Alone

I have been reading some of the blogs that I follow this morning... more and more I am finding that I am getting back into my old routine. For most of the summer since Sir Arsewipe left I wasn't able to concentrate on anything and I wasn't able to focus or move on because I was so consumed with the big "D" and knowing that his Arseholeness had dumped me so unceremoniously. But our move back home to Nfld. Is slowly turning my mind to other things and more and more I am feeling like my old self... my sense of humour has not yet returned and I miss that so if you see my sense of humour give it a kick in the arse and tell it I need it back. Because I am able to be more myself, I am able to take pleasure in the things that I always used to again... at least sometimes. I still cannot sit through wedding scenes in movies and even love scene somehow disturb me. I have to get up and leave, usually going to the kitchen to cook or clean or do something physical.

One of the blogs that I was reading this morning was talking about travel as a way of broadening your connection with those of other cultures. She talked about a connectedness between people based on similar experiences, relating a story about how she used the wrong kind of plug in her hair dryer while traveling in Europe and in so doing, inadvertently shorted out the electricity in the inn in which she was staying. When the inn keeper came running up the stairs to see what had happened they both looked at each other and said at the same time, "kaput", meaning that the power had gone out due to her mistake. The fact that Kaput meant the same thing in both of their languages gave them an understanding that might not otherwise have been there.

Essentially we go through our lives alone. This has been a consuming knowledge for me in the last few years that no matter how connected you feel to someone else there are always parts of their mind and soul that you can never reach... or at least if you reach them you never know if you have. It has been resoundingly driven home to me in the last little while how true this is since I had no idea how far removed from me Sir Arsewipe had become. You are born alone and you die alone, because these are things that people cannot do with you. Each and every one of comes into this world alone.... we go through this world seeking to make connections as best we can... always drawn to others if we are right in the head because the essence of us is seeking to be connected to another.

I watched the movie "Alone In The Wilderness" which chronicles the life of Dick Proenneke who spent the last 35 years of his life in the wilderness of Alaska alone because he wanted to see if he could manage it. His story has intrigued me like no other. I wondered if it was possible for a woman to survive on her own as he did.

Women have it drilled into their heads from the time that they are very young that they must rely on a man to be successful and able. I see that as very unfortunate since it has been my experience that women are quite capable of doing for themselves without men... yes sometimes it takes creative thinking to do some of the things that men would normally do, but when has that ever stopped a woman?  At one point Sir Arsewipe said that he felt that I was with him not because I loved him but because of what he could do for me. Needless to say I was horrified that he felt that way. I wondered how I could have portrayed such a wrong image of how I felt. But it is the alone-ness that I was talking about earlier... the unconnected-ness that we always feel that I think is at the base of such feelings. We are never able to see into the hearts of others and it is so important to portray the feelings that you have correctly. I thought about what Sir Arsewipe said and I felt so bad that he had thought so little of me that he could think such a thing... but then he has been thinking these thoughts about me far longer than I realized and he has come to terms with what he thought was reality long before I ever came to that point. One thing is for sure, Sir Arsewipe and I are wholly unconnected now.

The alone-ness of my future is what scares me more than anything... I feel like Dick Proenneke entering the challenge of a wilderness complete with no relief in sight.  When I speak of alone-ness I know that there are so many people who are willing to help me but there is a difference between the fellowship of friends and the fellowship of soul mates and therein lies the problem. I do not have a person that I can say I can completely rely on. There are more things than physical things which I will face as I go forward into this new future. There are all the things that life dishes out to you as you move through this world. There are losses of family members and illness and empty nest syndrome which you look to your spouse to be your rock.  When you divorce the person who is moving on finds that with the person that they are moving on with... the person who gets dumped is left bereft of that kind of support.

So I move into this new future with aging parents and children who are on the brink of their own lives and I realize that the loyalty which should be mine is not there and I am truly alone in this world. Those of us who find ourselves single are taken for granted... we are expected to just do it... and we do do it... but it is a harsh reality to not have the support that so many take for granted.

