Sour Milk

Yesterday was a strange day. I spent it alone and as a result I did a great deal of thinking. Thinking is something I try to avoid these days because usually thinking leads to crying... is synonymous with crying. No one wants to be around a sniveling crying basket case. The strange thing is that physically I wasn't alone. We went on our field trip to Carstairs and Shuttleworks and I sat in the back seat of the car. The other two that I was with we're gabbing away in the front seat while I stared out the window in the back. It was not easy to hear what was going on in the front since I needed the window cracked. So in the end I knew that even though I had two chatting and gabbing women in a vehicle with me the end result the 'aloneness' settled around me like a cloak in very short order. - as for our field trip... it was entertaining and very interesting to go and see a working woollen mill. Shuttleworks was a clean, modern store with every possible thing to do with spinning and weaving available for sale. But the drive was long and I spent much of my time very much in deep private thought. It may have been good for cathartic reasons but not really a good time or place to take off the blinders and see my situation clearly for what it is. - I came home in no fit state to be around others. - The result of my catharsis is this: that he is well and truly lost to me. That he has turned his back on me. That while debased about that I was on a huge grieving trip. I could be no more grief stricken if he had died. Indeed, he is well and truly dead to me. My Teapot is gone. No more. The end. Finished. But not only was I grieving for him. I was grieving for me too. - When I met and married him I was a young woman still with girlish ideals of love and romance. The last twenty years with him have stripped that all away and left me jaded about fairy tale love. There is no such thing. Up until two weeks ago, I thought I had been one of the lucky ones and found it. But what is hard and fast is that it was all an illusion. A magician's trick of the eye. Suddenly, I was seeing me as 'past her spoil date' and that as much as anything would make me cry. Even fine wine eventually turns to vinegar. That is what he has turned me into. I am vinigar and that is about as appealing as... well, it is corrosive really. So you see there really is something to cry over. Not only am I crying over spilt milk, I'm crying because the milk is sour - So now the question is can I practice a miracle. Can I turn vinigar into a fine old whiskey? Because until I'm no longer vinigar I'm not much good to anyone.

Here It Is Morning Again

I have been lying awake for a while now. Slowly I hear my fellow apartment mates waking and beginning a new day. Soon I will get up too and join them. The days are beginning to pass in a strange vortex of events, visits, and shopping. Olds is beginning to work its magic on me. This year it is a bittersweet jumble of emotions. Everything I do here makes me wonder when and if it will happen again. Yesterday was a blur of shopping and meeting the vendors of the stores here who we have gotten to know over the last 6 years. I am happy to say that a possible opportunity presented itself to me in the first store we visited. But I will talk more of that later. The day was full of ideas from what we saw in each store. I didn't buy a lot since I will only have to pack it later. Mostly I bought small thing that can fit in a tote. We returned to the apartment in time to watch the flood of Fibre Week enthusiasts and fellow students arriving. Dinner was prepared and we ate our food with abundant conversation. A visit from one of my previous instructors meant lively discussions about all things Arts, and much with the MSProgram here at Olds. It is good for me to be so caught in this whirlwind called Olds because my mind is occupied with good and not with the evil that has crept into my life at home. I did talk to the Daughters and they are consumed with exams some good and some troublesome. Meanwhile he is trying to sell the house with a couple of showings but no takers. Hopefully that will change. Today is a field trip to a woolen mill called Carstairs and to one of the biggest spinning and weaving suppliers in Western Canada. It will be hard to not drool and want to spend. I'm feeling a little better today... that is, if I don't think too much.

We'll Rise Again

In the faces of our children. We'll rise again.... You know a song works for you when you just can't get the words out of your mind. We made it to Olds last evening and it was good to check in and meet with the other ladies with whom I share this apartment. Somehow it felt right to be here. It goes without saying that I miss the Daughters dreadfully... And wee Narmin. ( Evidently Narmin misses me too according to. The text messages from the girls.) The drive to Olds went well. I was anxious at how I would feel. I will miss this community of women who gather at this jewel on the prairie. I would love to come back but I doubt it will be possible. Graduation will take place without me being here. There is something good about this familiar space without him in it. Poignant that I didn't call him when I got here though. Poignant that I didn't kiss him when I left. It's all so weird. Still Olds is an oasis for me. Today we will grocery shop and do all the old haunts. Tomorrow we have a field trip. Then a day of registering and checking out vendors and connecting with old friends. Then the next day we get serious. Classes begin in earnest. Through it all my mantra will be: Chin up, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Not Fit For Anything

I lie awake night after night with acid eating out my insides. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the person I thought I knew so well could be so different. That is the turmoil within. On the surface I seem calm. But I am not. The only thing that keeps me functioning are our plans. Not even spinning works it's balm. A week of testing and what should have been pleasurable expectation is trying to fit in and make conversation about something other than what consumes me. I cannot concentrate. Thank God I am able to go to Olds at all. I could be losing that too. In a few moments I will get up and shower and keep putting one foot in front of the other. How do I do that when all I want to do is shrivel up inside.

