Reflections On This Busy Time....

Monday night there was a Bon Voyage party. It was held in my honour... everyone was so kind and they all made me feel so good. Of course I didn't make it through without tears. We ate some yummy food and chatted and gabbed and then we took a picture or two. These are the people who care what happens to me. These are the people that I care about too. They are my friends and it felt good to know that they wanted to celebrate the fact that I had been their friend and that I had been a good one. Yesterday the church gave us a little send off as well. There were good wishes and kind words and they were all heart felt and I felt honoured to know these people. These are the people who I will be sorry to leave. These are the people with which I will stay in touch. The last few days have been difficult ones and I don't expect it to get easier as time draws closer and closer to the close. We are leaving at around 9 a.m. on Sunday and we will go as far as we can with Dad.  It will be a little worrisome since he will have to stop regularly to put his feet up. Till then though we continue to sort and organize our stuff that's here since hopefully we can get the movers to move the majority of it after we leave. Staying at Mom's and Dad's place has meant that I am rarely seeing Sir Arsewipe especially now that he is at the school. But the chit (and believe me I use stronger words for her when not on this venue) is also back to work at the school too. I would love to tattoo across her face.... I am a home wrecker... and then walk away. It would serve her right. Yesterday I was at the stop sign by the post office and she passed by in her car, and honestly, I can't see what he sees in her. It was the first time I have seen her since this all happened and she looked like she had sucked prunes. Squat, fat, little dork!

I have been told to let the bitterness go... that's easier said than done. Don't think I sit around trying to hang on to these dreadful feelings. I don't sit down and nurse them. I do try to put them aside. But when your husband of twenty years throws you over as if you are nothing and then informs you that you were an obligation and never a true love you kind tend to feel a little bit bitter. That is one of the reasons for leaving here..... because when it is in your face all the time, you kind of feel like you've just been through the worst assault. When you see them together or even if you see them separately if it is a regular thing it really is hard to let go of this bitterness, especially when you live in the same town and it's a small town.  You work on being "over it" but seeing them is like a little burst of a taser gun being put to your heart every time.

School is back in session this week.  I have had not one kind word or for that matter, any word, from his co-workers and that is because..... I honestly haven't got a clue. I have cooked lunches for them over the years and I have sent baskets of treats etc... I have sent lunches when they were on strike. I have invited most of them to our house on one occasion or another, I have volunteered at the school and demonstrated spinning and weaving and I have served on the School Planning Council but apparently that means nothing. Perhaps they are embarrassed... perhaps they don't want to choose sides. But it is crushing to know that people you have entertained in your home and made welcome and tried to be friends with can be so dismissive.  Not one kind word... not one.

But I am sick of looking back at this place... it is not the town of my heart... my heart got crushed here under the weight of the jackass I married and have been burdened with for twenty years. So instead, these days I try to focus forward.... Forward facing is best. So I am working on getting this house in ship shape order before I go... Yesterday there were four trips to the dump with old things that should have been cleared out of here ages ago. Lamps that don't work properly and chairs that have been hanging together barely, and an old dishwasher that hasn't worked for three years, old mattresses that you wouldn't have your dog lie on, and blanket and sheets that are so frayed they are not worth a cobbler's cuss, even old bookshelves that were barely hanging together. It all made a one way trip to the dump. And good riddance.... it just means less to deal with and more room to get around in this small mobile home I am sharing with my Mom and Dad.

I am beginning to panic as I get closer to the date when I leave. There is still not an agreement in place for spousal and child support. Today I will be in the office of our mediator and I am hoping that the outcome will be good.  I would like to have this all in order before I go. Then there will be a quick course on co-parenting... and then some child custodial issues will be negotiated. We have CPP issue outstanding and hopefully we can say that it is done. He will have to sign a form saying that he has committed adultery and that is why our marriage has broken down and then the whole thing can be signed off and filed in court and then he is free to do whatever he wants and I am free to do what I need to do. How we go into the future from there will be up to us each individually. For me I will be making a new life in a new place with the support of family (cousins, uncles, and aunts, and even my sister) as I make new friends. For him it will be the same old, same old, only he'll be getting his jollies off with a new girl. (Sorry that was a little bitterness that slipped out. I wonder if you can totally let go of the bitterness. Most of the divorced women I know still hold grudges after years of being divorced.)