I will go into this future alone and as I was when I was born and as I will be when I die, I will survive on my own... alone.

If you take anything with you from my story take this... make all the connections you can in this life because even though we are ultimately alone... it is good to be connected to as many others as you can be in what ever way you can be. Kaput!

Poetry

Some days there is no point in trying to do anything creative because it will turn into a crap heap.  I got up this morning and stared at this screen for a long time... then I surfed the internet. I find it really hard to spin or knit or weave... too constructed. So I didn't think that any creativity would be successful today. But it is weird how things come on you...

Recently, I have not wanted to spin or weave or knit because it feels too constructive and not free flowing enough.  Poetry which is always a good outlet is generally a formed thing and too constructive. Instead I have wanted to apply paint to canvas... the feel of the paint sliding over the canvas fulfills the creative need in me I am working on a new painting.... the first time in a long time that I have laid down paint in any way. I started the other day with a coat of underlay to cover the paint on the painting that I had created a while back... one with which I have not been happy. But it is not finished as is normal... it takes time to work through a painting. today I thought about that painting that I started the other day and thought that might be my successful outlet for creativity today. Wrong!

Meantime I have wanted creativity in my life again and for the last while I have felt dry... shriveled up inside where it counts... So I am feeding that side of me again and it is working.... sometimes it doesn't feel like it is working well but at least it's working a little... and so I wrote a poem... it is not one of my better ones but it will do.


You can check it out.... here

Easy Come, Easy Go, Walk On

Love this pic and I had forgotten how easy it is to get Lupins to grow in Nfld... there is a fence that looks like it needs some help on the property that I hope to buy... so maybe I will have the fence pulled out and plant a whole hedge of Lupins....that would be lovely.

I have been surfing a little this morning trying to find a little inspiration for this morning's post. We are down to the wire now trying to get things finished on the last vestiges of the renovation in time to meet the requirements of our agreement with our buyers. Daily, Sir Arsewipe is trying to get things finished as I pack and sort and go through things. I am starting today on the shed and all things fleecy. There will be a fair bit I suspect that will be chucked and then there will be some that I sell and then I will probably send a lot to Nfld for the time when I am able to get it processed and then I will spin it in the future I guess. So I don't have lots of time to get creative here but I do like to post still each day if I can. I saw this picture this morning and thought how nice the Lupins are and then I remembered how easy it is to get Lupins to grow in Nfld... I just have to try to have a hedge of Lupins around my house if I can... I can just imagine the bumble bees I would attract and how good it would be for polination... something that needs all the help it can get these days.


Things seem to be coming together in the last few days nicely but a lot stems on the fact that Sir Arsewipe is down to the hour when the renos need to be finished and there is still far more to be done than I like to admit to.  But we'll get it done supposing that I have to step in and help... that is one of the jobs I am contemplating today. Then, as in all things that we have done in our marriage (except for the adultery), we will work on the sorting and packing, together (yuck)... Getting it done will happen come hell or high water.

The other day I had to go to FSJ for the Fairways Divorce Solutions next installment in our path through the big "D" which was the "What Is The Law Seminar"  we were late finishing up and Daughter #1 and I went to my friend's house for dinner (which was lovey by the way)! We never left her house till 9 p.m. and headed home with thunder all around threatening.... as I got to the turn off for the HH road the lightning was horendous but I could see that the direction in which I was going looked to be clearer. I drove along enjoying the spectacular bolts of lightning streaking across the sky. There is a point at which you enter the Peace Valley and it is called the Bear Flats hill where there are cut backs and one of the most twisting roads down the side of a hill that I have ever seen. It is about 6 kilometres from top to bottom. When you get to the top of the hill there is a beautiful panoramic view of the valley with the rocky mountains in the distance and it has never failed to inspire and provoke feelings of amazement. This time it did not fail in that department for sure.  I stopped at the top of the hill and looked out over the valley and the sun was setting ahead of us. The sky was painted with gold at the horizon and pinks above and the purples above that. The gold of the last bits of sunlight was suffusing the valley and gave it a halo that turned the hay and canola fields to pinkish golden hue. Directly behind me were the black and purple storm clouds with sharp silver bolts of lightning streaking across the sky every so often. Directly over my head was the most spectacular and defined rainbow that I have ever seen. I couldn't believe how God could paint the sky with so many different colours at one time. It was as if he was giving me a good bye gift. There was the river snaking off to the mountains in the west and all this beautiful colour above my head. It entered my soul and I had to thank God for giving me such a beautiful opportunity to see this valley one last time in all its glory. And it was glorious. I did manage to snap a couple of pics but I am afraid that they just did not do it justice...

