Some More Of My Story

The first meeting I ever had with the Fairways Divorce Mediator was a blitz. I got dressed a week after the whole thing blew up in my face and got in the truck with Michael and the girls and drove to FSJ absolutely quaking in disbelief. I couldn't believe that I was actually entertaining the idea of a divorce.  We were met at the door by a chatty lady who took us to her offices and had us fill out a questionnaire. I sat opposite my husband of twenty years and tried to wrap my head around what was happening. It was starting to get around our community that Michael and I were getting a divorce and I felt like I could hardly walk around and look anyone in the eye. I felt so ashamed. I was once again a failure at something. I remember the mediator talking about the victim relationship and realized that she was talking about me as though I had perpetuated this in some way or form. It rolled over me as just one more mini shock wave. Me... victim....me ... at fault? What was she talking about.

What I have come to realize is like most psychological evaluations bestowing the title of victim is not always correct and in some cases is just outright wrong... so wrong. Victims are people who allow themselves to be in that position.  I hadn't allowed myself to be where I was. I had gotten there through no fault of my own. Yes, they say that the part of victim is also a denial that you had any part in the problem. But how can I have allowed myself to be where I was when I didn't even know it was happening. All I had done was give him freedom to have interests that were different from mine... isn't that a part of a normal and healthy relationship. You can't hold everyone so closely that they come to resent you... in the end that is equally bad. As mine and Michael's relationship deteriorated over the winter I would ask him if there was something wrong and he would always say no...  I would ask him occasionally if he still loved me after all these years but asking him is something I had always done and he had always said yes.  So it was as I sat in the Fairways Divorce Solutions office that I wondered why she kept telling me about readings which were meant to help with the victim mentality... it just added insult to injury... I wasn't a victim... I was me! I was trying to cope with something beyond my control in the only way I knew.

I have come to resent the whole idea of the victim mentality... I have come to think of myself as anything other than a victim... the only thing I was a victim of was Michael's deception and dishonesty.... but you cannot make a person tell you the truth... when you ask and they answer, you can only take what they say at face value as truth. Did he love me... no, but he told me he did and his actions, though not as forthcoming as was probably normal were still acceptable.  He still held me and gave me back rubs and kissed me in the mornings as he went out the door. He still acted like he cared about me so how was I to know. We even still held hands after we had turned out the light at night. His actions were still the actions of a lover and a friend. Sometimes his snappiness was disconcerting but I put it down to too much stress at work... after all, the teachers were on strike all year, there was a new principal at the school, and he is the Union rep for the school. As for his friendship with Samantha... I hate being the jealous wife and occasionally I have worn that hat when I have noticed friendships developing that made me uncomfortable... I was determined not to do that and let him have friends just as he did me. I mean she worked with him so they had to associate.

To this day I maintain that I do not have a victim mentality.

My story continued:

Two days after this all happened I was having trouble keeping food down and I was not sleeping for anymore than an hour or two. I was trying to talk to Mike and hoping he could explain how I had lost his love without me noticing. I was worried about the girls because it was starting to hit home for them too. I was already talking about moving back to Nfld. I knew that this town wasn't big enough for me and the "other woman".  I knew that if I saw her I would likely punch the living daylights out of her or worse. I still loved Michael and didn't blame him (which I look back on now as being so stupid). I felt that Samantha had torn her own marriage up and then turned around and played on Michael's heart strings evoking feelings of sympathy and eventually turning him to her. I didn't believe he really loved her, he couldn't... he had promised me that he would love me for all eternity. I knew deep down that the person I fell in love with was still there. He was that kind and generous person in whom I had always depended and trusted. If I was a victim at all it was in that... I allowed myself to put him so high on a pedestal that no one could ever live up to it.  Still he had proven to me over the years how he had always lived up to it....

How little I knew.

The move to Nfld was becoming more and more realistic. I had been online with Daughter #2 who had been with me as soon as she knew her father had cheated on me... she wanted out of this community and being with her Dad did nothing to make her feel like she could trust anyone.  She didn't like what her Dad had done to us, she didn't trust him, and she had lost her respect for him. She had always felt uncomfortable with his relationship with Samantha and had had suspicions for a much longer time than any of us. Meanwhile Daughter #1 was reacting in her own way. Panic for sure was on the top of the list. She wanted to run away, she wanted to go to Oma's and Opa's and stay there, she wanted to change her name, change her hair, get a tattoo, at least change anything. But she didn't know if she wanted to leave Hudson's Hope, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with me or stay with her dad. We backed off her completely and let her have space. Lots and lots of space. But lots and lots of love and hugs and worry too. We told her she could choose to live where ever she wanted.... but I was worried, I'll be honest. I was worried at her stability, I was worried that she would want to stay with her dad and how would I ever leave her behind.

I worried and this added to the weight loss and the throwing up. One evening we were surfing the internet looking at Nfld real estate... we were talking about one house in New-Wes-Valley and he was in the background looking at the houses that we were looking at for possible candidates.  I turned and looked at him and saw sadness there on his face. And I said to him, "You know you should be coming with us. You are so important to this family and you should be coming on this new great adventure." He visibly crumpled. So I said that maybe with help we could work things out if he wanted and we could all go together as our family should. He stared at me very hard and he all he said was, "I have to think"... and he walked out the door.  He was only gone for five minutes when he came through the door visibly agitated. He said you and I need to talk. I said ok barely able to hold my breath... was he contemplating a reconciliation?!

We went outside to the truck and sat there for the next hour discussing why he had turned away from me. It was quite a humbling experience. He laid out why he had fallen out of love with me, telling me that I had become a recluse and that I was not considerate of his needs. He began to talk of all of his resentments and I began to realize that this had been building for a very long time and that he had not been honest or truthful for a very long time... some of his resentments went back eight or nine years. This is the part that I am ashamed of... because I apologized for  all the wrongs I had done him... but I continued to push for a reconciliation saying that I was willing to seek counseling to better myself if he was willing to seek counseling with me. I said that we could fall in love all over again and make a better marriage than the one that we had been living.... I practically begged.  He said he needed to think and that scared me because I had no idea how long he needed to think so I asked him how long he would leave us hanging and he said not long.

