Somewhere, I Am Meant To Be...

I've realized lately that I have spent the last twenty years closing off and bricking up a part of me that I didn't realize was so important. The Daughters asked me the other day what element I thought I belonged to. Air, Earth, Water or Fire. I know that I have always had a firey temper and my parents have always chastised me for that... but it has been quick to flare and quick to fade.  More and more as I get older I realize that there is no point in having a temper because all it does is hurt me in the end.  I remember when we had our first cat while still living in Ontario... one day I was heading out the door to go to town and Sir Arsewipe was waiting for me in the car. I went to get the cat to put him out so that we wouldn't find any deposits when we got home and the bugger ran off down the hall to hide under a bed... which was a normal behavior for him when he didn't want to go out. I stomped down the hall in a fit of rage and as I did so he turned tail and ran between my feet.  I whirled around headed after him so I could catch him before he hid somewhere else and wiped out landing resoundingly on the floor. On my way down I struck my elbow and scraped up my back on a bookshelf that was in the hallway and ever since then I have had a slipped disk... I'm not sure if the slipped disk can be attributed directly to that incident but it certainly didn't help... so definitely it would be easy to think of fire as my element.

Since the other day when the girls asked me what was my element, I have been thinking about it and I have realized that it is not fire. Even with my firey temper, I think more than anything water is my element. That doesn't mean that I can't have a tempestuous temper... let's remember that the ocean can rear it's ugly head and be hungry in it's fierceness too.  But when it is calm there is something that is so attractive and alluring. Am I attractive and alluring... I don't know, maybe at one time I was. But I do know that I am deep. There are depths of me that no one will ever touch just as there are depths in the ocean that no one will ever know.

For twenty years I have lived away from the ocean and I can safely say that I miss it like nothing I have ever missed before. I even miss the fog. There is something silent and still in me when I am around the ocean and there is something that touches my deepest self when I watch the waves rolling in on shore.  Fire scares me but the ocean... never.

I have been lucky enough years ago to have been able to spend time with friends on a cabin cruiser numerous times, and if I could choose my life it would be running a boat into the wind, standing on the bow with the spray whipping up over my face every time she digs in under a swell. I have been lucky enough to stand on the deck of a trawler with the whales playing beneath as they rolled onto their sides to stare at me leaning over the edge. I have been lucky enough to drift through a mile long and who knows how deep school of jelly fish and watch them drifting with the current in a ballet of grace and beauty.  I have been lucky enough to watch plankton glow in the dark of night just beneath the surface of the sea.... and heard them too... they do make a sound not unlike the sound of the Aurora. It is a faint tinkling sound. I have been lucky enough to watch porpoises frolicking in the wake of our boat as we cruised along on a sunny evening as the sun was setting. And all the time I was experiencing these things I never thought to look up and watch the birds... kittywakes and gulls that would ride the air currents... but that was not my element... No, it was the ocean below that caught my attention... the living, breathing, heaving ocean. I am so looking forward to feeling it close again and feeling the tides of my blood syncing with the ocean's ebb and flow.

You see... I realize that it is somewhere that I am meant to be.....

Poetry Again

Check it out... another finished.... here

All The World Is A Palette

It is funny how when you are busy things seem to pass by and you hardly notice it. I woke up quite early this morning which is really nothing new... but I could hear the drops of water falling from the tin roof above the second story and falling to the tin roof of the first story. With each ping I though about how summer is passing by in such a whirl of busy-ness. It wasn't daylight yet so I lounged in bed quietly enjoying the peace of the early morning. After a short while, I could hear chickadees outside my window and then I began to hear the squeal of jays.  Wasn't it only a week or so ago that I blogged about the turn of summer?  I could hear it again this morning. Eventually I rolled over and disturbed Narmie enough that I decided I had better get up before he decided to give me the boot altogether.  It was as I got out of bed and looked out the window that I realized just how far summer has progressed. And I was surprised. At this point in time I would have to say that 30% of the trees that I can see from my window are already fully yellow. I couldn't believe it... and already the grass and undergrowth is turning yellow and red. Today I will take a walk down through the forest glade that borders our property. It may well be the last time that I get that chance.