The picture at the top of today's post seemed particularly significant since I am feeling like I am walking a very fine line between shooting for the stars or falling into the abyss. The last few days have been really tough since for a while there it looked like I might lose the house in Nfld... {see I told you that Murphy lives with me.... I think he has taken to hanging onto my pants and living in my underwear.  If you see me, just tell me to bend over and give Murphy a good swift kick will ya. : ) Oh I love it when my sense of humour comes back a little!} I think we have it all straightened out but honestly I won't feel safe with the house situation until the deed is in a safe deposit box and the keys are in my hands. It is so easy to lose the sale of a house deal because of just shear stupid bad luck... and mine is apparently stupid bad luck. No lottery tickets for me... with my luck I'd win and have to give Sir Arsewipe half!!!!

Today there is a trip to FSJ... probably my last. I have to take the girls to the dentist for a cleaning... Narmin has to go for his booster, I have to pick up a kennel for Jiggs, and a laptop for traveling so that I don't lose all my computer files, I have to get tags for luggage and maybe even a piece or two of luggage and some hair dye since my blondness is beginning to need a pick-me-up and I think the girls want to have at their hair with dye too. I will also, as I said have to go to the Fairways Divorce office and get some more on that sorted too. So there it is. Three days left and still tons to do. But after all is said and done, I can't wait for those three days to go... the hardest one is left... and that will be the days we leave Edmonton on the train and watch as my husband for the last twenty years and the girl's father gets smaller in the distance. I wonder how we will all handle that. I know he'll care some about the girls but I wonder if he'll care a fig about me leaving.... somehow I doubt it and besides his chit will be waiting to cheer him up.

I'm off for another busy day....

Labour Day.... Gone

Yesterday was labour day and while most people were getting home after their last summer weekend of camping... picnicking, fishing etc..., I have been lamenting another summer gone. Last year after our wonderful trip to Cameron Lake camping I knew I wanted more of that in my life and so I began saving money for a really nice summer vacation this year.  It was not to be. All through the winter and spring I looked forward to finally being able to enjoy the fruits of my savings with my husband and daughters knowing that more than likely my camping days with the girls would soon be at an end since they are getting older and will be working themselves during the summer.

Daughter #1 will be 17 this December and when I was her age I struck out on my own. Daughter #2 is going to be 16 in May and she will certainly be looking at getting a job if I can just help ease her through this dreadful shyness that she has developed. They are good girls and I am inordinately proud of them. Daughter #1 had gotten a job in Vernon and had also secured a job at a wee boutique here in HH and was loving every minute of it. She followed through with her job in Vernon and was paid a nice tidy sum. The job at the boutique didn't last since as soon as it was known that we were moving her employer decided to hire someone else who could be trained quickly in Daughter #1's place. so she has lost the job that she loved so much. Daughter #1 is a worry because she has always been shy... but being bullied in school through grade 7 and 8 and in truth ignored through grade 9 has done nothing to boost her confidence. I worry about her because her whole world is sitting in her room making up stories and fantasy worlds. She is an excellent writer and she is an excellent artist ... if she could just put those two things together she could probably get some of her work published. Her biggest drawback is her shyness. Still I am hopeful that she will outgrow this and it will not become debilitating.

I watch my girls getting older and I realize that there have been so many summers that have passed us by and I wish I could snatch them back in an effort to give them more of their youth... a time when life is good and there are no worries. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that their burdens would be added to with this gargantuan and epic life change. Mostly we try to look upon it as an adventure and in all honesty I am not sorry that their horizons will be broadened somewhat. They need to experience a different world and a different culture. It will be a phenomenal experience. But as a mom you can't help worrying.

Today is the first day of school and they should be getting involved with clubs and sports and seeing their friends after months apart and they should be worrying about their makeup and their new clothes and whether or not they have the right binders... instead they are wondering if they will have a house to move into when we get to Nfld. They are worrying about their mother and when she will stop tearing up every five minutes. They are worrying about what their father is doing and whether or not they will have a new step mother by next year. They are worrying about the friends they are leaving behind and whether or not they will fit into their new school. They have far too many worries at this stage in their lives.