That night he went to the trailer and I went to my room... he to think and me to reflect on everything that he had said to me.... all the hurts that he had bestowed on me.  I took a hard look at myself that night and decided that in some things he was probably right but in some things he definitely was not. I could see how he had thought of me as a recluse (though I am not) but I understood that in the last few years my Master Spinning program had drawn me away from the people with whom we had always associated. I also saw that more and more I hated going to town on the winter roads and that I had allowed him to go alone many times to get groceries and do other things as needed when maybe I should have gone with him. I had allowed him to take the brunt of caring for our animals instead of sharing in the task. I had pushed him to do household renovations when he hated it, instead I should have hired someone or not done them at all. But mostly I recognized that he is a man who is satisfied with the same old same old and I am always seeking the new and different and that reflected in my household management. I was buying and selling furniture so that we could have new things, I was constantly moving the furniture around. I was building new decks when he wanted to spend money on vacations. I fully own up to those bad decisions but I was willing to make an effort to do better if it meant saving our marriage and our family. I ate it all hook line and sinker. But then he was at fault too. He never talked to me... and told me how he felt... he said he tried but I would always turn it back on him. He said that I liked to have my own way... that was harsh. He said I was not a caring wife and demanded all of his time... I don't know how you can be both at the same time.  So many harsh things were said... some true and some not so much.

The next morning he came into the house and headed straight for the bathroom. I was in the kitchen and heard him come in and I wondered what he was thinking. I sat in the sunroom awaiting him to come out. The girls came downstairs and when he finally came out of the bathroom he asked me to come upstairs so we could talk.

I sat on my bed awaiting the outcome of all our lives. He started by saying that he had promised himself that he wouldn't come into the house until he had made a decision. That he had been thinking all night long. That he had talked to Samantha and that she felt he should give our family a chance, (my heart sunk at that... because I thought he should make his own independent decision). Next he said that he had changed his mind five times between the trailer and the house, (my heart sunk a little further). Then he turned and looked me full in the face because up till then he had been looking at the floor. He said, " you need to know that if I stay with you I will be staying with you out of obligation. I realize we have two children that need both a mother and a father and I don't feel right about leaving you at this point in your life with two aging parents with terrible health issues when you have so much wrong with your back. Everything will have to change and I don't know if I can get a job in Nfld. I would be giving up a good  career here to go to the unknown and whose to say that in a year or two we don't go through this all over again. I can't stay here if I stay with you because I don't know if I can trust myself around Samantha." He went on and on and on and on.... I sat there and listened determined not to interrupt... but I knew the moment he said that he would be staying with me out of obligation that the door was not only shut but the doorway to reconciliation was gone. I sat there listening to that man try to tell me that it was not workable.... but he didn't have the balls to make the cut complete. He kept saying all the things that a woman dreads to hear. I listened for 20 minutes to him try to let me down easily. I listened to his inner struggle and I knew that when I spoke that I was going to shut us down permanently. But I wanted at that point to see if he had the balls to say what needed to be said. Finally I had enough because he started to hash out all the things that he saw wrong with me and I was not willing any longer to enable him to put me down. I have my faults there are no two ways about that, but I am not willing to have him beat me up emotionally with his diatribe over and over again.

I stood up and said to him, "I think we both know where this is headed. I think I am not willing to live with someone who is with me out of obligation. Who had to ask his girlfriend if he should stay with his wife. I think knowing what you have just said to me that this divorce is our only option."

It took a lot for me to say that. I know it was the right thing to do... but still it killed me to say it. At that point I began to get my strength back. It was a turning point for me. Even though I was still an emotional basket case, I began to eat better and I stopped throwing up.

That was the day that he moved on. That was the day he turned to concrete. That was the day that he called the people at the Fairways Divorce Solutions office and made an appointment for us. That was the day that I needed to stand on my own two feet because my husband had changed and I had changed and we were no longer compatible. That was the day I knew deep in my soul that I was on my own. From here on in I would be making decisions for me and the girls and that he was not a part of those decisions. That was the final nail in the coffin.

I still didn't know how we had gotten here. How could we have changed so much and I not notice. How could I have had so much faith is something that was so fundamentally broken.

It ate at me... I would have panic attacks at strange times thinking about all that I faced.... the first thing was to get ready to go to Olds and face a week of testing. How was I going to get through it all. We started making plans... me and the girls and Opa.... Oma was unsure of things and was in a state of shock too. She was not fit for decision making. We looked at prices of moving companies. We started looking at houses. All the while I was telling my family members what was going on, he was hiding from telling his family. I don't know why but each day I would ask him he had told his mother and sister and brothers. He began to tell people here in town... he told the staff at the school, but for some reason he wouldn't tell his family. I still had days when I would shrivel up inside and cry for hours on end. But my friends and family gathered around me and bolstered me up. I had begun to think of him as not a part of my family. But I still hoped that for the children's sake I would be able to maintain some kind of friendship with him.  I thought it was a good possibility if we could get through the divorce without tearing each other apart.

We went to our first meeting at the Fairway Solutions office and I was like a deer in the headlights... there was such a sense of surreality that I'm not sure any of it made sense. I still couldn't figure out how this had all happened. Underneath in a small part of my heart I kept a little flame going because I wanted our marriage back like it was in the beginning when everything was shiny and new. Little did I know the half of it. He was already moving on... you could tell from his body language that he was thinking elsewhere and I couldn't talk to him about anything other than the Daughters.... He didn't want to talk to me at all. Essentially he had cut me out of his life. That was clear that day in the Fairways DS office.

I went to Olds and struggled through somehow. At one point in the middle of the night one night, I emailed him and begged for him to make me understand how this could have happened. He wrote me a long and rambling letter where he took a lot of responsibility for not being more honest with me a long time ago. But he continued to blame me for his falling out of love with me. I shot back a long answer that basically poured out what I saw was wrong with our lives as a married couple and I'm sure that didn't help but it was the truth from my perspective which I felt he really needed to see, besides, I knew there was no hope for our marriage... I wasn't saying it in an effort to "get him back" I was seeking understanding.