I realize that autumn comes much earlier here than it does back east. So this year we will get to experience two autumns. I look forward to the reds that I have not seen for so many years that come in the maples that we do not have growing here. But then I will miss the magnificent Cantaloupe melon colour of the poplars here. Yesterday I finished cleaning and sorting the stuff in my bedroom and I came across a painting only partially finished that was meant to evoke autumnal splendour. I may take the time today to try and finish it. We will see. I have been thinking about the house thatI am hoping to purchase in NL. I have been thinking that for many years I have lived in this log home with the colours of wood all around me, and with the only relief from the colour of the wood were the blacks of leather chairs... not particularly colourful and the throw cushions and green I painted our bedroom last year. I am ready for some colour. My house will be my new palette. When going through the stacks of decorating magazines and I mean stacks I came across a few newer ones that I had kept aside last year for ideas with this house. I decided instead of taking them to the recycling I would enjoy them one I got home and so I have put them with my other spinning and weaving magazines to be shipped across Canada. At first I caught myself feeling guilty because it has become so ingrained into me that I should not think about changing things in the house for fear of upsetting Sir Arsewipe... but then it hit me.... I don't ever have to worry about him ever again. I can do whatever I bloody well want. Including getting a doggie for Daughter #2 who has been missing her little Tootsie for two years and has been trying to replace him with Jiggs whose loyalties go nowhere and with Bailey who is such a psycho freak that she likes Sir Arsewipe best of all... not that really says something doesn't it. Daughter #2 has never really found a friendly dog that she loves well and truly since Tootsie... So maybe when I get to Nfld there might just be another dog in our lives and Pops will just have to put up with it since it is my house!

Meanwhile, Sir Arsewipe is still here daily. I watch him working on the house and yesterday he was trying to get the exterior siding done and finished. He ran out of wood. I several times heard him cursing and swearing in a fit of temper. He hates that he has to finish these renovations...I know that because his Facebook post this morning was something about everyday being like a Monday. I know because even though we have "unfriended" each other I see his stuff when one of my friends comments on his posts...mind you it might be like Monday everyday because he has to face me and can't go flicking off with his girlfriend whenever he wants.  The renovations must be finished though and I thank God every day that three years ago we decided to do this because we would never have sold the house the way it was, at least not as quickly. Now it is a house... before it was just a cabin.

The air is cooler in the night now and I do not have to turn on the fan to make it bearable in my room. I still sleep with just one light blanket over me and Narmie jumps up on the bed to sleep with me along around 3 a.m. Jiggs sleeps under my bed. They quietly wait for me to rise in the mornings so they may go downstairs and out into the world for their morning check up. I do believe that they miss the alpacas. I see Jiggs over around the paddocks as though she is waiting for something... they have begun to spend more time with the horse. This is not necessarily a good thing since they like to spend time rolling around in the poop.  We thought we had a buyer for the horse and she was supposed to come and see the horse on Saturday but she never showed up... but the people who are buying our house are also interested in buying the horse so hopefully something will work out.  Yesterday I asked Sir Arsewipe what he was going to do with Little Monster and he said, "SPCA". I then asked what he was doing with Midnite.... he said I don't know because the lady who he will be house sitting for does not want animals... and he said it was hard enough with Bailey.  If it were me I would send Bailey back to the SPCA and take Midnite... poor old cat. I haven't told Daughter #1 yet since she would be horrified to know that Midnite will be put down. Collateral damage from divorce is dreadful. Midnite has been with us for 13 years and to have him put to sleep because... well we won't go down that road. Maybe there will be a better solution.

I am amazed at how cool Sir Arsewipe is... he seems to have no feelings at all. He doesn't seem to care about anything... and while I understand that more and more I am realizing just how little I knew him... I really never thought of him, even at his worst, as uncaring. I really can't wrap my head around it. Really.... it's something that I can't figure out at all. Ok so he fell out of love with me and fell in love with someone else... that happens... it's shitty, but it happens. It's this whole other side of him that is carefully shielded and hidden, that's what I can't figure out, especially how could I have not seen it.

