Moving...

Our house has met all requirements to close. The offer on the house in Nfld has now been signed by both parties, so that for all intents and purposes our move to Nfld. is a go.  I have tickets for the train... I have been looking at cars in Nova Scotia... the only thing left is the divorce and the movers. Something bad came up today which means that it looks like we won't be able to move our stuff. I have shown Mom and Dad's mobile home... so hopefully if that sells then we can move all of our stuff then. I would hate to lose some of the things that mean so much and have been in my family for so many years but we may have to sell it all and start over. The something bad was very unforeseen.  I try to make sure that I have all my bases covered but sometimes you take a hit and you just don't see it coming... but we are still hopeful that it will all work out in the end. We will see soon enough though.

Sir Arsewipe still works on the house. The silly man said he would be finished on Friday and then he said Sunday and then it was Monday and now it is Wednesday and he still has a day of work to do. Tomorrow we have to go to Dawson Creek for legalities with the sale of this house so he won't be finished then either. We also start negotiations on spousal and child support. I absolutely fear tomorrow... for a number of reasons. Firstly because I will find out what I am going to have to live on for the next few years... also because I have to sit in the truck alone with a man that I haven't been alone with for more than two months. I will bring along a book and my headphones so that I can listen to some music and if all goes well I won't sleep tonight which will mean that as soon as I get in the truck in the passenger seat I will fall asleep. That would be good because then we won't have to talk.

Next morning...
I wrote all of that yesterday evening and then pooped out and went to bed before I could finish. I have been awake since 2 a.m. because as I suspected my mind wouldn't stop working on problems that I have to overcome. I am so very hopeful that mom's and dad's place will sell because that is the only way we are going to get our junk home. Mostly I am concerned about dad's chair and the antiques and the personal stuff like photos and Christmas stuff... after that I really couldn't care less. It is all so hopeless... I look at Sir Arsewipe and wonder how I could have been so happy only a few short months ago when everything has turned upside down and inside out.  It really hurts to think about it all and so I try to not think about it at all. I have decided that men are not worth my tie and it doesn't matter what the bible says about divorce because most men are pond scum and I am better off on my own. So there you have it... I have become the bitter hag that I was hoping to avoid.

My great grandmother Leah Sanger had insurmountable problems in her life and she lived to be a  very old lady who seemed happy enough. I've always felt a connection with her story. Somehow I see my life playing out similar to hers. She was married and had five children and lost her husband to Diphtheria I think it was... but some illness... and so she remarried someone that she liked well enough who would take care of her and her children. She was the spinner in the family and had a huge great wheel in her kitchen. she read the bible every day but couldn't read a word... still people would catch her sitting in her rocker with the bible in her hands upside down and she could repeat her bible verses easily... she couldn't read a word but that's what she would say she was doing... she was reading her bible. then her second husband died and she was left to fend for herself...In those days Newfoundland had not become a part of Canada and so there were no widows pensions or money when your husband died. You lived off the sweat of your back and luck and kindness. She lived on fish that fishermen would bring to her or trout that she could catch... potatoes and carrots and turnip that she grew in her garden... and berries that she picked in the fall of the year. Occasionally she would get a bit of money from her oldest son who worked away in Boston. Then as her other children grew up they would help her. Once Newfoundland became part of Canada and old age pension was available she thought she had died and gone to heaven.  Then her daughter contracted tuberculosis and she couldn't afford to send her to the sanatorium and so she died too. My great grandmother was so strong to have survived all these horrible deaths. But she was strong... very strong. She picked berries all through berry picking season and made jams and tarts and things that she could eat all through the winter. My mother remembers her walking along the Catalina road and off into the berry picking grounds with a bag over one shoulder with a kettle and a few teabags and a can of milk and berry picking buckets that she could fill. And that is how she lived. When she died in the early 1960s just a few years before I was born she had reached the ripe old age of 92. She was buried quietly in the back of the cemetery with no stone to mark her passing... I know where she is buried but I do not know exactly... just approximately. 

Well I had better get my butt in gear since I will be picked up by Sir Arsewipe in approximately 10 mins... I need to get a bite to eat and pack my stuff in a bag that I will need... you know marriage certificate... not that it's worth the paper it's written on but I guess you need at times of divorce. Then I need that book and those earphones... desperately... Wish me luck... I'm off...