Then I returned from Olds and it felt like nothing had ever changed.  He was still living in the trailer on our property working on the renovations on our house as we were trying to sell it. He would come to the house for meals but he was sleeping in the trailer. His laundry was mixed up in ours and I was washing it just the same as I always had. He was getting me tea in the morning as he always had.  Then we had a viewer come and look at our house. That was the day after I got home from Olds. They came and viewed and then they made an offer. It was low so we countered but the plausibility of selling our home and never seeing my husband again hit home and when it did, I started to cry. I ran to my room and curled up in the fetal position and cried all over again. The girls came in and I threw them off like I was possessed and I stormed downstairs and I asked him if he saw all the harm that he was doing... I asked him how he could do this... all the time I saw him and couldn't figure out how an alien could have entered my husband's body and possessed his soul. That concrete face stared back at me and I finally asked him to explain... to tell me everything... because I knew, just knew that he was holding out. He said he had said everything... and then I told him that he needed to make me hate him.  I begged for him to make me hate him. And I am ashamed of this... I asked him to show me some of his emails to Samantha so that I could not only hate her but I could hate him too. Of course he said no. I asked him over and over how far he had taken his relationship with Samantha and he finally told me that they had kissed a number of times. I felt my heart breaking and breaking and breaking... kissing... was that all... how could you throw off your family for kissing... there had to be more.

In the end I told him he had to leave, that this farce that we were living... this friendship that we were trying to portray was confusing the situation badly and no one was able to move on. Everything that we were trying to do in the name of the kids was not healthy. He said he couldn't leave until the renovations were done. I felt so trapped like a caged animal. I needed to get out but I couldn't get out. I was well and truly stuck.

I knew I needed to find some space. That's the night I packed up Daughter #1's things and my things and Narmin. Daughter #2 chose to stay with her dad until mid week. I packed up food and bedding and everything that I thought I might need for a stay at a friend's empty house. Then I headed off to my friend's house in FSJ like a scared and chased animal. Little did I know that The Hounds Of Hell were on my heels. That was only a few days before the reckoning came... my reckoning... a reckoning like nothing I could have ever expected. I took that week in FSJ as a time for me. Within days I made a discovery about Michael that floored me to the bottom of my soul. There is no doubt that it was a good thing that I was there when I made my discovery. I spent the next days at that house and I nursed myself in every way I could. I needed it.

That's enough for now... I think I had better find some distance from this dreadful story. I will tell more at another time. Right now it is bedtime. Daughter #1 is home looking positively buff. She has been working very hard in the last while. I picked her and him up at the airport. He sat in the back seat as I drove home. I couldn't keep acting like we were the family we had always been... because we are not. We were only home a short time when I knew I had to set some boundaries because he has come home expecting it to be like it was before. He went to the tent trailer and changed his clothes and proceeded to act like mi casa et su casa. He comes and goes without knocking on the door. He acts as if he has every right to be here... but he doesn't... he needs to get the hell out of my house.  I sat down with him on the deck and explained that he needs to maintain a sense of decorum and that there had to be some rules. I also told him that he had till Monday to find a place to put the tent trailer. He was no longer a part of my family and since this house was my place to live that he wasn't welcome here. The stupid idiot said, "but it is my house and those girls are still my daughters."  So I painstakingly said that this was not where he lived... that he had moved out of the house on the 6th of June and that he was no longer welcome. Then a patiently explained to him that since he needed to finish the renovations then he could come in the morning at 10 a.m. at which time I would leave and I would return at 5 p.m. at which time he was to leave again. Then I painstakingly explained that I was not trying to take the girls away from him because with our time here in BC getting so short that he could take them as much as he wanted five nights a week and weekends too if he wanted... I was ok with that as long as that is what they wanted too. But he definitely doesn't get it because he is still coming and going all night long without knocking on a door... and he washed the dishes after supper tonight... Next thing he will be complaining about how lazy I am... he fed the animals... he watered plants... he acts like he belongs here... It's just too stupid for words... he doesn't understand.... "Get Lost... Get outta here... go away.... I kept my peace and didn't say anything because I know he is going to be leaving here on Monday and hopefully it won't be so bad then. Arggh...

Last night after bearing my soul here I didn't sleep very well... I think it was dragging the whole thing up again. So tonight I am tired and it is time for this bonzo to go to bed...I think that is all I can talk about at this point... there are other things that need to be said before I am completely done but that will come down the road when other things have come to pass.

As The Story Unfolded

I decided on June 6th... almost right away that the Fairway Divorce Solutions program of getting me through this divorce mess would probably be the best solution for my life. Michael agreed and he actually was the one who called and made the arrangements for our first meeting.  It is a particular mediation process for taking people through divorce as long as they are able to function together as much as humanly possible. The first meeting you have with them is a together meeting where they get to know you and your spouse, and they find out what brought you to the point of divorce in the first place. Then, individually, they take you through a step by step process that will mediate a divorce in the most expedient way possible saving your dignity, your assets, and your children from the traditional legal system which can drain you of everything you own while turning you against each other as effectively as possible, so that there is no hope in hell of ever co-parenting. There is a new franchise that just recently opened up in FSJ and I thank God for that because where a traditional divorce can take up to a year and a half or longer this process will get us through in less than six months as long as we can remain civil to each other. For us it is the way to go.

Having said that I have read a lot of their literature over the last few weeks.... some of it sucks.

According to the Fairways Divorce Solutions literature, I was acting the part of the victim through all of this which is, apparently, messed.... I have difficulty with that because I wasn't acting or reacting or anything... I could barely function... Shock is like that... I feel in the last weeks I have made huge inroads into establishing my independence especially if you consider where I was. But over the next while I will be revealing more and more of my story... just maybe not every day. I can't do that because it will eat me alive.

This is my story....

I have always maintained that I never saw this coming. I felt that my husband was rock solid and one of the good ones. I always thought that if ever there was someone I could trust implicitly it would be him. Wrong!

I have in the last 6 or 7 years felt that we both needed a little more space to chase our own individual dreams. The girls were getting older and needed us less so it was time for us to make room for our own interests after many years of devoting so much to our children. Mike's was the Rangers and the Junior Rangers and all things outdoorsy... mine was the spinning and weaving, and writing poetry or short stories or maintaining several blogs. We would always come together to explore our common interests and that was ok. We had a good and mature relationship, I thought. We had our own friends and then we had our family friends. This I thought was good too since it meant that we trusted each other and knew each other to be reliable. We always connected and tried to have a few nights a week when we would take time for each other and for our family life. We always made special occasions... well, special.