Anyway the weeks are unfolding and I look forward to the end of the summer not because I am looking forward to fall but because I am anxious to get everything done for our divorce and get ourselves away from this heart breaking situation. This week I have to get our financial stuff ready for Wednesday for round one of our divorse negotiations. I have to go and get my formal offer on the house in Nfld signed and witnessed so that I can send it back to the real estate agent in Nfld. At some point in time this week the movers are coming to give us a price on moving our stuff. And then the inspection on this house will be done later in the week. Many things to keep me busy.

With all of the things going on that are going on it is hard to find time with the girls.  Last night I got time with Daughter #1 but Daughter #2 was upstairs on her bed reading, and dreaming up fantasy worlds. She had her friend over the night before for a sleepover and a discussion arose about hair. Daughter #2's friend said she liked my hair. I have been blond for the summer and it has been fun but I am beginning to think that the upkeep on keeping myself blond is not really worth the effort, so I will be going back to brunette before I leave here. I may decide to keep a blond steak or two though. We will see. Because Daughter #2's friend has a mother who in another life was a hair dresser, we decided that we would have a day to dye our hair later this week. I have to pick up the bleaching stuff in FSJ when I go in  and I guess I will get the brunette dye then too.  It will be like having a dye fest. Daughter #1 will get her blue streak and Daughter #2 has decided that a pink one would be cool, meanwhile I will do some brunette dyeing but like I said, to stay with the theme of "streaks" that the girls have decided on, I will keep the lighter streaks in my hair.  These are the fun things that we try to fill our lives with. I wonder if it feels like this when your spouse dies... because somehow that is really what it feels like. Only there's bitterness and hurt wrapped in it too. Some mornings I get up and I hate his guts... some mornings I get up and I wish I were well away from here... but some mornings I wake and put my hand out and realize that I am alone. It hurts all over again when that happens. And I am sure the girls are feeling his loss too.... and anger that he has turned their lives so up-side-down. And so we dye and play as much as we can.

All the world is a palette... and life is what you make of it.... right?!

Bread... The Root Of All Evil...(or maybe it's really is just Sir Arsewipe)

For the last number of years I have noticed that my health has been going downhill. At first I wasn't quite sure what was going on and I took to my bed many days for hours on end to try to get enough rest to help me. But as time progressed I realized that there was more going on than just normal aging... so I started trying different things that might help me get better. Mostly it was home remedies because the doctors checked me for everything under the sun and couldn't figure it out either. The main symptom was fatigue. I was tremendously tired all the time. I did go through a couple of years when I would have dreadful ear and balance issues but that seems to have sorted itself. Last year when I went to Olds I had the fear of God in me because I couldn't walk to the Land Sciences building without having to stop and sit and take a break on the way there it was a  mere 3/4 of a kilometre. My weight had been increasing over the last few years and I didn't seem to be able to get that under control either. After I got back from Olds last year I knew I had to get really serious about finding out what was going on with me. I went to the Doctor because I knew there was a family history of blood pressure and heart problems. It was while I was in the office seeing the doctor that he mentioned to me that my last lot of blood tests had revealed that I was anemic. No wonder I was so tired all the time! No body had thought to inform me since I was only borderline anemic and he wasn't concerned because with an iron supplement I would be as right as rain in no time at all. Wrong! I started to take the iron supplement and I did notice a difference but I was still tired all the time and I was starting to notice other symptoms that would leave me feeling wasted all the time... I won't go into them because they are a little too gruesome and personal to mention.

All the time this was happening I was so tired that I never noticed that Sir Arsewipe was beginning his emotional departure from me.

I carried on through the winter having blood test after blood test and then they started to send me for more serious tests... everything in my body seemed to be shutting down on me. Let me tell you I was scared.

