Dreams... That's What Getting On With It Is All About

Tonight I am surrounded by thunder and lightning. Well actually I think the worst is over for now although I do hear rumbles off in the distance. Mom and Dad showed up a little while ago... their power is off at their house and so they came here for a little reprieve. I am printing a bunch of documents that need to be printed and all is quiet except for that thunder I keep hearing. Last night I went to bed just as the power went off and it was off all night. That was not a pleasant thing since it meant that the fan in my room was not able to keep me cool and so i sweated my way through the night. This morning I woke up and got ready for a day in FSJ since I had to go get my new glasses. My old ones which Narmin somehow had gotten a hold of, were chewed and scratched so badly that there was not much point in keeping them. My new glasses make me look more professional and serious... I was going to post pictures of them but I can't get a good picture without a whole lot of glare and these are no glare lens too. I will wait and tomorrow if I can get a relatively flattering picture then I will post it then.

For a while this morning I just played on the computer while I was eating my breakfast. Daughter #2 had decided to stay in bed and so the perfect opportunity to do a little surfing arose. I have had on my mind this move to Nfld and while I am anxious, I am also excited. I am a little worried about becoming the new head of this family. But at the same time I am thinking forward thought to what might possibly be. I am buying a new house and while I haven't got my heart set on one I do have a couple in my mind. I have hired a fellow there in the area for a commission to find me a house and he is on the job if you know what I mean. Some of the houses have been refurbished and renovated so that they look like modern new homes. This is not what I am looking for. I am looking for an older style home that I can put my stamp on. I like renovating and while I won't have lots of money I will try to do a few things to make it more my own. I don't want anything that is too run down... it has to have good bones. But I don't want anything that has been so renovated that it has lost it's old world charm. I have found one house that I think might work. I have all kinds of ideas for it but everything (and everyone) tells me that it won't work. I will wait a bit because there is another house coming up on the market that the guy I hired is going to look at and take pictures of it for me. I will know more on Saturday. Meanwhile what I started this paragraph to say is that I found a painting of a house that I would really like to aim for...

Of course I am not going to do this over night and I am not sure I am going to be able to do this at all but we'll see what the pictures return. I already know I could do it with the small house ... well sort of. But I'll show you guys soon what I have in my mind... meanwhile don't stop me from dreaming by giving me negatives... yes I want the best outcome with not buying a house that's rot up to the thighs but at the same time I don't want a sterile environment either. I can see a rose trellis all around my door. I can see plant boxes under each window especially under each bedroom window.I can see the ocean beyond my house. I can see a pleasant place to sit and drink lemonade on a hot summer day.  But I can see a cozy fireplace (probably electric) to huddle by in the winter with a rocking chair and some chocolate and some warm mittens on a set of knitting needles.

Reality will probably be nothing like that... I'll probably be tongue out shoveling snow... and I will probably have to work day in and day out and I probably won't get a chance to plant my posterior at all... well, maybe I'll look forward to retirement.  Either way, all I've ever wanted is an oasis that I can call my own... a place that I can walk into and sigh and think this is a really nice place to be. I had it here or so I thought... at least we were working towards it... but then look what happened. Dud!

Still a gal can dream can't she...?

So Bright It Hurts My Eyes

Living in the north country has always been hard on my eyes. In summer time at the height of summer I sometimes struggle with migraines.  Today was one of those days. Slowly my sleeping habits are getting back to normal as the daylight diminishes as summer wears on. But today was bright... really bright and it was hot... so hot that I just wanted to jump in a pool or a lake. Unfortunately about a week ago I had to get some moles removed and I have stitches so there will be no swimming for the next little while. As a result of all the sun today I ended up with a migraine. It was so bad at one point that my peripheral vision was like looking through a kaleidoscope. It is not entirely gone yet even though I took two extra strength Tylenol. But the air is starting to cool though upstairs is like a furnace. We are patiently waiting for the thunder storm that is moving ever closer to clear the air before we go to bed.

I love night time thunder and lightning... the one thing that astounds me since living here is how very infrequent night time thunder storms comes into the neighbourhood. There are  plenty of thunder storms here.... just not at night. So when we get a night time thunder storm it is a real treat.  We sit on the deck watching the display and listening to the distant rumbling as the storm draws ever closer. And at the last minute just before the heavy rain hits we all dart inside to the safety and dryness of the house. So it goes tonight... it is not close enough yet to put on a real display but it is coming and I expect that there will be other storms too. Each rumble of thunder sends a corresponding flush of adrenaline through my body. Each flash of lightning sends excitement coursing through my veins. I love living in a log house with a tin roof because the pelting rain on the tin creates a din that makes you want to bury your head under a pillow and thank God you are not out in that storm.