About three years ago I started to notice a marked decline in Mike's interest in my doings. Still he encouraged me to get out there and do my thing which was always with my girl friends with spinning, weaving, or knitting. And I encouraged his time in the Rangers and his canoeing and instruction courses. In actuality I now realize that he had already started to lose interest in me as a person.  He has never come to one of my gallery openings until I forced the issue this fall past. He has never supported my endeavors in the spinning world, that was obvious because he never asked and he has never really cared much about what I did in Olds, again because he never asked much. He has never read my blog unless I read a particular post to him to get his opinion of what I have written.

About a year ago he was going on a trip with the Rangers and he needed me to drop him off at the drop off point so I took him there and he jumped out of the truck and unloaded his gear from our truck and reloaded his gear into the other person's truck with whom he was getting a ride. After a few minutes of watching them unload and reload I got out of the truck to say good-bye and he was running across the road with the treasurer of the Rangers to get money out of the bank as he was one of the signatories. I waited and waited for him to come back so that I could kiss him good bye and wish him well on his trip... but he didn't return because after he came out of the bank he and his buddy went to the grocery store in another pick-up to get a few last minute items... basically in the rush to get on their trip he had forgotten about me and saying good bye in any meaningful way. That hurt... but I let it go and just put it down to comfort of a long term relationships and hurry in the moment.... but it did hurt.

As this year has progressed I kept wondering why it was getting harder and harder to talk to the man that I had always shared everything with. Then I started to notice that his best friend's ex-wife, who had taken over the chair person's position with the Junior Canadian Rangers, was becoming more and more a part of our lives... at least he was talking to me about her more and more. At first it was very subtle... he would offer to pick her up and take her to meetings... then he was talking with her after hours at the school. Then he was giving her rides to FSJ when he was on his way to meetings. Then he was talking about her at home far more than a regular normal girl/guy relationship... this gave me some worry but I "knew" he would never do anything to hurt me or the girls and besides she was a bland creature with very little class.... at least that was my opinion. Little did I know that they were falling in love because he had fallen out of love with me... I knew they had a close relationship but I never knew how close it had become. Just before Christmas they went on a camping trip with the JCRs. It was a winter survival trip and I guess that's when things really got hungry between them. Then he spent all of January and February "thinking about divorce and how to get out of his relationship with me".  Meanwhile I was in my little bubble of complete trust. In January they went to Comox together for the JCRs for PHASE training. They spent a week together and all the while I trusted, trusted, trusted... that he was my husband and he would never cheat... so much so that cheating never even entered my mind.

During the winter I started to notice that Mike would stay up very late at night...  sometimes only coming to bed around 2 a.m. Or I would wake at night and look across at him and he would be "reading" on his phone. I would ask him what he was reading and he would say some new book that he had downloaded. I thought it was strange that he would be reading so late at night but put it down to age and insomnia for him. I would put my hand in his and gently fall back to sleep.

Over the spring I started to notice him drawing further and further away from our family as he sought every outlet to be at the school working late. One day I walked into the sunroom and he was writing something on his iPhone... he had been using Facebook a lot and as I got closer to him he turned his phone away from me... I never thought anything about it because a couple of minutes later he made some inane remark about the email that he had just sent to CBC complaining about a news story he had just heard on the radio. It was only long after, that I remembered that turning away of the iPhone.

When spring arrived he started to go for bike rides each evening because "he wanted to get into shape". Ok so he was going through some mid-life crisis thing so I encouraged him to go bike riding... all the time my mind was occupied with getting my level 5 homework done and some days I was working 10 - 15 hours a day. Yes I would watch TV as I spun... you need something to occupy your mind. But he saw watching of TV as laziness, he saw my working on my "hobby" as a turn from him... a lack of concern for him and his needs, a lack of empathy for anything that he wanted. I would often find myself tired in the evenings and so many nights supper wasn't on the table when he walked in the door... I would be still spinning and so there would be mad scurryings to get supper... or he would offer to get it and since he is such a great cook I would let him. I always did the dishes with Daughter #1 afterwards before going to bed. He says he did 2 to my 1 of the housework... but he has never cleaned out a sink or cleaned out a toilet except to throw a container of CLR in once a year. He has never swept or vacuumed or cleaned a window. He has never had to make a bed though he has done it in the last year a few times not because he needed though because I always made the bed when I went upstairs to have my shower, after they had gone to school. He has never given a dog a hair cut. He has never gotten a breakfast unless I was sick. He has maybe gotten 5 suppers a week out of seven during my crunch time in spring when I am trying to finish work on my Master Spinning certificate... and then only a week here or there did that number reach that high. But I am a bad wife... because I have tried to finish my Master Spinning certificate and left him to do a few extra helping jobs as I have worked at it.

Mother's day came and he was away once again with the Rangers... which really hurt though he did get back in time to have lunch with me... I got up that morning feeling pretty low since I hadn't heard anything from him, not even a text to say happy mother's day... but the girls gave me a lovely pot of flowers that were so pretty that I just cried because I was so happy to have them remember me in such a lovely way.  He came home from his trip with the Rangers, and said he had to go to town quickly and he would be back in short order.  An hour and a half later he came through the door with a bag of chips and a movie and said happy mother's day. That hurt.... I was so all fired important to him that I got a bag of chips and a rented movie... but then we would be spending some time together so I said thank you politely.

In the week after I finished my level 5 homework, we had decided on many projects for the garden... potato beds, and new beds for carrots and beets.  He had purchased 30 strawberry plants from a fundraiser in town which just so happened to support his chit's daughter in a trip to Ghana for working with orphans the same fundraiser from which the girls had bought my beautiful hanging flower pot. We had had a couple of arguments over the feeding boxes that we had used for the the sheep. I wanted them to plant beans and peas and he wanted them for the strawberries.  He won because I was sick of fighting him on everything (I was starting to feel tired of always disagreeing) so I made a plan to use my old red barrels for the beans and peas. I had found it strange that he was so angry all the time... snapping at the girls, snapping at me, snapping at the dogs...