The week that Sir Arsewipe was in Comox for the PHASE training (he was there with his girlfriend) in January, I had one of the worst weeks I have ever put in in my life. I had severe pain in my lower left side and some pain in my lower right side and I was starting to think that I might have cancer.  Fear reigned supreme. Nightly, I would want to talk to my husband but the cell service was not all that great. In hind sight, I have to wonder just how true that was or if he was blowing me off for his girlfriend, (staring at her while she lay on her bed.. apparently he has pictures). I really needed my soul mate to talk to, but I wasn't getting much support.

Finally he was home and I went for the ultrasound they also sent me for a soft tissue cat scan. Both tests went well and nothing came back from them which confirmed that there was likely no cancer. That alone was a real relief.

Along about that time I had one of the ladies from the spinners and weavers guild come for lunch and she told me that my symptoms were very similar to hers... You see she has Celiacs Disease. Celiac's Disease is when your body cannot deal with the gluten that is found in wheat. I thought it was so strange that her symptoms and mine were so close. I went to my doctor once again and talked to him about the possibility of having Celiacs disease. He once again sent me for blood tests. Meanwhile I was having a hard time dealing with food...  some days were good and some days were not so much. By  this time we were well into spring and I was working very hard on the level 5 homework trying to spin some days 12 hours while all I wanted to do was put my head down and sleep. My body was telling me that I was very sick but I didn't know what I was sick with. I waited for the results to come back from the tests and since the tests had to go to Vancouver I knew that it would take a while. I decided to try living without bread in my life and cutting out wheat as much as possible. Also through the winter I had been noticing that I had been having yeast outbreaks in the weirdest of places like in the fold of my elbow and behind my knees. Very strange. I started making breakfast for Sir Arsewipe and the girls and then getting a different breakfast for me after they were gone to school, one that did not involve wheat. I started making hash browns each morning instead of eating toast. I would eat rice and rice crackers instead of having a sandwich and I began to eat more salads and I also decided to cut out eating cheese as much as I could. I was still taking iron but I was so tired that I felt that maybe I should be taking more iron. I upped my dose of iron just slightly and it was after I did all those things that I began to notice a difference.

The doctor finally called with the results of my tests and said that there was no Celiacs disease...

We had no idea what was going on and we still don't but taking wheat out of my diet has had amazing effects on me. My friend has told me that there is a lot of Celiacs disease in her family and she has never been diagnosed with it either because in order to get a positive diagnoses you have to eat wheat and it makes her very sick. She has decided to learn as much about the disease and self regulate her diet accordingly. The other day I had wheat again for the first time in a long time... I had a begel burger the other night and then because I hadn't made a pizza for months I thought the next night I would make pizza. Not good. Yesterday I felt so bad... worse than I have felt in a long time. The wheat in the begel and the wheat in the crust of the pizza did it worst and in the morning I wanted to curl up in a ball and not move... once again I was having pain in my right side and severe pain in my left side. So as far as I'm concerned wheat is very much a culprit to my ill health. In addition to that the three months where I was virtually wheat free I noticed that I didn't have one yeast outbreak anywhere on my body.... that says it all as far as I'm concerned. I might not be clinically diagnosed as having Celiacs disease but I obviously have a serious sensitivity to wheat and gluten.

Through it all I was so tired. This summer I have noticed a marked difference in the fatigue as well. I have had more energy than at any time for the last year at least. Even at Olds I felt better... I would walk to class each morning and not worry a fig about having to stop to rest or catch my breath.

One of the sad things about all of this is the fact that Sir Arsewipe has had no patience for any of my ills. He has made no bones about the fact that it didn't matter to him that I felt gross. I have tried talking to him about the fact that I was ill and that was part of the reason that I had not lived up to his expectations. He does not understand and probably never will since he has never had tolerance for illness at all. It had only been the last few months that I have looked back over our twenty years of marriage and realized that. I remember years ago having a conversation about suicide and he told me that suicidal people were weak... I always was horrified by him saying that because suicides are not caused by weakness but by illness. I also remember that he said that if ever he became a paraplegic he would rather not be alive... I could never understand that because many paraplegics have very fulfilling and outstanding lives. He also told me that he never wanted to be blind... I realize now that this is a serious flaw in his personality and shows a marked lack of consideration for those less fortunate than he. Sometimes I wonder why he married me since I am missing the thumb on my right hand and I have a steel rod and 15 spinal fusions in my back.  I know that he has had serious issues with his back problems and hates the fact that he has this weakness. I think he thinks he should be perfection itself... (snork, double snork, and some more serious snorking).