As I was surfing the web this morning, I thought about that moment when I was looking at the valley below me and I thought about the Site C dam and I thought that perhaps I might never see this valley again... I certainly would never see it as it is now.  I am pretty sure that next time, (if there is one), when I come to visit there will be a lake instead of a river.  I also came across a blog that was written by an expat Nflder that caught my interest because the woman who writes it uses as her mantra the title of the post I am writing today. I am not sure that "it" is easy come and easy go... I am thinking that it is more hard come and hard go... but the walk on part is right.... sometimes you have no other choice. So, "walk on one step at a time, one day at a time" is a better mantra for me. I just wish I could add to it a more positive spin... maybe chin up should be part of it too.

Life is normalizing. I do still have moments when I think about the love I had for that man... the love I gave him freely and the devotion I felt to our lives together and I feel very sad... and I cry. I also feel anger that he could throw it all away so easily and cast me out onto this stormy sea that I am drifting in with no anchor. I look at him and I see him standing on a safe shore while I know not where the tides and currents will take me, and I feel so resentful that he could do something so bad and suffer so little. He will come out of this just fine with his new love and his job and life intact... and so will I hopefully... but it seems as though all the outcomes lean in his favor. It is not fair, but then life is not fair... or just... it just is. It is a bitter pill to swallow... but swallow it I must.

I will end here... and think no more of this pill that sticks in my craw. Instead I will focus on that beautiful sky of the other night and the future to come and I will, as always, hope for the best... Perhaps my boat will drift to a calmer and better shore...

Moving On

It's funny how news travels. I am beginning to hear from people who I have not heard from in a very long time... they are wishing me well in my future... they are commiserating with me and saying how sorry they are to hear that I married an asshole. I haven't told them anything so I am assuming that the few that I have told are passing the news on.

Today is the 7th of August and a week of the last month of summer has come and gone. Life, in all its nuances, is moving on in some good ways and in other ways not so good. Two months ago I was reeling and in a state of shock and still hopeful that I could make my husband see reason. Eight weeks later, I am embarking on this new life and looking back only to see that the hounds of hell which have been chasing me so diligently, seem to be backing off a little. Sir Arsewipe comes and goes daily and seems to almost be looking forward to seeing the end of us... certainly he is looking forward to seeing the end of me but it is not so apparent how he feels about the girls going. This past week, he wanted a day with the girls here in this house without me as part of their exchange and so I said fine I would go to my parents for an evening and he could have the evening with them. He did and when I got home at 10 p.m. he left.  It all seemed so civil. I asked the girls how it went.... they said fine but then proceeded to tell me that they had watched a movie and they had played on their iPads but really no interaction had occurred between them and their dad other than the usual. I thought that was sad.  He had had a perfect opportunity to connect with them, but didn't.