Sir Arsewipe seems to be as happy as a pig in sh--. He goes and comes at will, though he will not come into my parents house. I think he feels that he can't face them and he is right... my mother wants to thrash him and my father wants to beat him with his walking cane. In some ways I am thankful for my parents ferociousness but at others times I find it funny... and occasionally I find the whole thing just one more burden that I have to shoulder. I am constantly trying to fix it so that my parents and my almost ex husband don't come face to face.

Like the girls I am worrying too. I am worrying that the sale of the house in Nfld will not go through. I am worrying that I won't be able to get everything done before I leave, I am worrying that I won't have a job when I get where I am going. I am worrying that dad will have serious health issues on the way there. I am worrying about mom and whether she will come through with her senses somewhat intact. I am worrying about getting a mover after we have left and will they take the stuff that needs to go and will I be able to pay for it all. I am worrying about whether or not I can make a home that is fit and livable where I am going. I am worrying that I will hit a brick wall when everything settles down and I am safely tucked away and I won't feel like moving out of my bed for ten years and that I will have a complete breakdown when this whirlwind comes to a halt.

I am sick of worrying.

I don't have time to worry about Sir Arsewipe... but every now and again I do. What kind of weird trip is he on... why is there a huge debt on a credit card in his name that he has only had for two years.  Is there more to this than meets the eye (and there's already enough) is he involved with something that he shouldn't be.... will he continue to support me or will I have to go to courts and so forth... He has changed so much and there is so little trust between us. Last night once again when I had to speak to him about a bunch of stuff he spoke to me very derogatorily... as though I had a head as dense as a rock.I am a very unliked person. And I worry about what he is saying to the girls.  I worry about his family... his mom and sister and brothers and how they are reacting since only one of them has contacted me in any way shape or form. After twenty years I am surprised by that. I thoughtI was welcomed into the family and I was by his mom and sister... but as for the rest... I guess not so much. You find out very quickly who gives a sh-- in a situation like this.

There are several going away parties this week. The church is having a tea.... and my knit girls are throwing a bon voyage party and the spinners and weavers are coming hopefully to join us in that one since I don't have the ability to drive into town quite so readily anymore. I appreciate the going away parties as I will miss these folks but sometimes I wonder how I will get through it all since I am feeling pretty emotionally fragile right now. Like I will start crying any minute and never stop. but every time I do I think of the ocean and the beach and I think about all that is left to do and that nips it in the bud... but what about when I don't have anything to worry about and think about... hopefully there will always be something to think about.  I can't think back... that will just not do.

Whenever there is a moment's rest I stop resting and jump up and go go go.... if I don't I.... well we won't go there.

So here I sit and the day pans out before me... I have to phone the lawyer in Nfld and find out what she is up to since she is the one stirring the sh-- there. I have to call a surveyor in Nfld and see about sorting out the survey situation. I have to go to the bank and open my own account and get it set up on debit and find our about big transfers of cash in the next few weeks as I pay for a house and a car. I have to get the girls savings accounts set up so that they have debit cards and teach the correct way to balance an account. I have to pay off that blasted credit card and pick up some boxes and send our winter clothes through the mail to my sister's place in Nova Scotia so that I can haul that across to Nfld. I have to go to the school and find out about the girls transfer stuff. I have to get a fax # so that I can receive a fax and send a fax.... and then I have to start packing my parents house up. This Sunday coming we leave for Edmonton. I can't wait. I am looking forward to walking aboard the train on Monday night with Wesley under my arm and the Daughters by my side and my parents in tow... and I won't look back not even for an instant because if I do I know who I will see.... and I just don't want to see him as the train pulls out of the station.

Just keep looking forward.... somewhere ahead there have to be better things... like maybe a new home.

I live in hope....

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window

Let me introduce you to Wesley....

This is the story of Wesley...