We spent the long weekend getting the plants in... he worked on the potatoes, strawberries, and beans and peas since that was the serious heavy work and I worked on the flowers. We had the radio playing as we worked exchanging chat and I thought that things were better than they had been for a while. That weekend the seniors in town were have a plant sale and I thought I might get some nice bedding plants so I asked him if he would like to come along and help me pick out bedding plants. We headed off in the truck and when we got there, we parked and started walking toward the building where the plant sale was being held. I was a few steps in front of him and I noticed Samantha (his chit) coming out of the sale. I had no idea at the time what was going on right under my nose. As I walked toward her I said hello with a smile on my face and I noticed that she looked at me sourly and then looked at Mike with a look of absolute longing that it almost took my breath away.

That was the day that I began to look for every opportunity to check his cell phone. That was the day I got suspicious. That was about two weeks before I figured it all out. That was only a short time before my world crashed.

The morning of June 6th I woke up at 7 a.m. after a bad night of insomnia and Mike was already in the shower getting ready for school. I called out to him and said that I wasn't feeling well and could I please be exempted from making breakfast. He called out that yes certainly if I wasn't feeling well he and the girls would manage without me. I rolled over and went back to sleep. Shortly after I woke to a quiet room and sounds of  Mike rummaging around in the kitchen, downstairs. The girls were in their room getting dressed and I noticed his phone charging by the side of the bed.  I barely breathed as I picked up the phone and turned it on. First I checked his text messages... but there was nothing there incriminating.... I don't even know for sure what I was looking for. I just wanted to know that his and Sam's friendship was just that... a friendship. I put the phone down and began to relax but my mind was working overtime. He has an app on his phone to receive text messages via Facebook... I didn't need a password or anything because it simply opens up to his messages when you stroke your finger across the phone. It was there that I found all the damning evidence I needed.

I had to do a double take... I checked his messages to her... and I had to do a double take again because what he was saying to her was always what he would say to me. "Sweetie this and I love you that. And good morning my love..."

I took the phone downstairs with tears in my eyes and panic in my heart.... and I confronted him in the kitchen, pointing to the deck outside where the girls wouldn't hear our conversation...... we stepped through the door and within minutes I knew my life as I knew it, was over. He fully admitted the whole thing... and he seemed relieved. What he didn't and still doesn't understand is that was the day... that was the moment when my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. That was the moment that saw the end of my innocence, and the end of my belief in love. That was the end of my faith and trust and respect. With a resounding thunk the guillotine did its job.

Marriage dead.

And that was the day that I lost me. Lost: one female... 47 years old... never to be seen complete again.

The pieces of my heart are still all over the ground outside on the deck where I heard from his mouth his version of the truth.

Crazy glue only can do so much. When something shatters, even if you find all the miniscule parts that can hardly be seen, even if you were ever to put those pieces back together again, it would still be cracked... maybe incomplete. A Picasso painting, where nothing looks right.

When I leave here there will be apart of me that stays... those miniscule bits of my heart that will always stay where they fell that dreadful day.

I remember hot tears. I remember the last time he held me as I folded into myself when the reality of what he was saying hit home... "I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore." I remember my girls holding me.... I remember him calling the school and saying that he needed an emergency sick day.... I remember being hardly able to speak and being so choked with the terror of this loss. I remember hollowness... in my bones... in my chest... in my arms. I remember hours of this... I remember a long agonizing day of shock.

I told my mom and dad right away on the phone because I needed people around me who loved me and cared for me.... The Daughters and I went to their house for supper... I hardly choked anything down. I couldn't eat. The agitation was starting to set in.... on the way home we stopped at the Post Office to pick up the mail. I remember thinking this is such a mundane thing to be doing when the world is falling out from under me. Surrealism was my life in that moment. Daughter #2 came out of the post office with a pamphlet in her hand and said mom this might come in handy. She handed me the Fairways Divorce Solution pamphlet. I looked at it and my chest ached all over again. But I took it and then promptly forgot about it.

And then that day was over and another day came and it was more of the same.

I had been abandoned... But that was only the beginning my friends... that was only the beginning...

I don't know how I got through those days.... I don't know how I survived... my bed was empty... he moved out to the trailer. And each night I would get into my bed and curl up in a fetal position and cry until I had nothing left and then I would sleep for a few hours, an exhausted sleep that only kept me going and did nothing to refresh me.

I ate very little and lost twenty pounds in a week... I thru up everything that I forced down my throat... I gagged on food... And always there were the tears... I was so dehydrated that my skin looked ancient. I remember looking in the mirror at one point and thinking that I looked 80 years old.

But that was only the beginning folks that was only the tip of the iceberg... it got worse before it got better... if you can call this better... I guess it is... I am maintaining my weight... and I am moving on... but I feel like I have all the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Where my heart is there is a hardness... there is a solid and still hardness... I can't make it better, because I have tried. It will not go away... I am hopeful that in time it will, but for now it is there and I must learn to live with it. It is what keeps me going... I think of it as my own little Chernobyl. It is what keeps me going but it is also what will eat me alive if I cannot make it go away.

This is where I will end tonight... I am tired and I have to face Sir Arsewipe tomorrow as Daughter #1 and he will be returning after three weeks of me being here and him being there.  Much has come to pass while he has been away... much has made me understand... much.... but that is for another time my friends... that is for another time. This story will unfold only as I am able... but that time is not tonight...

I will need all the strength I can glean... tomorrow I have to drive home with him.... an hour and a half of more punishment. I will kick him out tomorrow.... it is not healthy for me to have his presence so profoundly near. I will kick him out... and for that I need to be at my best... so I am off to sleep and hopefully get more than the usual few hours... I live in hope... I live in hope.

Dreams... That's What Getting On With It Is All About

Tonight I am surrounded by thunder and lightning. Well actually I think the worst is over for now although I do hear rumbles off in the distance. Mom and Dad showed up a little while ago... their power is off at their house and so they came here for a little reprieve. I am printing a bunch of documents that need to be printed and all is quiet except for that thunder I keep hearing. Last night I went to bed just as the power went off and it was off all night. That was not a pleasant thing since it meant that the fan in my room was not able to keep me cool and so i sweated my way through the night. This morning I woke up and got ready for a day in FSJ since I had to go get my new glasses. My old ones which Narmin somehow had gotten a hold of, were chewed and scratched so badly that there was not much point in keeping them. My new glasses make me look more professional and serious... I was going to post pictures of them but I can't get a good picture without a whole lot of glare and these are no glare lens too. I will wait and tomorrow if I can get a relatively flattering picture then I will post it then.