We will be leaving here in a little over a month and time for them with their father is limited.  It's not like they will never see their dad again but they will not see him frequently and while summers will be spent with him they are old enough to hold down jobs and I suspect that though they have summers with him they will be working and not seeing him and enjoying him as young girls anymore.  Life with their father will change vastly. I really felt that it was important for them to spend as much quality time with their dad now before we leave. So I was only too happy to leave them with their dad that night though I do have to say that it was inconvenient for me. I went to my parents house and had a nice dinner with them and stayed till 10 p.m. at which time I returned to my house so that I could go to bed. As I said when I walked in there was a definite lack of communication going on between them. I certainly didn't interrupt anything big. The next day the Daughters and I had a heart to heart about all the crap that has been going on and I was trying to feel them out about leaving their dad.  There are going to be sacrifices in our household and things will never be quite like it was. I am trying to get them to see that and make them aware of the fact that life is going to change drastically. Daughter #1 is not happy with the fact that she and her sister are going to have to share a room in Newfoundland. She is going to be giving up her brand new mattress and giving up her double bed, and downsizing to a single bed.  Daughter #2 it so down on herself and worried about being shy.... and she is terribly worried about fitting in. She is not a person who likes to put herself out there and she is dreadfully concerned about how hard it is for her to go among strangers... this is a worry for me because it tells me that Daughter #2 has issues that I am only becoming aware of and Sir Arsewipe doesn't seem to know about or care enough to ask. I realized that it was time to sit down and talk to Sir Arsewipe about these things. We sat on the steps outside and I told him that he needed to spend more quality time with the kids because they are blaming him for the huge losses and changes in their lives.  That if he didn't spend quality time with them and try to get to know them more and actually talk to them about their lives instead of going along in his nice little bubble that they would leave here very bitter and not at all well adjusted.  I told him that if I were camping out in a tent trailer I would invite them to come and spend some time with me and have them camp over and put in a fire and have marshmallows and talk about anything and everything.

He did as I suggested. It turned out alright apparently, which is good. I do not want to fight with him. I do not want to fight with him about anything... but this whole thing where he shows up at will, and he doesn't know when to leave and I have no control over what happens in my house, (because it is my house) is irritating. Yesterday Pops invited me and the girls to go to supper. I asked that he leave when we did. This turned into a huge fight.  I lost of course. I lose all the time. I am the big loser in all of this. I have lost my family, I have lost my husband, I have lost my self respect, and I have lost my faith in a loving and caring partnership... I have now lost control over my comfort level of who is in my home... I have lost everything... And in order to move forward and take some control of my life there needs to be some parametres. Today I go to the Fairway Divorce Solutions office for the seminar that I have to take. It is called the "What Is The Law" seminar. I will find out what my rights are and if needs be I will get something rolling because what it comes down to is that I do not trust him... that disappeared and has been disappearing over the last few weeks slowly but surely. I do not trust him to leave my things alone. He has already broken a teapot that he had given me... he says it was accidental but when he explained the circumstances I feel sure that it was not all that accidental. Besides there are personal things... papers etc that he has access to... things that I do not want him aware of.  There are private emails on the computer that he could readily access... there are diaries that I keep that I do not want him reading.... and I'm not sure he would do that... but I am not sure that he wouldn't either. He doesn't seem to understand that the day he moved out he made this house mine and that I am no longer his wife... he does not have entitlement to be here unless he has been invited. He is, to me, like a hired carpenter except that I don't pay him because we do not have our money situation worked out yet. I should by rights have a separation agreement in place. And that is what I intend to do today when I get to the Fairways Divorce office. I will talk to the mediator and I will get her to start us off negotiating that process.

I am trying to be as fair as is possible in an impossible situation. But what it comes down to is the fact that I have moved on and wrapped my head around the fact that I have no say over what he does... he can go and dip his wick nightly... I can't control that (nor do I want to anymore). I can't tell him what he can and cannot do. I have made suggestions to him about his relationship with the girls only because they talk to me and don't talk to their dad. I get that we are now separate..... I get that... it's pretty resounding how I get that. But he does not. He still thinks that because he is paying for stuff that he has a right to treat me the way he always has. He doesn't have that right anymore... that's why he tried to lean on me when the people were here the other day... he is in for a shock... I realize that he knows we are leaving but I don't think it has really hit home... because of the bubble he has surrounded himself in. Right now he has access to the girls and me whenever he wants but that is coming to a very quick ending and once I leave here he can go f--- himself (sorry for the nasty expletive) when it comes to him telling me how I should run my life or interfering or being privy to anything to do with me. If I want to take a trip to Spain he has no right to be involved in that decision at all... and he doesn't get that. Not that that's going to happen! But you get my meaning.  If I want to go back to school he doesn't have to know about that choice at all... if I want to have sex with the man down the road (yeah I wish!) he has no control over that either(that's just an example by the way... I'm not going to be jumping in and out of bed with every one I see!). It is my life and he is not a part of it anymore.  Moving to Nfld will make that break easier and cleaner and it can't happen fast enough now. But if I were staying here I can guarantee you that I would be trying to move on with my life and he would still be trying to interfere.... he just doesn't get it. He has moved on with his life but he doesn't think that I should.