Over the winter you perhaps will remember that Dad was so ill right after Christmas. Each night during his illness I would go to their house and make sure that dad was as comfortable as I could make him and Sir Arsewipe would come with me because some nights dad would need help being lifted and aided to the bathroom.  It was only after we split up that I discovered that Sir Arsewipe had had no tolerance for his own father-in-law and the whole illness. The whole time he was helping he was putting on one face to us and saying other things to his chit... He said, "I've been helping to care for my wife's parents." She says... "why what's up with them?" He says, "She's in early Altzeimers and he is with more ailments than you can shake a drug store at." She says, "o wow lucky you." and he says, "At least he's not bed ridden anymore."  More and more I have realized that Sir Arsewipe's empathy is superficial at best.  He is only concerned about others weaknesses in so far that it does not inconvenience him.  I realize too that the reason that he fell out of love for me was because he has never really known what it is to feel real love... real love is sticking with someone through thick and thin... in sickness and in health... these words from our marriage vows come back to haunt me.

He really is the worst kind of despicable. Sad really... I thought he was such a good person and more and more I've found out just how not good he actually is.

He had no tolerance for my ill health, it was just one more nail in the coffin. Eventually, I discovered what was wrong with me but by then he had moved on.... the sad thing is that life is like that... you always have to deal with that type of thing and probably the same will happen in any relationship he has....

I am feeling better today mostly because I have not had wheat for two days.... I am resting until this heals once again and let me tell you there will be no more "Oh a little bit won't hurt me" instead I will be avoiding it altogether... taking my iron and to hell with Sir Arsewipe... he's not worth my time and effort... I just hope for his sake he never gets sick.... or maybe I do hope he gets sick and finds the same kind of empathy that he has given me and mine...

Alone

I have been reading some of the blogs that I follow this morning... more and more I am finding that I am getting back into my old routine. For most of the summer since Sir Arsewipe left I wasn't able to concentrate on anything and I wasn't able to focus or move on because I was so consumed with the big "D" and knowing that his Arseholeness had dumped me so unceremoniously. But our move back home to Nfld. Is slowly turning my mind to other things and more and more I am feeling like my old self... my sense of humour has not yet returned and I miss that so if you see my sense of humour give it a kick in the arse and tell it I need it back. Because I am able to be more myself, I am able to take pleasure in the things that I always used to again... at least sometimes. I still cannot sit through wedding scenes in movies and even love scene somehow disturb me. I have to get up and leave, usually going to the kitchen to cook or clean or do something physical.

One of the blogs that I was reading this morning was talking about travel as a way of broadening your connection with those of other cultures. She talked about a connectedness between people based on similar experiences, relating a story about how she used the wrong kind of plug in her hair dryer while traveling in Europe and in so doing, inadvertently shorted out the electricity in the inn in which she was staying. When the inn keeper came running up the stairs to see what had happened they both looked at each other and said at the same time, "kaput", meaning that the power had gone out due to her mistake. The fact that Kaput meant the same thing in both of their languages gave them an understanding that might not otherwise have been there.

Essentially we go through our lives alone. This has been a consuming knowledge for me in the last few years that no matter how connected you feel to someone else there are always parts of their mind and soul that you can never reach... or at least if you reach them you never know if you have. It has been resoundingly driven home to me in the last little while how true this is since I had no idea how far removed from me Sir Arsewipe had become. You are born alone and you die alone, because these are things that people cannot do with you. Each and every one of comes into this world alone.... we go through this world seeking to make connections as best we can... always drawn to others if we are right in the head because the essence of us is seeking to be connected to another.

I watched the movie "Alone In The Wilderness" which chronicles the life of Dick Proenneke who spent the last 35 years of his life in the wilderness of Alaska alone because he wanted to see if he could manage it. His story has intrigued me like no other. I wondered if it was possible for a woman to survive on her own as he did.