Dogs And Cats

As soon as I found out that Sir Arsewipe was a lying cheating useless piece of scum and that divorce was inevitable... I knew that there had to be some decisions made about pets. I knew right away that Narmin and Jiggs would be coming with me. I didn't want Bailey because she had never bonded with me and I know that dog is going to require energy to make her into a decent dog... energy that I just couldn't commit and besides she had bonded with Sir Arsewipe and so I felt that he could take her. Then there were our two cats. Cat number one is a 13 year old male that is as mild mannered as could possibly be. Cat number two is a 1 year old female that was as pregnant as could be. Cats do not move well. I know that from years of trying to force cats to do things that they just don't want to do... like travel. I really like our old black male cat but he has never known any other house than this one and the poor bugger is going to find it hard enough to move up the road let alone across country. I figured Sir Arsewipe would be ok with taking him since he has always had a soft spot for Midnite. But what to do with the kitten... again I felt that it would be easier on the cat if Sir Arsewipe took her... then she had her kittens... seven. Her first litter. Four died right off the bat because she is only tiny herself and I wasn't surprised that she just wasn't able to take care of them. The three remaining are all alive and well. Two are females and one is a male. Daughter #1 loves cats and she really wanted to take one of the kittens with her but now we find out that Sir Arsewipe is not able to take any of the cats and so they are all looking at being put down, or off to the SPCA, or there is this dreadful problem of trying to find a home for them.  We are even looking into flying the old caat across Canada so that we don't have to put him down. Either way the young one and her litter are not coming with me... this is a problem.

I am not a cat person. They are ok as long as someone else owns them or if they are in my house then they have to understand that they have a limited area in which to be. I am allergic to cats and as long as I keep a distance, as long as I do not have carpets and can clean out their dander regularly, as long as they are trained to go out doors to do their business, I can tolerate them.We have an understanding Midnite and I... he stays away from me and I feed him and make sure he has a bed on cold nights in the winter. Summer time he catches mice and I make sure he is fed and has good clean cold water available to him... it is a good understanding.

The thing is that we will be traveling by train. We are allowed to take the dogs with us as long as they are in kennels that meet the regulations. It will cost us only a little to take them on the train but they will have to be in the cargo area and we will have to feed and water them regularly and then we will have to make sure that at the longer stops that they are taken on their leashes and walked for exercise and their bathroomities. but to take a cat on the train is not going to happen... no way no how... never ever...!Sir Arsewipe is looking into sending it across country... on a plane. God what we do for our pets.

Sometimes I wish I could just get in a car and leave but that is not possible with the health problems that Pops has. he has to have his feet elevated for more than a few hours each day. he has to have time when he is comfortable. he cannot deal with driving for more than tree to five hours a day. That would mean that we would be on the road for three weeks. Everyday driving... with hotels each night... not happening... and so we travel via train... dogs in tow... and cat to follow by plane later. God what in the f-ing world has this shit I married got me into....?

I just have to remember one day at a time... one foot in front of the other. But I will be honest I can't wait till this mess is behind me.

Help!!! I'm drowning....

It's Newfoundland or bust!!! I wish the pets could just drive themselves!!

O Give Me A Home

So what did you all think of my poem... I had a good laugh writing it because though I exaggerated, the story itself is not made up!  Mmmmmm... fish and fly soup...still in the fridge if anyone wants some. : ) I have been noticing that the grasshoppers though not as bad as some years are still pretty darn bad... the flies... well you can't leave the door open at all and you had better make sure that food is in air tight containers. Hornets, the darlings... they are all over they house and I can't close the doors because Sir Arsewipe is still working on getting the house done so he comes and goes with wood or tools at will. As of today he hopes to be finished. I hope so too because quite frankly I'm tired of him being here and having to watch every thing that comes out of my mouth.  Daughter #2 took off and went to a friend's house last night but Daughter #1 and I sat around and had custard and cake... (made with corn flour and potato flour...it was ok I guess ... but the custard was good). I think I am looking forward to the end of this day.