Sir Arsewipe is a most fitting name for him.... really!

Well I'm sorry that this has become such a rant... I really hadn't planned on talking about this at all... I was going to talk about the call of the ocean... and how I was so looking forward to moving home... but other things happened and this is the crap that shot out of my brain instead.

I'm not sure when he plans on showing up today... I am working in the sunroom going through all of our personal files. Income tax etc.... and I am beginning to pile all of my stuff in there so that when the movers come it will all be sorted and ready to move. We have formally accepted the offer on our house and the paperwork is in place. I have made a verbal offer on the house in Nfld. The other party is discussing it... I expect to get a decent deal.... and hear today if it will go ahead. Then I will have paperwork of my own to take care of. Our closing date is August 31st.  My closing date is September 4th. The earliest I can leave here would be the 10th of September.... and I might not be able to get that date either, unless I book in the next few days.  In all, there seems to be an inevitability about it now. I will move forward.... one step at a time... one day at a time....and I'll be darned if I'll let him interfere with that.

Tea With Teapot

I'm just sitting down to a quiet breakfast.. I am having two fried eggs and two chunks of watermelon and a nice big cup of coffee.  I've always enjoyed a good cup of coffee even when I was in University. I would take the public transit to the University and head for the Arts Cafeteria for my first cup of jo as soon as I got there and usually swished it down on my way to class. Tea was something that I only drank when mom had her friends in and she was serving it with them... no a nice cup of jo was always my brew of choice.  

In my last year of university I developed a stomach ulcer that wasn't really bad but it was an aggravation and one of the things that I was told to give up was coffee. I had just met Sir Arsewipe and he was a tea drinker and so I began to drink tea too... for the last twenty two years since I met him, I have become one of the biggest tea drinkers that you could possibly imagine. On a cold winter day there is nothing better than a nice tall cup of tea with a little sugar and wee dram of cream. But I still like a good drink of coffee and every now and again I like to put the coffee pot on and brew up some of the stuff for a quiet morning drink. Over the years though more and more I would rely on Sir Arsewipe to make tea because he always made a really good cup of tea, plus I was busy getting breakfast for everyone.. and it seemed the only time of the day when we really shared something together.

Of course you all know how Sir Arsewipe came to be known as Teapot... it seemed like such an apt name for him because at the time since he was such a heavy tea drinker and especially because he had had that dream... he was chasing off the devil in his dream by singing "I'm A Little Teapot". (In hindsight, I wonder if seeing the devil coming after me in his dream was actually some kind of premonition... if you believe in that kind of stuff is could be extremely spooky!) Since our separation I have begun to notice that I really am not craving tea anymore. I think I am beginning to get turned off tea altogether. I wonder if that is possible. All things associated with Sir Arsewipe, (formerly known as Teapot), are more and more a huge turn off. A few days ago the people who are buying our house came to discuss things and while we were standing chatting in the garden, Sir Arsewipe put his elbow on my shoulder and began to lean on me... I couldn't believe the nerve of him. Later, after they left I asked him what the hell he had in his mind... and that he had some nerve treating like I was his personal leaning post. He told me that it was the habit of twenty years... some habit! I had gently shrugged out from under his weight in front of those people because I didn't want a confrontation with him but he just doesn't think... and I don't think he has fully wrapped his head around the fact that we are no longer together and that he doesn't have a right to treat me in anyway other than circumspectly... besides quite frankly I don't want to even brush up against him. It disgusts me.

