Motherhood Struggles

All year I have been watching as Daughter #1 becomes much more independent. Daughter #2 is growing up too. Daughter #2 will be going into high school next fall. This is her last year as an elementary student. I will watch her go off to her first day of high school just as I watched Daughter #1 do last fall. Both of them have had their ups and downs in school this year as they do each year, but I am proud of both of them they have done outstandingly well (knock wood).

Daughter #2 has, at the end of this week coming a camping trip to a nearby outdoor learning centre. She has gone there many times before, so I am not overly anxious about it besides it is only a half hour ride from our home and if anything should ever go wrong, then it would only be a short ride to go and pick her up.

Daughter #1 has, at the end of this week, a bit of a longer trip. She will be heading off with the Academic Ethics Honour Group for a trip to a location about 14 hours away. I am anxious. She is almost 15 so I am trying (really hard) to remember what it was like when I was 15, to go off with a group from school for trips of this nature. She will be having a grand old time at different venues but I'll be honest.... I can't wait till she gets back. Teapot doesn't seem to be worried at all and I know you can't hold on to them forever.... you have to let them go eventually ..... but I'll be honest.... it's really hard. 'What If' rears it's ugly head in my mind on a regular basis. It is easy for bad things to happen.

Being a parent has never come easy for me.... from my earliest struggles of being just about thirty and having had two previous miscarriages and worrying if I would ever have a child and for that matter if I was ready to have a child, to struggling with the idea that at some point I was going to have to pass something about the size of a good sized Honeydew melon through a portion of my body that didn't look like it could stretch that far, to sitting on the floor of the porch crying because preparing for a trip to the Doctor's office for a check-up was not going to happen after baby had spewed its guts over itself for the fifth time. None of parenting has been fun but I can safely say that having children was the best achievement of my life. Winning a Noble Peace Prize wouldn't have come close. Parenting has been the scariest, most heart stopping roller coaster ride I have ever been on while at the same time it has been the hardest, most exhausting thing to figure out more so than.... well I don't know what.

Two days ago a close friend of my family had a grandson die at the age of 18 in a car accident and it is at times like this that I reflect on my children and how much I want to hold on to them and keep them safe. You want to keep them close but in doing so, you are doing them no favours. They need to get out and see the world and experience things for themselves. You can't just keep them wrapped in a bow and sitting on a shelf to take down and hug when the mood strikes. That's not how it works. They are not yours no matter what you think.... you may have brought them into the world but as soon as that cord was cut they became their own and that needs to be celebrated.

So Daughter #1 will go off on her trip..... and I will think about the bus and an accidents and the tents and tornadoes and getting lost in the malls and being coaxed to go off with a stranger and never finding them again. I will think all sorts of horrible things but mostly I will hope... hope that my Daughter comes back to me safe and sound and that her life will be full of wonder and pleasant discoveries as she walks the same walk of independence that I once took.

Daughter #2 will soon be in the same position but in the mean time I will hold on a little longer as I won't be able to much longer.

I think I will go and give them a great big hug.