For a while this morning I just played on the computer while I was eating my breakfast. Daughter #2 had decided to stay in bed and so the perfect opportunity to do a little surfing arose. I have had on my mind this move to Nfld and while I am anxious, I am also excited. I am a little worried about becoming the new head of this family. But at the same time I am thinking forward thought to what might possibly be. I am buying a new house and while I haven't got my heart set on one I do have a couple in my mind. I have hired a fellow there in the area for a commission to find me a house and he is on the job if you know what I mean. Some of the houses have been refurbished and renovated so that they look like modern new homes. This is not what I am looking for. I am looking for an older style home that I can put my stamp on. I like renovating and while I won't have lots of money I will try to do a few things to make it more my own. I don't want anything that is too run down... it has to have good bones. But I don't want anything that has been so renovated that it has lost it's old world charm. I have found one house that I think might work. I have all kinds of ideas for it but everything (and everyone) tells me that it won't work. I will wait a bit because there is another house coming up on the market that the guy I hired is going to look at and take pictures of it for me. I will know more on Saturday. Meanwhile what I started this paragraph to say is that I found a painting of a house that I would really like to aim for...

Of course I am not going to do this over night and I am not sure I am going to be able to do this at all but we'll see what the pictures return. I already know I could do it with the small house ... well sort of. But I'll show you guys soon what I have in my mind... meanwhile don't stop me from dreaming by giving me negatives... yes I want the best outcome with not buying a house that's rot up to the thighs but at the same time I don't want a sterile environment either. I can see a rose trellis all around my door. I can see plant boxes under each window especially under each bedroom window.I can see the ocean beyond my house. I can see a pleasant place to sit and drink lemonade on a hot summer day.  But I can see a cozy fireplace (probably electric) to huddle by in the winter with a rocking chair and some chocolate and some warm mittens on a set of knitting needles.

Reality will probably be nothing like that... I'll probably be tongue out shoveling snow... and I will probably have to work day in and day out and I probably won't get a chance to plant my posterior at all... well, maybe I'll look forward to retirement.  Either way, all I've ever wanted is an oasis that I can call my own... a place that I can walk into and sigh and think this is a really nice place to be. I had it here or so I thought... at least we were working towards it... but then look what happened. Dud!

Still a gal can dream can't she...?

So Bright It Hurts My Eyes

Living in the north country has always been hard on my eyes. In summer time at the height of summer I sometimes struggle with migraines.  Today was one of those days. Slowly my sleeping habits are getting back to normal as the daylight diminishes as summer wears on. But today was bright... really bright and it was hot... so hot that I just wanted to jump in a pool or a lake. Unfortunately about a week ago I had to get some moles removed and I have stitches so there will be no swimming for the next little while. As a result of all the sun today I ended up with a migraine. It was so bad at one point that my peripheral vision was like looking through a kaleidoscope. It is not entirely gone yet even though I took two extra strength Tylenol. But the air is starting to cool though upstairs is like a furnace. We are patiently waiting for the thunder storm that is moving ever closer to clear the air before we go to bed.

I love night time thunder and lightning... the one thing that astounds me since living here is how very infrequent night time thunder storms comes into the neighbourhood. There are  plenty of thunder storms here.... just not at night. So when we get a night time thunder storm it is a real treat.  We sit on the deck watching the display and listening to the distant rumbling as the storm draws ever closer. And at the last minute just before the heavy rain hits we all dart inside to the safety and dryness of the house. So it goes tonight... it is not close enough yet to put on a real display but it is coming and I expect that there will be other storms too. Each rumble of thunder sends a corresponding flush of adrenaline through my body. Each flash of lightning sends excitement coursing through my veins. I love living in a log house with a tin roof because the pelting rain on the tin creates a din that makes you want to bury your head under a pillow and thank God you are not out in that storm.

The rumbles are getting closer...

I know what it is like to be exposed to the elements in a horrific storm... I have been there and done that.  Many years ago when life was simpler and kinder and gentler my husband and I took the daughters to Calgary to visit some friends and have a wee vacation. We took the girls on their first train ride at Heritage Park and we took them to the zoo and then one day our friends suggested that a day on the Ghost reservoir in Cochrane AB would be a really nice way to spend the day. They had a small sailboat big enough to take 4 adults and a couple of children but there were three families so we decided to ferry out to a small island for a picnic and to let the kids who were between the ages of five and six months wade and splash and play in the shallows. Our friend ferried the first family out to the island and then came back for us. We were headed across the short expanse of water probably no more than half a kilometre when we noticed at the head of the lake the skies looked very dark. No matter we all thought, the storm was probably passing to the north or the south of us and would miss us entirely. We got to the island and unloaded coolers and picnic gear and took off our sandals and stripped down to our swimsuits. But as we were digging for towels we began to realize that the storm was headed straight for us and that there were several children with no shelter.  In hind sight what we did next was pretty stupid but our friend who owned the sailboat decided that it was such a short trip back to the marina that we could pile the kids and the moms into the sailboat and motor across in no time. We could make it before the storm hit because it was still way up the lake. We did exactly that.

You can tell where this story is going...

We were about half way across when we ran out of gas... under normal circumstances this was not as bad a problem as you would think... it just meant changing out the tank that was on and putting on another tank... but the wind had come up and we were starting to get battered around pretty good. Our host tried like anything to change the tank over and as he was frantically working, that's when the wind really hit... in seconds we knew we were in trouble... everyone had a life jacket except for... yes you got it... moi.  The boat was steadily being pushed toward the spillway which was a drop of about 150 ft. If we went over that we would all be killed. Our host stopped fighting with the tank of gas at that point and just manned the rudder in an attempt to steer us away from certain death.  All the while husbands were back on the island watching helplessly as their wives and children were precariously flirting with the end of their lives.