I am out of boxes and have to go to the grocery store to get more today. The packing continues and while I didn't get all of the stuff packed on the deck that I had planned on doing, I did get some of my kitchen stuff done. Some progress is better than none. I still haven't tackled the fleeces in the shed because I don't want to go at that while there is sawdust everywhere. The last thing I want to do is have to pick fleeces in Nfld because they are full of sawdust that they got contaminated with here. the shed remains a dreadful mess. Still, slowly but surely there are fewer and fewer things in the shed to come out. I am glad of that. I can't wait to get the shed cleaned out because once that's done then that's when we are going to have a huge garage sale. Still the 31st which is our closing date is looming closer and closer. It scares me how quickly that date is creeping. Today being the 20th of August means that in terms of daylight we are equivalent to April 21st. I'm not sure why that is so daunting but it is.

I've been wanting to use the above painting for a few days now but since I have been so focused on going back east to the shore and the ocean I really couldn't find a good reason to use it so today I am using it just because I like it. And well it does remind me a little bit of Farrel Creek which is a farming area close by to where I am living now. It is something that I will be leaving behind when I go. I've always loved to pass the fields of buffalo because it reminds of the days when bison roamed this country freely. No fences and no boundaries. There's something appealing about that.

Freedom is an intoxicating concept... I'm not sure it is a real thing but still I like to think that somewhere there is true freedom. I have contemplated the idea many times and I often wonder if it is possible to find such a thing. I know I have never found it and never will that is because my family are far more of a priority to me than freedom. If you have even one person relying on you then you cannot have true freedom... not if you take your responsibilities seriously.

I also love the above painting for the colours. As soon as I saw it, the sky reminded me of a Kaffe Fassett piece of knitting. I wouldn't mind designing an afghan based on these colours.

This morning I woke to the sound of the chickadees swarming the last of the Saskatoon berries in the bushes between the house and the old chicken coop. there were quite a few berries this year but I didn't pick them for one because I'm not dreadfully fond of Saskatoons but also because I will have no reason to store any this year and picking them and just eating them is not to our liking. Normally I would freeze them when I got them and make pies but since I can't eat gluten in wheat pies kind of seem pointless.  anyway I loved the sound of the chickadees... i wonder if they will be around in Nfld... Now I know you're wondering about that since of course there are chickadees in Nfld. But they do tend to be further inland than right on the coast and you did see the pic of my (hope-to-be)property in yesterday's post... not a bush to be seen anywhere... but lovely grasses. There will be shore birds I'm sure... but what else I don't know.  Definitely the sea... the sea oh the wonderful sea...

So let's see... today, as an ending to this post, I will post a couple of paintings of birds... those that I am leaving behind and those that I expect to see.

Poetry again...

Here to read the latest... this one's funny!

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

I've been thinking... with being so close to the water, if I get this house that I have made the offer on, perhaps it is time to buy myself a wee dory.

Row, row, row your boat,
H'up and down the bay,
Don't stand up and rock the boat,
'Cause that's a big mistake!

I am not a person who has a lot of prowess when it comes to boats but I can paddle a canoe pretty good and I can learn to row a dory.  Now I've seen dories that look like this....

But I think that would be more than I can handle....

I'm looking for something more like this...

I think that if I could find the right boat, I might just be inclined to go for a row up and down the shore a little way or at least around the harbour on a regular basis.

You see the house on which I have made an offer is right next to the shore..... perhaps I can allow myself the luxury of at least showing you all the view without jinxing myself....

Daughter #1 wants to kayak out to the wee island to picnic from time to time. I'm inclined to agree with her that it might be fun to do something like that... thus the idea for the dory.

I have been watching the weather in Newfoundland like any good Newfoundlander would do... I've packed my Great Grandfather's brass barometre and it shall hang in my living room and help me gauge the weather systems... I expect to watch many interesting storms blow up out on those waters. It is important for anyone who uses a boat around the shores of Newfoundland to be aware of the weather... it is so easy to run into problems that are weather related and many a person has had accidents because they were too complacent about the weather.

By the way, can't you see lupins and iris' growing in among the wild grasses in the picture?  I think  it's just lovely.  And I can almost smell the salt air and the briny seaweed that I'm sure abounds... and there will be plenty of fires in a ring of stones... or on a rock, as the case may be down by the shore. I look forward to it, I really do.