Women have it drilled into their heads from the time that they are very young that they must rely on a man to be successful and able. I see that as very unfortunate since it has been my experience that women are quite capable of doing for themselves without men... yes sometimes it takes creative thinking to do some of the things that men would normally do, but when has that ever stopped a woman?  At one point Sir Arsewipe said that he felt that I was with him not because I loved him but because of what he could do for me. Needless to say I was horrified that he felt that way. I wondered how I could have portrayed such a wrong image of how I felt. But it is the alone-ness that I was talking about earlier... the unconnected-ness that we always feel that I think is at the base of such feelings. We are never able to see into the hearts of others and it is so important to portray the feelings that you have correctly. I thought about what Sir Arsewipe said and I felt so bad that he had thought so little of me that he could think such a thing... but then he has been thinking these thoughts about me far longer than I realized and he has come to terms with what he thought was reality long before I ever came to that point. One thing is for sure, Sir Arsewipe and I are wholly unconnected now.

The alone-ness of my future is what scares me more than anything... I feel like Dick Proenneke entering the challenge of a wilderness complete with no relief in sight.  When I speak of alone-ness I know that there are so many people who are willing to help me but there is a difference between the fellowship of friends and the fellowship of soul mates and therein lies the problem. I do not have a person that I can say I can completely rely on. There are more things than physical things which I will face as I go forward into this new future. There are all the things that life dishes out to you as you move through this world. There are losses of family members and illness and empty nest syndrome which you look to your spouse to be your rock.  When you divorce the person who is moving on finds that with the person that they are moving on with... the person who gets dumped is left bereft of that kind of support.

So I move into this new future with aging parents and children who are on the brink of their own lives and I realize that the loyalty which should be mine is not there and I am truly alone in this world. Those of us who find ourselves single are taken for granted... we are expected to just do it... and we do do it... but it is a harsh reality to not have the support that so many take for granted.

I will go into this future alone and as I was when I was born and as I will be when I die, I will survive on my own... alone.

If you take anything with you from my story take this... make all the connections you can in this life because even though we are ultimately alone... it is good to be connected to as many others as you can be in what ever way you can be. Kaput!

Poetry

Some days there is no point in trying to do anything creative because it will turn into a crap heap.  I got up this morning and stared at this screen for a long time... then I surfed the internet. I find it really hard to spin or knit or weave... too constructed. So I didn't think that any creativity would be successful today. But it is weird how things come on you...

Recently, I have not wanted to spin or weave or knit because it feels too constructive and not free flowing enough.  Poetry which is always a good outlet is generally a formed thing and too constructive. Instead I have wanted to apply paint to canvas... the feel of the paint sliding over the canvas fulfills the creative need in me I am working on a new painting.... the first time in a long time that I have laid down paint in any way. I started the other day with a coat of underlay to cover the paint on the painting that I had created a while back... one with which I have not been happy. But it is not finished as is normal... it takes time to work through a painting. today I thought about that painting that I started the other day and thought that might be my successful outlet for creativity today. Wrong!

Meantime I have wanted creativity in my life again and for the last while I have felt dry... shriveled up inside where it counts... So I am feeding that side of me again and it is working.... sometimes it doesn't feel like it is working well but at least it's working a little... and so I wrote a poem... it is not one of my better ones but it will do.


You can check it out.... here

Easy Come, Easy Go, Walk On

Love this pic and I had forgotten how easy it is to get Lupins to grow in Nfld... there is a fence that looks like it needs some help on the property that I hope to buy... so maybe I will have the fence pulled out and plant a whole hedge of Lupins....that would be lovely.