I have to give him my heartfelt respect but our host was able to steer us to rocks. Large boulders the size of Volkswagons and when we hit we started passing children out one at a time to the rocks.  None of us had shoes... we had left in such a hurry that they were back on the island with our husbands and our picnic. Meanwhile the wind was by now whipping around us and the sailboat was dipping and swaying and banging on the rocks. We had no choice but to get the heck out of there and scramble up the boulders to safely.  I was the only mom with two kids and so I was dragging my two children in the beating rain over the rocks ever climbing higher to the top of the dam. Our host after dropping his own wee child and wife at the top of the dam came back to help me... but by then my knees were skinned and I was banged and bruised and sore... We got to the top of the dam and hunkered down under the rocks and tried to protect our children from the beating rain which was quickly becoming hail... that's when sailboat number two hit...

Apparently at the same time another sailboat with two young men aboard lost their engine in the storm too... and like us were headed for the spillway... they two were able to maneuver their craft to the side of the spillway right on top of our sailboat. They jumped to our sailboat and then jumped to shore and then like us scrambled up and over the rocks with whoops of elation for the great adventure they were experiencing... it was when they saw us that reality sunk in and you could see their emergency aid mentalities kick in... one of them came to the rescue and gave me his life jacket to help me cover my two young children. Daughter #1 was 5yrs at the time and Daughter #2 was 3yrs. I will never forget his kindness as he tried to block the worst of the storm from us, but still it felt like hard pellets hitting us ferociously. On the other side of the rocks under which we were hiding, were the two sailboats viciously and constantly hitting up against the dam. Boats can only take that kind of toll for so long.... they both disappeared beneath the dark waters at about the same time.... sinking into oblivion.

After the storm blew through we were left to walk along the top of the dam in bare feet... (it was crushed stone).  I had two children that were terrified and wouldn't let go of me but eventually I was able to convince one of them to let the nice man carry her as I struggled with the weight of my other child as I walked along in bare feet on crushed stone. As we got closer and closer to the gate that kept us from getting back to the marina I wondered how long we would have to wait for someone to come and open that gate and let us through... I also wondered what my husband was thinking out on the island having watched the whole gong show from his vantage point.

I was so happy when a pickup truck came through the gate and drove up to us and offered us a ride back to the marina... I got in that truck with my two little girls and thanked God that I was alive. We had a long time to wait before Michael showed up back at the marina... he had managed to hitch a ride on the boat of  someone who had stopped on the island for safely. I have never been held so
ferociously in my life and I knew in that moment what it felt to be so scared that someone you loved could be so close to death and there is nothing you can do... you are powerless to stop such ferocious acts of God. I knew in that moment that he loved me and the girls like his life depended on it. I have never ever forgotten that moment... it felt like nothing I have ever felt before... and I will probably never feel anything like it again. He has written that he never loved me.... but I know... that in that moment he loved me and the girls more than anything on the face of the earth. It felt like a love so bright that it hurt my eyes.

It is raining now and the thunder is definitely closer.  I will end here... as I am afraid that a power surge may come at any time and fry this computer.... see ya... I'm off to watch the lightning and it too will probably be so bright that it hurts my eyes.

Glimmers Of A Sense Of Humour

Today was a good day... (remember it is one day bad... one day good... always I am moving forward). Today some friends of my parents took my mom and dad out for lunch in Chetwynd at the Chinese food restaurant that my mom and dad love to go to.  They invited Daughter #2 and me to go too... I drove there and back in my own vehicle while mom and dad went with their friends. We had a lovely meal not like there will be much opportunity to do something like that again.

Afterwards Daughter #2 and I stayed behind to do a little shopping... and we did some girly things which were a real pleasure. On the way home I was listening to loud music... Jon Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Santana, Cheryl Crowe... all great music but Daughter #2 and I had the music cranked and I began to look around me and realized that the turn of summer has come. I couldn't believe it... there before my eyes was the turn of summer! It resonated for me because I remembered lying in bed this morning and realizing that the bird song had changed. The deep summer is upon us because the chickadees are back... they go further north than here to nest and while a few stay around there are far fewer here in the summer than there are in the spring and fall... Anyway there I lay in bed listening to the birds and I realized that the birdsong had changed... I can't explain it but it was like I could understand what they were saying. They were singing but they are singing different songs.  And their songs are not the mating calls of spring and early summer... they are winding down their nesting habits... that's what they were saying. Then when I was driving along today I began to notice the Fireweed. Usually Fireweed is a signal of the end of summer and while it hasn't yet turned to fuzz it is completely out in bloom and only days away from starting to see the first signs of fading for the year. I passed field after field of Fireweed.

As I got closer to home I started noticing a plant that I can safely say doesn't bloom until after the middle of summer... It is a plant that Sir Arsewipe and I have sniggered and snorked about over the years... as a result when I saw it the first thing that popped into my mind was of course Sir Arsewipe  and for the first time I didn't feel like crying... as a matter of a fact I started to laugh... and here it is...

We've always called it a Dickweed... so how very fitting that it reminds me of Sir Arsewipe...!

How's that for a sense of humour?!

Something New

First of all I want to say how cathartic it has been to write here and how much I appreciate those who have stayed with me through all of this. I am hoping at some point I will be able to get my sense of humour back.  Right now it seems to be pretty close to nil.

I would never wish this heartache on anyone. It is a horrible feeling. I try to stay focused on the good things and try not to dwell on the bad but when someone you know and have loved for twenty years suddenly sees you as fat, lazy, crazy, and not worth his time anymore it does tend to make you look in the mirror and think, what's the point. Most days I try to remember that I did have a life before him and because of that I KNOW that I will have a life after him. But some days are hard and this one is is one of those days. I find that I am teary more than not and every time I feel another flood of tears I run to the bedroom where I get the self help book that the woman who started the Fairways Divorce Solutions program and I read... I read some more and soon I find I am distracted enough that the waterworks turn off and I am able to do something else. Either that or I sit down with my journal and I write hate notes to Sir Arsewipe... that helps and if that doesn't help then I go into our family email and read his love letters to his chit. That really turns off the waterworks in a hurry.