The rumbles are getting closer...

I know what it is like to be exposed to the elements in a horrific storm... I have been there and done that.  Many years ago when life was simpler and kinder and gentler my husband and I took the daughters to Calgary to visit some friends and have a wee vacation. We took the girls on their first train ride at Heritage Park and we took them to the zoo and then one day our friends suggested that a day on the Ghost reservoir in Cochrane AB would be a really nice way to spend the day. They had a small sailboat big enough to take 4 adults and a couple of children but there were three families so we decided to ferry out to a small island for a picnic and to let the kids who were between the ages of five and six months wade and splash and play in the shallows. Our friend ferried the first family out to the island and then came back for us. We were headed across the short expanse of water probably no more than half a kilometre when we noticed at the head of the lake the skies looked very dark. No matter we all thought, the storm was probably passing to the north or the south of us and would miss us entirely. We got to the island and unloaded coolers and picnic gear and took off our sandals and stripped down to our swimsuits. But as we were digging for towels we began to realize that the storm was headed straight for us and that there were several children with no shelter.  In hind sight what we did next was pretty stupid but our friend who owned the sailboat decided that it was such a short trip back to the marina that we could pile the kids and the moms into the sailboat and motor across in no time. We could make it before the storm hit because it was still way up the lake. We did exactly that.

You can tell where this story is going...

We were about half way across when we ran out of gas... under normal circumstances this was not as bad a problem as you would think... it just meant changing out the tank that was on and putting on another tank... but the wind had come up and we were starting to get battered around pretty good. Our host tried like anything to change the tank over and as he was frantically working, that's when the wind really hit... in seconds we knew we were in trouble... everyone had a life jacket except for... yes you got it... moi.  The boat was steadily being pushed toward the spillway which was a drop of about 150 ft. If we went over that we would all be killed. Our host stopped fighting with the tank of gas at that point and just manned the rudder in an attempt to steer us away from certain death.  All the while husbands were back on the island watching helplessly as their wives and children were precariously flirting with the end of their lives.

I have to give him my heartfelt respect but our host was able to steer us to rocks. Large boulders the size of Volkswagons and when we hit we started passing children out one at a time to the rocks.  None of us had shoes... we had left in such a hurry that they were back on the island with our husbands and our picnic. Meanwhile the wind was by now whipping around us and the sailboat was dipping and swaying and banging on the rocks. We had no choice but to get the heck out of there and scramble up the boulders to safely.  I was the only mom with two kids and so I was dragging my two children in the beating rain over the rocks ever climbing higher to the top of the dam. Our host after dropping his own wee child and wife at the top of the dam came back to help me... but by then my knees were skinned and I was banged and bruised and sore... We got to the top of the dam and hunkered down under the rocks and tried to protect our children from the beating rain which was quickly becoming hail... that's when sailboat number two hit...

Apparently at the same time another sailboat with two young men aboard lost their engine in the storm too... and like us were headed for the spillway... they two were able to maneuver their craft to the side of the spillway right on top of our sailboat. They jumped to our sailboat and then jumped to shore and then like us scrambled up and over the rocks with whoops of elation for the great adventure they were experiencing... it was when they saw us that reality sunk in and you could see their emergency aid mentalities kick in... one of them came to the rescue and gave me his life jacket to help me cover my two young children. Daughter #1 was 5yrs at the time and Daughter #2 was 3yrs. I will never forget his kindness as he tried to block the worst of the storm from us, but still it felt like hard pellets hitting us ferociously. On the other side of the rocks under which we were hiding, were the two sailboats viciously and constantly hitting up against the dam. Boats can only take that kind of toll for so long.... they both disappeared beneath the dark waters at about the same time.... sinking into oblivion.

After the storm blew through we were left to walk along the top of the dam in bare feet... (it was crushed stone).  I had two children that were terrified and wouldn't let go of me but eventually I was able to convince one of them to let the nice man carry her as I struggled with the weight of my other child as I walked along in bare feet on crushed stone. As we got closer and closer to the gate that kept us from getting back to the marina I wondered how long we would have to wait for someone to come and open that gate and let us through... I also wondered what my husband was thinking out on the island having watched the whole gong show from his vantage point.