Once upon a time there was a little old lady whose husband owned a store... this was many years ago. The husband decided that he needed to make his little general store to be a little bit of a classier establishment and so he decided to import from England some lovely ceramics. He brought in dishes and souptureens and cups and saucers and there were even some ceramic and decorative dogs.  Now this was during a time in the late 30's and early 40's when art deco was in style... among the ceramic dogs was one damn ugly green dog that no one in their right mind would ever buy. For many months the green dog sat on a shelf and no one even looked at it.... so the man who owned the store lowered the price. This happened over and over as time went by and the dog still did not sell. Finally one day he decided that he had had enough of the green dog sitting in his store and so he took it home to his wife. His wife took one look at it and decided that the best she could do for the green dog would be to sit it high on the top of her upright piano, toward the back where it's presence could be somewhat forgotten except on dusting day. The green dog sat there and day after day passed and soon weeks had passed and then months passed and then years passed.  The husband got sick and died and the old woman sat in the house by herself and her grown children were now gone from home and she was just rambling around in the house by herself and feeling rather lonely. Finally the old woman decided that it was time to close up her house and go and live with her daughter. So she did. Meanwhile the green dog sat on the piano now collecting dust. Eventually even the old lady died and her family came to pack up the house and because they had sold it. They went through each room cleaning out the things that had been left there years before. Finally they came to the parlour and there was the piano with the green dog sitting on the back of it. No body wanted the green dog. They were going to throw the darn thing in the garbage when the wife of one of the sons of the old lady said, "I kind of like it... it's strange but if you don't mind I will take it with me and I will find a place for it in my house." Everyone was relieved that they didn't have to deal with the green dog anymore and so they were happy to let the woman have it.

So the green dog found a new home... for many years the green dog sat on a shelf high up out of sight and just collected dust. Then one day it was packed into a box and shunted off to a new house because the family who owned it were moving.  When it was unpacked it once again was placed on a shelf and left to collect dust but by now the family that owned it were so used to the green dog that they had begun to kind of like the little guy. They would say things like, "that is the sorriest excuse for nice ceramics I have ever seen but it does have a cute face." And so the green dog began to finally find it's place in the family.

The green dog continued to collect dust as ceramic things do when you are not the most impressive house keeper but every so often someone would look at the green dog almost affectionately. One day the green dog got wrapped up again and packed into a box and when it got taken out again the woman who loved it decided to not put it on a shelf but to use it as a door stop. For many years the little green dog would get kicked out of the way every time someone would go into the bathroom. The green dog worked very hard for it's place in the family. But slowly the green dog became more and more an object of affection. Family members were growing up and moving away and the green dog continued to work as a door stop. Being ceramic it was a miracle that the green dog did not get broken, but it didn't. The lady who owned the dog was beginning to get older and soon it was time for retirement. Once again the green dog began to hear stories of moving and he knew that soon he would be wrapped again and sent off into a box to the next house.

He sat there politely holding the bathroom door open waiting for the day to arrive when he would be packed into a box. One day a junk dealer came to the house to buy old junk and he picked up the green dog and said, "I'll offer you two dollars for this green dog." The woman looked at the green dog and for a split second she thought well that has certainly passed it use so I think..... and she looked into the eyes of the green dog and in that moment the green dog became an item of affection.... and so the lady said... "oh that is not for sale since my mother-in-law used to keep that green dog on her piano." 

And so it came to pass that the movers once again came and the green dog was gently wrapped in proper packing and put into a box. This time the green dog spent many day in the box on a truck and when next the dog saw the light of day it was in a very different place. It was clear across the country in British Columbia.

The green dog was gently unwrapped and placed in the highest place of honour. The house that the green dog was living in had a large bay window. It was placed on a lovely lace doily and it was dusted regularly and there it sat in the window watching daily as visitors came and went. The green dog sat in the window for nine whole years until one day the lady's daughter came into the house crying because her jackass husband of twenty years had dumped her. The green dog's ears perked up and he listened intently to the younger woman bemoaning the fact that her arsewipe husband was such a dickwad and that she was leaving and going back to Nfld. The green dog knew he was in for it again... and he became really scared that this time because he thought he would get sold.

