Moving On

It's funny how news travels. I am beginning to hear from people who I have not heard from in a very long time... they are wishing me well in my future... they are commiserating with me and saying how sorry they are to hear that I married an asshole. I haven't told them anything so I am assuming that the few that I have told are passing the news on.

Today is the 7th of August and a week of the last month of summer has come and gone. Life, in all its nuances, is moving on in some good ways and in other ways not so good. Two months ago I was reeling and in a state of shock and still hopeful that I could make my husband see reason. Eight weeks later, I am embarking on this new life and looking back only to see that the hounds of hell which have been chasing me so diligently, seem to be backing off a little. Sir Arsewipe comes and goes daily and seems to almost be looking forward to seeing the end of us... certainly he is looking forward to seeing the end of me but it is not so apparent how he feels about the girls going. This past week, he wanted a day with the girls here in this house without me as part of their exchange and so I said fine I would go to my parents for an evening and he could have the evening with them. He did and when I got home at 10 p.m. he left.  It all seemed so civil. I asked the girls how it went.... they said fine but then proceeded to tell me that they had watched a movie and they had played on their iPads but really no interaction had occurred between them and their dad other than the usual. I thought that was sad.  He had had a perfect opportunity to connect with them, but didn't.

We will be leaving here in a little over a month and time for them with their father is limited.  It's not like they will never see their dad again but they will not see him frequently and while summers will be spent with him they are old enough to hold down jobs and I suspect that though they have summers with him they will be working and not seeing him and enjoying him as young girls anymore.  Life with their father will change vastly. I really felt that it was important for them to spend as much quality time with their dad now before we leave. So I was only too happy to leave them with their dad that night though I do have to say that it was inconvenient for me. I went to my parents house and had a nice dinner with them and stayed till 10 p.m. at which time I returned to my house so that I could go to bed. As I said when I walked in there was a definite lack of communication going on between them. I certainly didn't interrupt anything big. The next day the Daughters and I had a heart to heart about all the crap that has been going on and I was trying to feel them out about leaving their dad.  There are going to be sacrifices in our household and things will never be quite like it was. I am trying to get them to see that and make them aware of the fact that life is going to change drastically. Daughter #1 is not happy with the fact that she and her sister are going to have to share a room in Newfoundland. She is going to be giving up her brand new mattress and giving up her double bed, and downsizing to a single bed.  Daughter #2 it so down on herself and worried about being shy.... and she is terribly worried about fitting in. She is not a person who likes to put herself out there and she is dreadfully concerned about how hard it is for her to go among strangers... this is a worry for me because it tells me that Daughter #2 has issues that I am only becoming aware of and Sir Arsewipe doesn't seem to know about or care enough to ask. I realized that it was time to sit down and talk to Sir Arsewipe about these things. We sat on the steps outside and I told him that he needed to spend more quality time with the kids because they are blaming him for the huge losses and changes in their lives.  That if he didn't spend quality time with them and try to get to know them more and actually talk to them about their lives instead of going along in his nice little bubble that they would leave here very bitter and not at all well adjusted.  I told him that if I were camping out in a tent trailer I would invite them to come and spend some time with me and have them camp over and put in a fire and have marshmallows and talk about anything and everything.

He did as I suggested. It turned out alright apparently, which is good. I do not want to fight with him. I do not want to fight with him about anything... but this whole thing where he shows up at will, and he doesn't know when to leave and I have no control over what happens in my house, (because it is my house) is irritating. Yesterday Pops invited me and the girls to go to supper. I asked that he leave when we did. This turned into a huge fight.  I lost of course. I lose all the time. I am the big loser in all of this. I have lost my family, I have lost my husband, I have lost my self respect, and I have lost my faith in a loving and caring partnership... I have now lost control over my comfort level of who is in my home... I have lost everything... And in order to move forward and take some control of my life there needs to be some parametres. Today I go to the Fairway Divorce Solutions office for the seminar that I have to take. It is called the "What Is The Law" seminar. I will find out what my rights are and if needs be I will get something rolling because what it comes down to is that I do not trust him... that disappeared and has been disappearing over the last few weeks slowly but surely. I do not trust him to leave my things alone. He has already broken a teapot that he had given me... he says it was accidental but when he explained the circumstances I feel sure that it was not all that accidental. Besides there are personal things... papers etc that he has access to... things that I do not want him aware of.  There are private emails on the computer that he could readily access... there are diaries that I keep that I do not want him reading.... and I'm not sure he would do that... but I am not sure that he wouldn't either. He doesn't seem to understand that the day he moved out he made this house mine and that I am no longer his wife... he does not have entitlement to be here unless he has been invited. He is, to me, like a hired carpenter except that I don't pay him because we do not have our money situation worked out yet. I should by rights have a separation agreement in place. And that is what I intend to do today when I get to the Fairways Divorce office. I will talk to the mediator and I will get her to start us off negotiating that process.

I am trying to be as fair as is possible in an impossible situation. But what it comes down to is the fact that I have moved on and wrapped my head around the fact that I have no say over what he does... he can go and dip his wick nightly... I can't control that (nor do I want to anymore). I can't tell him what he can and cannot do. I have made suggestions to him about his relationship with the girls only because they talk to me and don't talk to their dad. I get that we are now separate..... I get that... it's pretty resounding how I get that. But he does not. He still thinks that because he is paying for stuff that he has a right to treat me the way he always has. He doesn't have that right anymore... that's why he tried to lean on me when the people were here the other day... he is in for a shock... I realize that he knows we are leaving but I don't think it has really hit home... because of the bubble he has surrounded himself in. Right now he has access to the girls and me whenever he wants but that is coming to a very quick ending and once I leave here he can go f--- himself (sorry for the nasty expletive) when it comes to him telling me how I should run my life or interfering or being privy to anything to do with me. If I want to take a trip to Spain he has no right to be involved in that decision at all... and he doesn't get that. Not that that's going to happen! But you get my meaning.  If I want to go back to school he doesn't have to know about that choice at all... if I want to have sex with the man down the road (yeah I wish!) he has no control over that either(that's just an example by the way... I'm not going to be jumping in and out of bed with every one I see!). It is my life and he is not a part of it anymore.  Moving to Nfld will make that break easier and cleaner and it can't happen fast enough now. But if I were staying here I can guarantee you that I would be trying to move on with my life and he would still be trying to interfere.... he just doesn't get it. He has moved on with his life but he doesn't think that I should.

Sir Arsewipe is a most fitting name for him.... really!

Well I'm sorry that this has become such a rant... I really hadn't planned on talking about this at all... I was going to talk about the call of the ocean... and how I was so looking forward to moving home... but other things happened and this is the crap that shot out of my brain instead.

I'm not sure when he plans on showing up today... I am working in the sunroom going through all of our personal files. Income tax etc.... and I am beginning to pile all of my stuff in there so that when the movers come it will all be sorted and ready to move. We have formally accepted the offer on our house and the paperwork is in place. I have made a verbal offer on the house in Nfld. The other party is discussing it... I expect to get a decent deal.... and hear today if it will go ahead. Then I will have paperwork of my own to take care of. Our closing date is August 31st.  My closing date is September 4th. The earliest I can leave here would be the 10th of September.... and I might not be able to get that date either, unless I book in the next few days.  In all, there seems to be an inevitability about it now. I will move forward.... one step at a time... one day at a time....and I'll be darned if I'll let him interfere with that.