Packing

I spent the evening packing last night. Not only for Olds but I was helping him pack books, videos, and Cd's. We are beginning the process of dividing our lives. After twenty years there is a lot to do. Somehow you don't realize how enmeshed your lives become when living together. He has stopped wearing his wedding ring and so I decided that maybe it was time to do something about mine. I haven't worn it for many years since I always found that the diamond would dig into my finger so I got it out of my jewelry box along with two bracelets that he has given me recently and I walked down the steps. I handed him the rings with the statement that I wanted the rings melted down and the diamond divided for the girls. He will have it made into something for them.  Then I turned to the girls and I gave them each a bracelet. They are bracelets that he bought for me while in Vancouver where his love affair started with his new trick. The bracelets turn my stomach since I know they were guilt gifts. They were copper and silver overlay in a Haida design. One had the sun on it and the other had a butterfly on it.... Daughter #1 got the Sun Because she is my sunshine cheery and happy all the time, and Daughter #2 got the butterfly for reasons to do with cocoons and shyness and coming out into world fully formed and beautiful.

I didn't cry.... which is a first.

This morning over breakfast we all sat and had a lovely walk down memory lane talking about all the things that we have kept from the girl's childhood. Rocking horses and doll houses and dolls and games, etc... Much of it will have to be sold before we leave. Laughter prevailed but at one point he left the room and he never returned. He once again is turning his back on the past. I wonder if he realizes what he has done.

There is a very surreal feeling about it all. He lives in the trailer in the yard and showers and eats in the house. Most of the time we are friendly and we try to keep our nasty thoughts to ourselves.  But occasionally things bubble over and when they do I leave for the bedroom where there is peace... or he leaves for the great outdoors where there is... whatever it is he is looking for. The surreality of it all is sometimes overwhelming. I feel like a Picasso.... one side of my face is up and the other side of my face is down.  And all around me is a Salvadore Dali painting with clocks melting as time ticks into an unknown future.

Only two weeks ago life was so normal... how odd it is to be packing knowing that when I leave today I may be coming back to a very different situation. Two days after I return from Olds he will be leaving for Vernon. I may see him very little from here on in. While I think it is the healthiest option I can't help wondering if I am in a dream.... Allison in Wonderland chasing the white rabbit.

One Trip After Another

Today was a trip to town for a new suitcase. The suitcase that I always carried my spinning wheel in died shortly after Easter and all spring I have been thinking about a new one. I finally bit the bullet and went to town to get one. It is large and lined and I think better than the original one that I had. So I am pleased that that is one job down.

I look around me these days and I see nothing but jobs in every direction. The flooring in the house is almost finished. The sun room was finished before this whole fiasco.... but since then the dining room has been finished and the kitchen is about three quarters of the way done. So I am hopeful that it will be complete when I get back... I am also hopeful that the addition will have it's new siding on it. These are the two biggest jobs. The rest is stuff that will require little effort and only minor expense. It seems ludicrous to me that for four years I begged and pleaded to have this place finished and it wasn't done time and again and all of a sudden when things are falling apart the house is at its best and is finally looking like something that I would want to live in... some how it doesn't seem fair... but then fairness never really plays into life.

Tomorrow I leave for Olds and while normally I am looking forward to it... this time I am not sure how I will get through. A week of testing.... that in and of itself is daunting. Then I will be with friends who will be smiling and taking pleasure in their surroundings and I will be smiling on the outside but on the inside...... well it does no good to dwell on it. It just makes it more difficult.

I will try to write here sometimes while I am away. This has become a bit of an oasis... a place where I know people follow because they care. Thank you to all....

I Know You Are All Wondering

I am ok. Well, not really... but I will be. It has all been a huge shock to find out that your whole life has been a lie. All the things that I thought were real and true have not been. I will not talk too much about what has been from here on in, because I need to spare my Daughters more angst than what they have been through.  From now on I will talk only of positive things because that is the only way forward.

The girls and I will not be staying here... we will be moving on. Plans are being made, and things are being done to accommodate this new way of life.  As I speak the renovations that I wanted so badly for so long are being finished... we will be selling our home. That is a foregone conclusion. There is more. The Daughters and I will be moving and we will be taking my parents with me. Not just down the road either. We will be heading back to Newfoundland.... the land of my ancestors, the land of my heart. For the Daughters this will be a huge upheaval. And we are not sure when exactly this will happen. We only know that the house has to be sold. That is critical to all of us moving forward in our new lives. The alpacas are for sale.... the house is for sale. Two days from now I will be heading to Olds for the last level of my Master Spinners's Program.  The Daughter's will stay with their father while I am away and they will be finishing their school year as well. When I get back, there will be packing and decisions to sell furniture and other things.  I'm sure garage sales will abound. He will be leaving for three weeks of working with the JCRs and so will Daughter #1 this year in Vernon, BC since that is where the two summer camps will be held. I am hoping that by the time they are back the house will be sold. Then I can really start in on our plans. We just have to sell the house. Everything.... everything, is contingent on that. I will talk more about our plans as they become reality. I am afraid to talk too much about what we want, for fear of not selling this house. It is too easy to lose these new dreams too and I am not sure I can take that on top of everything else.

But I am ok.... or at least I will be.... and so will we all be...

I hope.