I have been surfing a little this morning trying to find a little inspiration for this morning's post. We are down to the wire now trying to get things finished on the last vestiges of the renovation in time to meet the requirements of our agreement with our buyers. Daily, Sir Arsewipe is trying to get things finished as I pack and sort and go through things. I am starting today on the shed and all things fleecy. There will be a fair bit I suspect that will be chucked and then there will be some that I sell and then I will probably send a lot to Nfld for the time when I am able to get it processed and then I will spin it in the future I guess. So I don't have lots of time to get creative here but I do like to post still each day if I can. I saw this picture this morning and thought how nice the Lupins are and then I remembered how easy it is to get Lupins to grow in Nfld... I just have to try to have a hedge of Lupins around my house if I can... I can just imagine the bumble bees I would attract and how good it would be for polination... something that needs all the help it can get these days.


Things seem to be coming together in the last few days nicely but a lot stems on the fact that Sir Arsewipe is down to the hour when the renos need to be finished and there is still far more to be done than I like to admit to.  But we'll get it done supposing that I have to step in and help... that is one of the jobs I am contemplating today. Then, as in all things that we have done in our marriage (except for the adultery), we will work on the sorting and packing, together (yuck)... Getting it done will happen come hell or high water.

The other day I had to go to FSJ for the Fairways Divorce Solutions next installment in our path through the big "D" which was the "What Is The Law Seminar"  we were late finishing up and Daughter #1 and I went to my friend's house for dinner (which was lovey by the way)! We never left her house till 9 p.m. and headed home with thunder all around threatening.... as I got to the turn off for the HH road the lightning was horendous but I could see that the direction in which I was going looked to be clearer. I drove along enjoying the spectacular bolts of lightning streaking across the sky. There is a point at which you enter the Peace Valley and it is called the Bear Flats hill where there are cut backs and one of the most twisting roads down the side of a hill that I have ever seen. It is about 6 kilometres from top to bottom. When you get to the top of the hill there is a beautiful panoramic view of the valley with the rocky mountains in the distance and it has never failed to inspire and provoke feelings of amazement. This time it did not fail in that department for sure.  I stopped at the top of the hill and looked out over the valley and the sun was setting ahead of us. The sky was painted with gold at the horizon and pinks above and the purples above that. The gold of the last bits of sunlight was suffusing the valley and gave it a halo that turned the hay and canola fields to pinkish golden hue. Directly behind me were the black and purple storm clouds with sharp silver bolts of lightning streaking across the sky every so often. Directly over my head was the most spectacular and defined rainbow that I have ever seen. I couldn't believe how God could paint the sky with so many different colours at one time. It was as if he was giving me a good bye gift. There was the river snaking off to the mountains in the west and all this beautiful colour above my head. It entered my soul and I had to thank God for giving me such a beautiful opportunity to see this valley one last time in all its glory. And it was glorious. I did manage to snap a couple of pics but I am afraid that they just did not do it justice...

As I was surfing the web this morning, I thought about that moment when I was looking at the valley below me and I thought about the Site C dam and I thought that perhaps I might never see this valley again... I certainly would never see it as it is now.  I am pretty sure that next time, (if there is one), when I come to visit there will be a lake instead of a river.  I also came across a blog that was written by an expat Nflder that caught my interest because the woman who writes it uses as her mantra the title of the post I am writing today. I am not sure that "it" is easy come and easy go... I am thinking that it is more hard come and hard go... but the walk on part is right.... sometimes you have no other choice. So, "walk on one step at a time, one day at a time" is a better mantra for me. I just wish I could add to it a more positive spin... maybe chin up should be part of it too.

Life is normalizing. I do still have moments when I think about the love I had for that man... the love I gave him freely and the devotion I felt to our lives together and I feel very sad... and I cry. I also feel anger that he could throw it all away so easily and cast me out onto this stormy sea that I am drifting in with no anchor. I look at him and I see him standing on a safe shore while I know not where the tides and currents will take me, and I feel so resentful that he could do something so bad and suffer so little. He will come out of this just fine with his new love and his job and life intact... and so will I hopefully... but it seems as though all the outcomes lean in his favor. It is not fair, but then life is not fair... or just... it just is. It is a bitter pill to swallow... but swallow it I must.

I will end here... and think no more of this pill that sticks in my craw. Instead I will focus on that beautiful sky of the other night and the future to come and I will, as always, hope for the best... Perhaps my boat will drift to a calmer and better shore...