At this point anything uplifting is much appreciated so visualizing a home of my own that doesn't have Sir Arsewipe in it is a powerful thing indeed. He comes and goes daily now and is down to the last little bit of work to be done. I expect that he will be finished with the renos by tomorrow. The sad thing is that according to his Facebook status apparently he thinks that he will be able to sit back and relax and enjoy a few days of doing next to nothing but I will not be packing anymore of his crap and so he has to know that the work actually will only have just begun. He will be packing what's out in the shed that belongs to him and he will have to get the JCR and Ranger stuff that has been stored in the shed for the last umpteen years. Suffice it to say that if he expects me to do his stuff too then he is sadly mistaken and if he doesn't do it then I will go in with the help of a few friends and I will throw the whole lot of it in a pile in the yard and after pouring some gasoline on it I will light a match and that will be that. Problem solved.

We barely tolerate each other now... and since I have found out all the dirty stuff that I have found out, I can't bear to have him brush up against me.... I feel absolutely soiled when that happens.  Two nights ago Sir Arsewipe's mother called... I didn't get the call at the time because I was making my now famous fish chowder in the kitchen but she did leave a message on my phone.  When I heard her voice... it was so full of anguish... it really broke my heart all over again. The problem with divorce is that it doesn't just affect the wife and children but all the extended family too. My parents are so completely horrified by all of this... my poor mom, who thought the sun shone on her son in law and continually talks about how he stayed behind in the parking lot of the church on Christmas eve to make sure that she got her van started and got home alright and how he would come at a moment's notice to help with her computer and how he would shovel the driveway for them... and all the while he was bearing resentment in his heart.... I know that because sometimes it would come out with me and while he tried to make a joke of it with me I realize now that that resentment went far deeper and he was doing those things out of obligation and not willingness. Then Dad is horrified to know that Sir Arsewipe was being cruel about his illness behind our backs... illness is not something you can control and you take help when you need from whatever factor as you need it because you have no other choice... but I think if Dad had known how much Sir Arsewipe was resentful of having to lift Dad and help him when he was really sick last winter, I think he would have never allowed it... Mom is reeling in shock but Dad bears a bitter hatred in his heart toward the man who so thoroughly let me, and indeed all of us, down and lied and cheated so completely.  So I know that his mom is hurting too... how can you not hurt when you see someone you love being so destructive.

Anyway our moving date is looming closer and closer and the need to pack and work continues and so we must tolerate each other for a while yet.... I will be so glad when it is all over and I can put this place, this person, this life behind and see the rocky shores for which I long. A balm to my soul, and hopefully a place of peace I am hoping that this community by the shore will become for me.

And so I plan ahead.  I look at paint colours and I look at types of flooring and I look at boats and I think about flowers and trees I can plant... and I plan and I hope and I pray....  and I thank God today for a good imagination.

  

Getting Closer

Yesterday I took the girls into town so that we could go to the newest Bourne movie... it was awesome. Totally loved it. I had my doubts that the director could pull off a new Bourne movie without Matt Damon but he did it and wow... what an awesome job. I came out with my expectations exceeded.  Wouldn't it be great to write a book that so captures people's minds that a series of movies are made based on your ideas.

When I got back last night the fellow who is buying our house showed up with a swing set that he wanted to set up for his kids. That's awesome. That means that things are looking really good that everything will go through. He told me that he has met two of the three requirements including getting the financing, in order to fill the bill with our contract. The only thing holding us up now is the sign off on the inspection after Sir Arsewipe finishes the renos. He is two or three days away from having that done. At that point the buyer will come and have a look and if he likes what he sees then he will sign off and we are that much closer to leaving for Nfld. I want to post pictures of where we are going but still I fear jinxing us. So I will wait and continue with my ocean/coast paintings which are all  similar images to the ones I expect to see either once we get there or on our way there.  I haven't heard from my real estate agent in NL and so I will contact him today to see if everything is a go there. When last I talked to him, they were sending my offer to be signed by the vendor of the house that I want down there. I haven't heard anything since. So I am waiting patiently but I think it is time to find out more.  My real estate agent is on vacation so that may be some of the problem.