I was so happy when a pickup truck came through the gate and drove up to us and offered us a ride back to the marina... I got in that truck with my two little girls and thanked God that I was alive. We had a long time to wait before Michael showed up back at the marina... he had managed to hitch a ride on the boat of  someone who had stopped on the island for safely. I have never been held so
ferociously in my life and I knew in that moment what it felt to be so scared that someone you loved could be so close to death and there is nothing you can do... you are powerless to stop such ferocious acts of God. I knew in that moment that he loved me and the girls like his life depended on it. I have never ever forgotten that moment... it felt like nothing I have ever felt before... and I will probably never feel anything like it again. He has written that he never loved me.... but I know... that in that moment he loved me and the girls more than anything on the face of the earth. It felt like a love so bright that it hurt my eyes.

It is raining now and the thunder is definitely closer.  I will end here... as I am afraid that a power surge may come at any time and fry this computer.... see ya... I'm off to watch the lightning and it too will probably be so bright that it hurts my eyes.

Glimmers Of A Sense Of Humour

Today was a good day... (remember it is one day bad... one day good... always I am moving forward). Today some friends of my parents took my mom and dad out for lunch in Chetwynd at the Chinese food restaurant that my mom and dad love to go to.  They invited Daughter #2 and me to go too... I drove there and back in my own vehicle while mom and dad went with their friends. We had a lovely meal not like there will be much opportunity to do something like that again.

Afterwards Daughter #2 and I stayed behind to do a little shopping... and we did some girly things which were a real pleasure. On the way home I was listening to loud music... Jon Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Santana, Cheryl Crowe... all great music but Daughter #2 and I had the music cranked and I began to look around me and realized that the turn of summer has come. I couldn't believe it... there before my eyes was the turn of summer! It resonated for me because I remembered lying in bed this morning and realizing that the bird song had changed. The deep summer is upon us because the chickadees are back... they go further north than here to nest and while a few stay around there are far fewer here in the summer than there are in the spring and fall... Anyway there I lay in bed listening to the birds and I realized that the birdsong had changed... I can't explain it but it was like I could understand what they were saying. They were singing but they are singing different songs.  And their songs are not the mating calls of spring and early summer... they are winding down their nesting habits... that's what they were saying. Then when I was driving along today I began to notice the Fireweed. Usually Fireweed is a signal of the end of summer and while it hasn't yet turned to fuzz it is completely out in bloom and only days away from starting to see the first signs of fading for the year. I passed field after field of Fireweed.

As I got closer to home I started noticing a plant that I can safely say doesn't bloom until after the middle of summer... It is a plant that Sir Arsewipe and I have sniggered and snorked about over the years... as a result when I saw it the first thing that popped into my mind was of course Sir Arsewipe  and for the first time I didn't feel like crying... as a matter of a fact I started to laugh... and here it is...

We've always called it a Dickweed... so how very fitting that it reminds me of Sir Arsewipe...!

How's that for a sense of humour?!

Something New

First of all I want to say how cathartic it has been to write here and how much I appreciate those who have stayed with me through all of this. I am hoping at some point I will be able to get my sense of humour back.  Right now it seems to be pretty close to nil.

I would never wish this heartache on anyone. It is a horrible feeling. I try to stay focused on the good things and try not to dwell on the bad but when someone you know and have loved for twenty years suddenly sees you as fat, lazy, crazy, and not worth his time anymore it does tend to make you look in the mirror and think, what's the point. Most days I try to remember that I did have a life before him and because of that I KNOW that I will have a life after him. But some days are hard and this one is is one of those days. I find that I am teary more than not and every time I feel another flood of tears I run to the bedroom where I get the self help book that the woman who started the Fairways Divorce Solutions program and I read... I read some more and soon I find I am distracted enough that the waterworks turn off and I am able to do something else. Either that or I sit down with my journal and I write hate notes to Sir Arsewipe... that helps and if that doesn't help then I go into our family email and read his love letters to his chit. That really turns off the waterworks in a hurry.

Today is a bad day though because while I am happy in some ways, there is going to be a very large reckoning very soon. First of all let me say that we have had another offer on our house. If all goes well I am going to accept it... and if all goes well I will be buying a house in Nfld in very short order. If all goes well I will be out of here within the month and I will not be looking back I guarantee that. Before I leave I will also be confronting Sir Arsewipe with what I have found out... he doesn't know that I know the things that I know... but I know far more than he told me or for that matter what he was willing to tell me. I am wondering what the outcome of that will be since not only do I know things but so do the Daughters as well. We are horrified to learn some of the things that he has been saying and doing in his alternate life. Then in recent conversations with friends around town, I have discovered that I really was the last to know that he was doing the rush with his chit. People were seeing them together and not telling me (out of embarrassment or just not wanting to get involved, who knows).  But he is such an idiot because everyone knew he was with her... and everyone knows he is acting like a teenager... when I think about it it is laughable... pathetic... and so down right stupid. Why did he leave it so long... all he did was further hurt everyone. If he wanted out he should have said so... at least then I would have nothing to berate him with... but then maybe it is better that I do have something for which to berate him... it will help me to hate him... and mark my words... I will hate him eventually. Just one more step on the path to putting this all behind me.