Yesterday I came home from a visit with a friend and discovered that while I was gone Sir Arsewipe had made arrangements to take the girls to the campsite where he is living so that they could have a night out camping in the tent trailer with him. They left around 8:30 p.m. and I had the rest of the evening to myself. (Yes I did feel a little bit lonely but then I guess I'm going to have to get used to that.)

One of the casualties of getting a divorce is trying to figure out who gets what. For me it has not been terribly difficult as is the same for Sir Arsewipe. I think neither one of us has been overly material throughout our lives. There were certain things that I was totally not willing to give up like the memory foam mattress (for practical reasons you understand... wink wink nudge nudge) but one of the things that I gave up without any hesitation is the Christmas village that Michael and I collected together and painted together. I do have to say that I painted a whole lot more of them than Sir Arsewipe (mostly because he found them to be too fiddly faddly) but still I don't want that stupid thing in my house... it will be too much of a reminder of his faithlessness and meanness.  Last Christmas a friend had found a couple of the unpainted pieces at a garage sale and she asked me if I would like them and I said yes. When I got home I discovered that they were smaller than the set that I had been working on. So I set them aside... the other day I discovered them under my bed as I was cleaning out boxes that were in there. Last night after the house was quiet and Sir Arsewipe had left and taken the girls with him, I got out those two houses and started painting... I am doing a little Nfld Christmas village and I will try to get suitable mummers to fit in there and light it with fairy lights at Christmas time... it's funny how things come together and it's not the having of the village... it's the doing of the village that tickles me pink...the village itself is nothing more than a cute reminder of the fun you had painting them and deciding on the colours.

Today was the first time since the whole Divorce/Affair thing happened that I have felt a real sense of creativity. I have had out all my acrylic paints for the two wee houses and so that has ignited a little spark.  I have a painting that I am not happy with and have been wanting to paint over it... I think today is the day that I will do that... turn on some really inspirational music (right now I've got Diana Krall on) turn it up loud and just get into the feel of the paint sliding across the canvas.

But first I think I will finish this cup of coffee... and think no more of tea with Teapot.                                                   

Survival For Now

I try to understand why people will do stupid things. The house that I so wanted was once again a problem... when I had the contractor look at it he discovered that the crawl space has a spring in it and that there is a good foot of water on the floor and that the sump pump has been turned off for the last six or so months. That the water is now up so far that the electrical to the hot water tank has been compromised which would mean having to replace electrical and a hot water tank. That blows my mind. How can people even put something like that on the market. It is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Honestly it is a perfectly good house which is being left to go to ruin. As a matter of a fact it is way overpriced... The two houses that I have gotten really serious about have both had major issues because the owners are positively stupid. They have closed up the houses because for one reason or another no one is living there and when they closed it up they did banana cake things so that now the house is worthless!!! Why people do these things is beyond me. So now I am getting serious about one other house which has a beautiful lot... absolutely gorgeous. The house itself is sound... good basement, no rot, excellent siding. Nice amount of space. But it has issues for me in that it is a weird layout. I have once again been talking with the contractor to decide about a few things that will need doing. For one there is no bathroom on the main floor and that is no good for Pops. He has to have facilities where he can get to them easily. That means putting in a small bathroom downstairs. Cha ching,... expense number one. There is no way to get to the kitchen from front foyer where the steps to upstairs are, without going through the living room and dining room which is a problem since I really want to have a space that is identifiably mom's and dad's and a space that is identifiably mine and the girls with both of us having access to the kitchen. That means punching a doorway through to the kitchen and building a wall between the dining room and living room. Cha ching expense number two. It has been rented out for the last few years which means that the carpet is nothing but filth and dirt. We don't know what's under the carpet so the expectation is that there will have to be new flooring. Cha ching expense number three. There are only three bedrooms which will mean that the Daughters will have to share a room... and while there is no expense there... they will eat each other alive I am thinking.  Oh lordy... how do I make that work? I am going to make an offer though. Hopefully when I sell moms and dads house here then I can make some of the changes that will need to happen there. When everything comes together you will see where I am going and the place I will be living because I will be posting pictures. The nice thing about this house is the land... it has an absolutely beautiful waterfront piece of land with a view worth a million bucks. If I can just get this one... wow! But it is all about negotiating a price that I can afford now.  We shall see.