I have gotten an estimate for the movers to come and pack us up and move our stuff across Canada... ouch! $17,000.00. So I will be selling more of our stuff. Daughter #2 has decided to give up her big double bed but perhaps she can have one of the ones down there when we get there. the house that I am buying will have some furniture that comes with it. Thanks heavens for that. Still, I will have to buy a washer and dryer almost as soon as I get there. It is a fearsome prospect... all the bustling activity that will be ours for the next few months scares the living daylights out of me. I am still hoping that everything will fall into place and that we do not have any hiccups. If you believe in that kind of thing... for heaven's sake say a prayer for me.

Yesterday I finished clearing out my bedroom and the balcony which I had been using to store wool and my spinning and weaving supplies. Now all that's left to pack in there,  is my clothes that's not coming with me and my personal stuff in the bathroom. Next job today is to tackle the bags of alpaca and sheep wool in the shed and see what's worth taking and what's not. My sun room is now choked with boxes and furniture that we will be taking with us.  I am also planning on boxing up the deck decorations today. So things are moving along and each day brings new things to do and new things to think about.

We have our train tickets and we are booked to go out of Edmonton on the night of the 10th of September. I am not sure if we are leaving here on the 9th or the morning of the 10th, but we have to be in Edmonton at 10 p.m. on the 10th. I am beginning to think about the train trip... this is something that I have always wanted to do.I am so glad that we have decided to go across Canada on the train. I am sorry I am not sharing this once in a lifetime trip with my husband but then he won't be my husband by then and frankly he hasn't been for a long time. I am bringing my suitcase with my spinning wheel and my spinning paraphernalia and a good supply of wool so that I can sit on the observation deck and spin as the country goes by... it will be a phenomenal experience I am sure.  I am so glad that the girls are going to get to do this too since Sir Arsewipe and I have not given them many traveling experiences over their lives. Mom and Dad and their health worry me but I'm sure it would be better than driving for two weeks that would put us all in a really bad frame of mind. By the time we got to Nova Scotia we would be ready to eat each other alive I'm sure.

So things are starting to come together... I just hope that I am able to get everything packed and ready for the movers.

Faith

As a child I had a vehemence for God that only the young can bear. I really believed that God was all around me in everything I saw and did (and I still believe that).... that He was a personal God that would come to my aid and pick me up when I was down. He didn't disappoint... at least not then.

In recent years God and I have had a more subdued relationship.  Until three years ago I had been given a calling to reach as many people as I could through the practice of lay preaching. I had even begun to bring the reserve sacrament to shut ins. It felt like something that I should be doing and more importantly something that I wanted to do. But there came a point when the church decided in their wisdom (little bit of sarcasm there) to take away the power to take communion to those who have need of it. I lost the ability to offer the reserve sacrament to people though no fault of my own, and I began to get weary of the preaching because it was taking it's toll on me and I felt that I desperately needed a break. And so I stepped down as a lay preacher at St. Peter's here in HH. For the first year I put my feet up and didn't even bother to go to church because I felt that I really needed to step back from the church and relax for a while. I felt that God knew I had given as much of me as I could and that He would forgive me some indulgences. Then after a year I started to feel the inclination to go to church once again but as a parishioner and not as one of the movers and the shakers. By then we had visiting clergy coming in the form of a south African gentleman who preached for the Lutheran church. Our church is four denominational... Anglican, United, Lutheran and Presbyterian. I had been brought up as an Anglican but I began to take great pleasure in the sermons of this Lutheran Minister and found so much to learn and benefit me.  For the first time in years I felt that I was making progress again in my faith.

Since my separation with Sir Arsewipe I have looked around me and struggled with my relationship with God.  How could He have let this happen.... how could He have not intervened on my behalf... how could He not be with me.  I have begun writing, sometimes two or three times a day, a prayer to God.  It is my own book of Psalms... psalms that I write myself.  I realize that He is with me... all the time... but God and I have become like an old couple. We sit in our rockers on the front veranda and watch the sun setting but we really don't have much connection anymore. I reach out to Him but he is not listening.... He reaches out to me and I cannot give Him what he wants. He has been too demanding... and as a result I have become too resentful.

I have struggled with that... I am struggling with that.

But human beings are nothing more than a dichotomy of challenges and complex characteristics. We are fickle.... one of our greatest sins. I think it is better to sit in the rocker and be together than to turn our faces away from each other. God would never turn His face from me... but as a human I have faults enough... I am sure I could be lured.

So, where do you go from that?