A month passed and finally preparations were made to go home to Nfld. Boxes were everywhere and still the green dog was not packed. The green dog began to get worried. Then one day he heard something that started to get him excited. The family were sitting together except for the Arsewipe husband and they were discussing their trip home. There was a fierce debate going on about all the things that are important and all the things that are not and what should be taken and what should be left behind. The lady who had taken the green dog off the piano so many years ago decided that the green dog was necessary to her being. The green dog felt great affection for the now older lady. The older lady who was starting to repeat herself kept saying that she couldn't forget the old green dog. More and more the green dog was liking her. The rest of the family were rolling their eyes but all of a sudden the younger woman who had been dumped by her husband came up with a brilliant idea.  They would take the green dog in their carry on luggage and it would become their mascot. They decided that they would take pictures of it as it was traveling across Canada with the family and they even hoped that a conductor on board the train would be willing to pose with the green dog and stand petting it as it looked out the window of the train.

Now the green dog needed a name.... they sat thinking of names but none of the names seemed to be right. It was later in the week when the younger woman went to visit a friend at the dump that she came home with a good name for the little green dog.... it was her friend at the dump who came up with the name. He was gently christened Wesley in the kitchen sink removing the dust and dirt of the earlier weeks of neglect and placed on an old rocking chair and for the first time in his life the little green dog now name Wesley was introduced to the world.

It was the beginning of his greatest adventure ever.

No Tears

I drove away.... by myself... I was still in the driveway when Sir Arsewipe and the girls headed off with another load of crap from the house. It felt strange to drive away from my home... surreal almost. After the last few days of cleaning and scraping and dusting and mopping and cleaning toilets and floors and windows and packing and pitching out crap and fighting and arguing as the pressure mounted... leaving the house was strangely anti-climactic. I got in the car and just left.  And I was alone... except for the dogs... and somehow that felt fitting. I had done everything possible to make that house a home and it hadn't worked and it was strangely characterless as I left. Dreamer stared out over the fence and I knew it was the last time I would see her since I would not be returning. Sir Arsewipe will pick her up this morning and remove her to her new digs. I had mopped my way out the door and I had sat on the deck in the old chair that needs to go to the knitter's group. (They will use it and LG says she is going to place a doll in the chair with knitting in her hands and think of me every time she looks at it. They will miss me especially LG.  One of those days I would love to have her come for a visit in Nfld but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I will miss them... they have all been such bricks for me.)  I sat on the deck waiting for the young couple who have bought our house... I wanted to give them the key and I was so pleased that I was able to have the house really nicely cleaned for them. The grounds were not as nice and Sir Arsewipe had to go back this morning for the horse and the canoes and some tools that he had borrowed from friends. But I drove out the driveway and I never looked back. When I got to the end of the road I looked right and then left and then right again and I headed down the road knowing that I would never turn that corner again. In away I am turning a new corner.  Jiggs and Narmie settled down and in a way I wished I could have turned left on the highway and not right and just kept driving until I was too tired to drive anymore. In some ways I wish I could have headed for Nfld and not looked back. In some ways I found it strange that I wasn't more torn up about leaving my sweet little home... but you see, I had already begun to look at that house as belonging to someone else.

I am taking my canoe with me. Michael had no plans for it and so I decided to take it with me. It will once again pass through Ontario where it got it's beginnings.... but then will head on to Nfld... I'm pretty sure it won't go beyond that. I'm pretty sure it will be there until it disintegrates into oblivion. I sit here in my parents kitchen tapping away at this computer and staring at the computer screen wondering how the girls are doing. I miss them. They are with their dad now and will be until they join me on Tuesday when their father goes back to school. They were so tired and stressed out after several of the hardest days they have ever had. They worked on the house with me like Trojans.  And when they left me last night neither of them was in the best mood. I think the stress and fatigue had joined forces to make them grouchy and mean. When they have rested they will be in better temper and I am thinking that they need a few days with their dad to be reminded of how he works.

School begins on Tuesday and all their friends will be going back to class and they will not. There is no point in registering them for classes when they will only have four days before they leave. They are happy to not be going to school yet. They are happy that they can miss the first month though I think Daughter #2 is worrying about missing so much especially with starting in a new school. She is worrying that her marks will reflect that.  Daughter #1 is not worried at all and thinks it is great to have the extra vacation.

Next up will be packing up Mom's and Dad's house. I am taking a well earned vacation today and putting my feet up. I will have to go to the store later and buy some dog food since Sir Arsewipe took all the dog food in the last minutes of leaving without a thought to the fact that I have fed his dog for the last month but apparently mine don't matter. So the poor guys are sitting this morning waiting for their bowls to sprout food.