Life continues in this long black hole headed to who knows where. I am hopeful that when I come out on the other side... there will be peace. I continue to write poetry and had a go at one yesterday... but I was not satisfied to post it on Feathermist.  Sir Arsewipe still comes and goes as though he has a right. Daughter #1 feels he does have a right and we discussed breaking points and setting boundaries and I know she doesn't understand that as long as he is coming and going from this house there is no healthy way forward for me. He has moved on with his life and uses the truck at will, going back and forth in the evening between where he is living and his chit's dwelling. Meanwhile I am stuck in a limbo with no vehicle after hours. I have to leave this place... and the sooner the better, and I seem to be the only one who understands that. We will sign a offer on our house today and that will be hard and fast. As a result, I am beginning today to clear the sunroom out and then begin to put the things that are going with us back in here... that way we can begin the process of getting the rest of the house ready for our big moving sale. It will also be easier for the movers to figure out how much it will cost to ship everything.

Everything stems on this move now and getting our house in Nfld. I wake up each morning with my stomach doing flip flops. I am excited about going there but I am also scared poopless. All night long the "what ifs" party on my bed and keep me awake.  But then I think about my house on the shore and the icebergs floating past and I think, "wow, it's really happening!" This will work... it just has to.

There are still mixed emotions about Sir Arsewipe, I want him to suffer as horribly as we have, I hope he ends his days a very old and lonely man.... I want to bat that (insert nasty word here) with which he is fraternizing up the side of the head... and that's mild to what I wish on her sometimes.... but then there are times when I don't give a damn and think the stupid (insert another nasty word here) can have the bugger.

As an exercise, and in an effort to wrap my head around the fact that I am now single and owe him no faith... I have begun looking at men... I check them out regularly.... and what I have concluded is "scary"! Oh dear... but then they are probably thinking the same thing about me. So for now, I am content in my own skin... which more and more, I seem to be treating as a bit of an art canvas. The girls and I are contemplating tattoos... wee ones in inauspicious places. But there will be more on that later.  Also for now, we are having the fun of paying attention to our appearances and buying inexpensive jewelry etc... it is a release from our former careful selves. We do our nails regularly in whatever colour suits our moods. We put make-up on when we go anywhere and we are not shy about eating lunch out. This will not continue for long I am thinking, but for now it helps to fill the void in our lives.

Yesterday I actually managed a decent conversation with him... except he at one point cut me off and tried to shut me up but I didn't let him. I finished my sentence and then got up and walked away... because you see it doesn't matter to me anymore... One of those days and probably in the not too distant future, I will tell you the end of Sir Arsewipe's and my story and then you will all understand why I am moving through this the way that I am. Till then I will ask you to bear with me as I survive the only way I know how. Hopefully at some point I will do more than survive... hopefully at some point I will live.... and so will we all.

Writing About The Things That Concern Me

I have been told that what I write here on this venue is too raw... that I might not want to be so open with my emotions online and, to be honest, that has crossed my mind. I do try to keep the names of the people around me to myself and even though I have used Sir Arsewipe's real name here a few times, I've never used his last name in conjunction with it. I know it's not much but I have such a hard time referring to him in any way at all that I finally settled on Sir Arsewipe as the best solution to a problem that concerns me.