Today is a bad day though because while I am happy in some ways, there is going to be a very large reckoning very soon. First of all let me say that we have had another offer on our house. If all goes well I am going to accept it... and if all goes well I will be buying a house in Nfld in very short order. If all goes well I will be out of here within the month and I will not be looking back I guarantee that. Before I leave I will also be confronting Sir Arsewipe with what I have found out... he doesn't know that I know the things that I know... but I know far more than he told me or for that matter what he was willing to tell me. I am wondering what the outcome of that will be since not only do I know things but so do the Daughters as well. We are horrified to learn some of the things that he has been saying and doing in his alternate life. Then in recent conversations with friends around town, I have discovered that I really was the last to know that he was doing the rush with his chit. People were seeing them together and not telling me (out of embarrassment or just not wanting to get involved, who knows).  But he is such an idiot because everyone knew he was with her... and everyone knows he is acting like a teenager... when I think about it it is laughable... pathetic... and so down right stupid. Why did he leave it so long... all he did was further hurt everyone. If he wanted out he should have said so... at least then I would have nothing to berate him with... but then maybe it is better that I do have something for which to berate him... it will help me to hate him... and mark my words... I will hate him eventually. Just one more step on the path to putting this all behind me.

I find myself in a very strange dichotomy. There are times when I think that a few bruises on his face wouldn't go astray and then I think sometimes why did it all have to go so sour... why couldn't I have been one of the lucky ones to have found real and true love. I really and truly thought he was one of the good ones! What makes it worse is that there is very little divorce in my family... even back to my cousins... you have no idea what kind of a failure you feel when you look around you and everyone has happy marriages and you have been described as fat, lazy, and crazy.... (oh and by the way he doesn't say those things to my face... but he sure as heck says it behind my back... and I have it in writing).  There is a cruel streak in that man that I never knew was there... boy can he act. Academy award for Sir Arsewipe! Meanwhile I try not to dwell on the fact that I have a failed marriage... and no one else seems to.

Anyway, I am hoping that there is a house that will meet my needs in the place that I want to go. I have looked at five or six now and all of them have been inappropriate... so maybe this one will pan out. I sure hope so, because to stand on the shores of the north Atlantic and feel the rolling sea as it thunders and heaves will be a balm to my soul and will help ease the loss I know I will feel when I leave this place for good. I know there will be so much that I will miss... but I also know that there will be much that I will be going to. Thinking thoughts of Nfld. helps to ease the sorrow I feel knowing I will be leaving my youth, my dreams, my life partner and this oh so lovely valley that I have come to love. While I leave behind the forest glen bordering our property I will be gaining some of the best berry picking grounds anywhere. While I will be leaving the river that churned and beckoned me to canoe it, I will be by the sea with all its crustations and life. While I will be leaving the fabled dragons/monsters of the Peace, I will be returning to the very real and wonderful life of whales moving about off shore. While I will be leaving the mountains that watch over this valley, I will be returning to mountains of ice silently floating past my home.

And as for myself, I will try to find the good in now being "damaged goods"... the thing is to make something beautiful out of what was before, so that the transformed is equally beautiful and worthy as it was in the beginning... if not more so. Quite a goal don't you think?!

The Dark Knight Rises... In More Ways Than One

I'm off today with Daughter #2 to watch The Dark Knight Rises at the theatre in FSJ. Daughter #2 is so excited you could watch her jump over the moon twenty times.  I do have to say that I am looking forward to it too. We have been waiting in anticipation for this movie to come out. However, there is a movie that I am looking forward to even more. I am looking forward to the next Bourne movie, which will be coming out in the theatre pretty soon I expect. Although Matt Damon will not be playing a roll in it it still looks like it will be awesome. Last week we finally rented The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo... loved it. Nothing better than a smart and sassy movie with complex characters and a complex plot. That said I am hopeful that this Batman movie will not be a shitload of effects and nothing much other than that. We are going into a matinee so it hopefully won't be terrifically busy.

Last night Daughter #2 and I went to a friend's house for dinner and had a very pleasant time. Lovely meal with lovely friends. I had wondered about them since I hadn't heard from them in ages. I wondered what Sir Arsewipe had told them about our separation. I didn't get into it last night since sometimes it's just nice to put the whole thing aside for a little while and believe me that is not easy to do when it gnaws at you like strong acid in the belly. Still, for the most part I did set it aside for a few hours. I came home to a dark house and chores waiting... sometimes the prospect of a dark night rising before you is not the most welcome thing.... still there is no going back now.

July is in it last breath of reality and soon we will be looking at August and shorter days are definitely apparent already. I feel like I have totally lost this summer. I don't know how that can be when summer is not even half over... but it seems to be flying by. Sir Arsewipe will be home soon and I am hoping he can bugger off somewhere where I don't have to look at him. I just did a load of laundry yesterday and low and behold there were a bunch of things that had gotten in with our that belong to him washed and dried... I can't believe he had the nerve to throw his laundry in with ours... and stupid here washed it without looking. I threw it in the tent trailer unfolded and that's the end of doing his laundry... he can suck eggs for all I care. I'm tempted to haul the tent trailer down to the park at the bottom of the Lynx Creek hill before he gets back and tell him that's where he stays from here on in. It would give me great pleasure to change all the locks too.... but I doubt that I'll do it since I don't have a confrontational attitude.... (he never reads this).

Later: We just got back from our trip to town where we saw the epic Dark Knight Rises. Awesome movie if it weren't for the fact that my hind quarters were somewhat dunch when it was over. Three hours for a movie is a long time. Still it was a great way for them to end the Batman series. I was however, disappointed with Ann Hatheway's portrayal of Cat Woman... honestly no one could ever live up to Halle Berry's portrayal of Cat Woman but Ann Hatheway totally fell flat... like completely... borinnnnggg! I did like Michael Caine, he did an awesome job of portraying the loving and caring father figure. Christian Bale is showing his age but did very well too. Gary Oldman did really well but then I just love Gary Oldman in pretty much anything... but then the two who were surprises were Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard. They both delivered performances that really worked well and added a lot of punch to the movie. Anyway, Daughter #2 and I had a great old time picking the whole thing apart afterwards... she was totally wowed and I was pretty impressed though not entirely wowed.

Since it is almost bedtime I will say nighty night and toddle off to bed for my prayers and some surfing the web on my handy dandy phone.  Tomorrow I have got to get some work done because yesterday and today, though I intended to work, I never got a tap done... not one tap. Mind you waking at 3 a.m. and not getting back to sleep doesn't make for good work... all you want to do is veg out.

I'm off.... and guess what.... The Dark Night Rises.