I have a week of living with my parents here before we head home to Nfld... (I may go crazy in that time!)... there has been a bit of a boomerang in events in Nfld and I knew that I shouldn't have posted pictures of my house yet since  I knew I would be jinxing myself. Sure enough there is a problem with the survey. I guess the land that I am buying has been in the family for generations and no one really knows where the perimeters actually lie. It is a problem to buy such land without an adequate survey since resale might be an issue and could cost me a fortune to get a survey with having to find affidavits etc.... What a headache! I have also had an offer on Mom's and Dad's house and we have verbally accepted the offer. So now I am selling another house and I will have to have this one situated so that Sir Arsewipe will have next to nothing to do other than move out the last few things in this house after I am gone. When I leave and my divorce goes through I will have absolutely no connection with him other than what has to occur through the girls and a paycheck every two weeks. Who would have believed this only a few short months ago. He did... that's who.

Anyway, here I am at this house of ours that Mom and Dad have lived in for the last 9 years. It is small with only two bedrooms with parents who are used to living on their own. This will be a difficult time for the next few weeks... I am used to living on my own and it will be a huge adjustment to live with parents who are still trying to influence me and direct how I live. They think they have the right but it becomes very irritating when you are used to doing your own thing. When we get to the house in Nfld (if the sale goes through) I will set them up so that they have some autonomy as will the Daughters and I. And thank god for that! It will be a much needed autonomy.

So of the list of big things happening in my life, I have one completed. One house sold. I have moved all of my stuff. Now I am working on selling this house, and still working on buying one in Nfld. I have cashed in an RRSP so that I can pay off a joint credit card so that I can get my name off that before I go. Meanwhile there is a trip to Nfld looming, dogs to be vaccinated, kennels to be bought, luggage to be bought and packed,  computer to be bought, some boxes to be sorted and organized, movers to be arranged, banks to be notified of changes, and a car and utility trailer to be purchased in Nova Scotia. On it goes. I am sure I am going to be just about off my rocker soon... but then maybe I already am. If any potential employer ever wanted to see what I am capable of then they would just have to look at this few weeks of my life and see that I have the organizational skills enviable by the gods.

Mantra supreme: one step forward, one day at a time, all the time keep your chin up because if you don't see where you're going... you'll inevitably fall over a cliff, and believe me in life there are always cliffs.

Little House In The Big Peace

This is my last day here. Last night Daughter #1 went to her dad's to sleep since her bed now resides there. I miss her. Just as she was leaving for the night around 9 p.m. the lady who is going to find homes for Little Monster (the wee cat) and her kittens called to say that she was ready to take them and if we were able could we bring them by. I watched as the Daughters placed momma and her kittens in the box and we all said good bye to the sweet little cat that I raised from a new born kitten and handled only moments after she came out of her mom. It was hard to do, and there were tears.

It is early. I am showered and dressed and ready for the day. I had hoped for a sunny day since it is my last here. Not to be... the rain is coming down and suits my mood very well indeed. I have so much work to do and several hours of computer work before the computer is disconnected and placed in a box till we get to Nfld. But before I get to my work I decided on this post from the comfort of a computer as from now on til I get in Nfld I will have to be posting from my iPhone and no doubt mistakes will abound.

I have been ruminating on my home... my little log home... the home of my heart and the home of my dreams. For so many years when we moved to the Peace we were still a young couple... only married for just over 5 years. We had spent those years pouring money into someone else's pocket via rent. We really wanted a home of our own and for five more years we had to continue to rent. Finally we found a house that we both liked fairly well and we decided to buy. We went through all kinds of hell to come up with enough money for a down payment but buy it we did and it was good. Shortly after prices began to soar and we felt we had done very well to get something while the prices were still in our favour. Slowly this house appreciated in value and we watched our little home turn into a highly desired oasis. It was good.

But this house became more than a house of financial value.... somewhere along the lie our house became a home.  When does a house become a home? I can't say for sure but I loved this house and the surrounding area almost the minute I moved in... I knew that there would have to be changes made over the years to accommodate a growing family. For instance for the first three month the Daughters slept in our closet... and they couldn't stay there forever!

But we loved our new house regardless of the fact that there needed to be changes...