In retrospect I realize that almost from the first day I felt that being open about what happened to me was as much for me as it was for anyone else. I have always maintained that this blog was my very own record of life and when I first started writing here four years ago... never in my wildest imagination did I think that something so cataclysmic would happen to me. I wrote because I wanted to keep a record of my farm and my business... which didn't happen because shortly after I decided to start a business I decided that the Master's Spinner program was an essential stepping off point in order to find success in my business. At the time I thought I knew a fair bit about spinning.... wrong! It is only in hind sight that I realize just how little I actually knew.  As a matter of a fact I still feel like I could study for another 6 years and still have lots to learn.

The blog quickly became a jumble of farm life, my spinning and weaving projects, and family life though I did try to keep the family stuff to a minimum. I wanted to let people know about living in the north country on a farm and spinning and weaving as a artistic outlet but I also knew that I couldn't talk about anything here without my family coming into it.... they are an integral part of me. It was also a way for family members living far away to know what was happening in our family. I also wanted to have a little humour here as well. But somehow this blog became more. It became an entity onto itself and I found more and more parts of the inner me were being exposed through the poetry I write on Feathermist, but also through the writing that occurred here too. Soon I had a following... not a big one but a consistent one. There were people who dropped in sporadically and then there were people who went to bed or drank their morning coffee with me here on this monitor screen. They became silent friends and some not so silent... (I like comments... really : ) and you can be as unsilent as you like....)! People worried about when I went a long time and didn't write anything... people were concerned when I burnt my level 3 binders. If anything big happened in my life I had people who knew and wanted to know. It felt like a whole circle of friends had come into my life.

When I discovered that Sir Arsewipe had been cheating on me at the beginning of June, I knew that people would be wondering what I happened if I didn't write anymore... I wrote a blog post about big changes in our lives.... but I knew this wouldn't satisfy for long. I was right... Sir Arsewipe procrastinated about informing his family about our separation and eventual divorce and all the while I knew people would be wondering about what was happening with us. Daily I would ask him if he had informed his family and daily he would reply in the negative. I did not want to write anything on the blog here until they had been told since I did not want them finding out that way. Eventually he told his family and I by that time was getting emails asking for more information... most people expected such good things to come from the changes of which I had spoken.... little did they know what was coming.

When I finally knew that he had told his family... I started in with a post.... I wasn't sure what to say... Should I be cryptic or should I be open...or should I say anything at all. I started writing and somehow it all seemed right to be open and honest. I haven't looked back...

Each day I write here I try not to dwell entirely on our divorce... I try to talk about those few good things that are happening too... but I'll be honest, a divorce is a consuming thing and so every word that passes through your mind, lips, and fingers is somehow controlled by the big "D". It has been not quite two months and I expect that it will be a long time yet before I am over this... I hope though that as the weeks pass and as my move to Newfoundland gets closer I will begin to talk about other things.... I have been trying of late to be more rounded.... but it is hard.

Meanwhile I cannot help but think that if a person is going to talk so openly about things that affect them then the writing will be raw and hopefully powerful. Anything else would be disingenuous. So daily I write and I am hoping that at some point I will peter out... and I will find a new world to write about... and my heart will be less affected. But that day is not today.

This morning, my lovely alpacas left me for the last time. I am glad they have a good home to go to.... I am sad that I will not see them again. For the last six years I have watched them and taken care of them and been proud to own them and learn their ways.  So it was with great regret that I watched them as they rolled out the driveway in a stock trailer headed for parts unknown. I know they will have a good home because the lady who has taken them has a lovely farm with cattle and turkeys and chickens and now alpacas. We have her references and I know she will see that they are cared for. When I saw them rolling out the driveway my face crumpled and once again I headed for my now familiar pillow to grieve one more loss on the steadily growing pile. Sir Arsewipe, who was there to help us load them up, never showed a sign of regret... not one.  I have never seen such a hard person... he is concrete. it took me a while but I am ok now.

I am glad to be able to have a place where I can come and pour out my heart. I thank you all for coming and visiting and I thank you all for your helpful and thoughtful comments. I will remember to be careful not to say anything that might severely hurt anyone... and I will remember to watch closely for the person who is worried about me attracting a stalker....  but I will not stop being me and writing is a vital part of that.