him or should they not... they are torn loving him is disloyal to me but they cannot hate him. They are so twisted up inside... they love him but they hate his deeds. Daughter #1 has taken to calling him the "manwhore" behind his back... I don't like it because it indicates that there is much bitterness. In the end the person that he has hurt the most, ironically is himself. He has lost the three best things that ever happened in his life... there were never three women that loved a man as much as the Daughters and I loved him. But he has lost that. All I know is that I hope she/they were worth it.
I have one last thing to say.... this is the end... the end of this story for sure... the end of detailed descriptions (and I am so sorry to have offended anyone, I did try to be as politically correct as possible) of one man's story and his descent into falsehood... but it is also the end of Ye Olde Batt. I will not be returning... the Batt will not be rising again. One of the things that has come out of all this is change. It was forced on me and at first I had difficulty with it... but since the full knowledge of Michael's actions has been found out, I have embraced change... it is my way forward. I am heading to Nfld... I have dyed my hair and lost some weight, I have permed my hair too in an effort to change my appearances. In addition to these outward changes there are some very important inner changes taking place too. I will move forward with great trepidation... my relationships with people will never be quite the same as I will find it very difficult to trust ever again. In addition, I have realized that calling myself Ye Olde Batt was funny when I first thought of it because I was a happily married woman... and it had no meaning but I see now that any kind of a put down towards yourself is still a put down even if it is meant humourously. As a result, the name has to go. I've also discovered how hard it is for people to stop calling you by a name by which you have been known for so long... I am never going to use Frankie again... the whole Frankenstein thing is just wrong. So I have decided that since I am going to be changing all of my documentation to accommodate my maiden name anyway, that I will change my name entirely. I will no longer be Ye Olde Batt, Frankie Nichols, or my maiden name... but some of you will learn more about the whole name changing thing soon. In additon to the whole name change thing, I am going to be a single mom and a primary caretaker to some aging parents. I am also becoming a bayman (which I've never been before, because I grew up a townie)... and I will have to find a way to support myself. I will become one of the mainstream and no longer will the opportunity to farm be part of my life.
At the same time, there are some things that will never change... I am fundamentally a creative person... I can't change that.. nor do I want to. I live, breath, eat, and sleep creativity. The day that I stop creating will be the day that they put me in my box (and it will probably be a wood burned one). I am already thinking about ways I can take out my creative frustrations on my house and property in Nfld! I am also a spinner and weaver through and through... I do not know how that will manifest itself in my new life... but I am hoping that I will be able to use that to my advantage and make a career out of it. I am also a writer.... if nothing else this past few months of writing here since this catastrophe has driven home that knowledge like a jackhammer. Do not despair though... just because I am not coming back here to Ye Olde Batt doesn't mean that I will not be writing... I will be. Just somewhere else. Some of you will receive invitations to my new blog... some of you will not. There is a reason for this... as part of my way forward through these changes, I am leaving behind M and all things to do with him and I do not want the possibility of him finding my online presence again. If you think that you have been left out and would like to be carried over onto the new blog, you can email... yeoldebatt(the "at" symbol)gmail(dot)com. That email address will be running for the next while... but at some point I will shut that down too.... after that you will have to find me with lots and lots and lots of luck.
So you see all things change and some things end while others are just beginning. It is the way of life, my friends. My life with M has come to an end... he has changed and as a result I have changed and my new life alone is just beginning. It has been so good here at Ye Olde Batt and I thank you one and all for letting me into your world...hugs to you all...
Now I must go get on that train...
Finis
No comments:
Post a Comment