Everything was so barren when we moved in although I do have to say that we have lost so many of our old friends the pines. But our little home was sweet inside especially downstairs.

It was so bright and sunny and cheerful... but I knew that the kitchen had to change that first winter since there was burbur carpet on the floor and the only entrance to the house was  through it... every time someone came home from school there were boots and coats and back packs spilling all over the place and it was becoming a hazard. Tripping by the stove  was a regular occurance.  I didn't want to be harping on everyone all the time so things began to change.

Do houses become homes because of the changes? Cause if they do then we have certainly had plenty of those.

We brought in a log and closed off the cathedral ceiling so that we could have a bedroom for the Daughters... this was good, but then we needed the carpet taken out and flooring put down in the kitchen... so we did that and while we were at it we changed the fridge and stove so that the stove wasn't right in the area where everyone walks... I was terrified that one of the kids was going to fall and burn themselves badly on the oven door since it opened right in the pathway of the kitchen. There were still boots and coats all over the place and so I got the idea that a porch would be awesome and so to accommodate that we took out a window and put in a door, and in the process we lost our dining area.

In the process of moving the fridge and stove we had lost our pantry and so we decided to build a new on where the stove had been... it was not a hard task.... but we had a huge fight. That was the beginning.


We took off the steps to the house and moved them over to the new door and built on a new deck.  We both wanted the deck. It was done while I was enjoying my first sojourn to Olds.

But the deck became an oasis and soon we were not only happy with it but really glad that we had done it... We probably should have stopped there but we had always talked about an addition since the house was so small... and the girls were getting bigger and the fights due to sharing a room were becoming unbearable. We went to the bank and got a loan to accommodate the addition and lifting the roof to make the rooms upstairs better. By this time Sir Arsewipe had already left me in spirit. But he seemed fine and we were getting along through it all so well. It was being done by someone else and Sir Arsewipe only had to put on the finishing touches. I was helping. But our little house had become a home... a real home one that could take us into the future as a family of adults if we could just get the rest of the work done.

And so we worked on it and we both worked hard. But always I thought it was that we were doing the work together and making something better for all of us.  I thought we were both into it.

Every summer we would do a little bit more and sometimes we would work on it on spring vacation and so on... finish one job and on to the next.... soon we were starting to see real progress... we were getting there.

I was getting to be really proud of our odd little home that we had worked so hard on... And then.....


Perhaps I was too proud... but I know I loved it here in this little wee house... and it had become a home... we had lived in it to the best of our ability, with all the joys and sorrows that go with being a family.  We had gone through fun times and illnesses and losing pets and fights and makeups and pleasures and pains. It was the home of my heart. But I guess it wasn't the home of his.

So to get back to what I first stared to say.... what is it that makes a house a home...

Is it the Christmas trees enjoyed.

Or the family Christmas pictures taken....

Including the goofy ones...

Or more serious ones...

Is it the stockings hung...

Or the garlands strung...

Is it the gifts opened...

Is it the parties had....

Is it the meals served...

and the food cooked....

or the tea consumed....

or the dishes washed...

is it the wool spun or dyed or woven or taught....

Is it the barns built, or the gardens kept, or the decks decorated....

is it the animals cared for....

is it the illnesses cared for...

or is it the snow that fell....

or your husband being a goof ball....

Maybe it is watching your children grow to maturity....

I thought that we had it all in this wee home...

I'm not sure what makes a house a home... I have tried so hard to make the best home possible for my family... it hurts to look around and see that it was all such a resounding failure. But I will not be making a home for him anymore... I will instead do my absolute best to make a home for myself and my girls in the best way that I can.  This house was my home... but I am ready to leave it now... and though these last few months have been filled with heartache... a heartache that was initiated due in part to this house... I will always look back on this house as the home of my heart. I have lived in 18 different buildings and I can safely say that this ones was the best... the one I loved the most... the one I am sorry in so many ways to leave. I think what makes a house a home is the love that was found there and for my part I loved the hardest and the best in this house.

I wonder if I will ever find one as close to my heart as this one was. It is the first home I ever owned and I owned it with the man I loved the most and my two most beautiful children. It is the home where I passed from being a young woman to a middle aged woman. The things that pass in your younger years never happen again. It makes it that much more poignant.