I find myself in a very strange dichotomy. There are times when I think that a few bruises on his face wouldn't go astray and then I think sometimes why did it all have to go so sour... why couldn't I have been one of the lucky ones to have found real and true love. I really and truly thought he was one of the good ones! What makes it worse is that there is very little divorce in my family... even back to my cousins... you have no idea what kind of a failure you feel when you look around you and everyone has happy marriages and you have been described as fat, lazy, and crazy.... (oh and by the way he doesn't say those things to my face... but he sure as heck says it behind my back... and I have it in writing).  There is a cruel streak in that man that I never knew was there... boy can he act. Academy award for Sir Arsewipe! Meanwhile I try not to dwell on the fact that I have a failed marriage... and no one else seems to.

Anyway, I am hoping that there is a house that will meet my needs in the place that I want to go. I have looked at five or six now and all of them have been inappropriate... so maybe this one will pan out. I sure hope so, because to stand on the shores of the north Atlantic and feel the rolling sea as it thunders and heaves will be a balm to my soul and will help ease the loss I know I will feel when I leave this place for good. I know there will be so much that I will miss... but I also know that there will be much that I will be going to. Thinking thoughts of Nfld. helps to ease the sorrow I feel knowing I will be leaving my youth, my dreams, my life partner and this oh so lovely valley that I have come to love. While I leave behind the forest glen bordering our property I will be gaining some of the best berry picking grounds anywhere. While I will be leaving the river that churned and beckoned me to canoe it, I will be by the sea with all its crustations and life. While I will be leaving the fabled dragons/monsters of the Peace, I will be returning to the very real and wonderful life of whales moving about off shore. While I will be leaving the mountains that watch over this valley, I will be returning to mountains of ice silently floating past my home.

And as for myself, I will try to find the good in now being "damaged goods"... the thing is to make something beautiful out of what was before, so that the transformed is equally beautiful and worthy as it was in the beginning... if not more so. Quite a goal don't you think?!

The Dark Knight Rises... In More Ways Than One

I'm off today with Daughter #2 to watch The Dark Knight Rises at the theatre in FSJ. Daughter #2 is so excited you could watch her jump over the moon twenty times.  I do have to say that I am looking forward to it too. We have been waiting in anticipation for this movie to come out. However, there is a movie that I am looking forward to even more. I am looking forward to the next Bourne movie, which will be coming out in the theatre pretty soon I expect. Although Matt Damon will not be playing a roll in it it still looks like it will be awesome. Last week we finally rented The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo... loved it. Nothing better than a smart and sassy movie with complex characters and a complex plot. That said I am hopeful that this Batman movie will not be a shitload of effects and nothing much other than that. We are going into a matinee so it hopefully won't be terrifically busy.

Last night Daughter #2 and I went to a friend's house for dinner and had a very pleasant time. Lovely meal with lovely friends. I had wondered about them since I hadn't heard from them in ages. I wondered what Sir Arsewipe had told them about our separation. I didn't get into it last night since sometimes it's just nice to put the whole thing aside for a little while and believe me that is not easy to do when it gnaws at you like strong acid in the belly. Still, for the most part I did set it aside for a few hours. I came home to a dark house and chores waiting... sometimes the prospect of a dark night rising before you is not the most welcome thing.... still there is no going back now.

July is in it last breath of reality and soon we will be looking at August and shorter days are definitely apparent already. I feel like I have totally lost this summer. I don't know how that can be when summer is not even half over... but it seems to be flying by. Sir Arsewipe will be home soon and I am hoping he can bugger off somewhere where I don't have to look at him. I just did a load of laundry yesterday and low and behold there were a bunch of things that had gotten in with our that belong to him washed and dried... I can't believe he had the nerve to throw his laundry in with ours... and stupid here washed it without looking. I threw it in the tent trailer unfolded and that's the end of doing his laundry... he can suck eggs for all I care. I'm tempted to haul the tent trailer down to the park at the bottom of the Lynx Creek hill before he gets back and tell him that's where he stays from here on in. It would give me great pleasure to change all the locks too.... but I doubt that I'll do it since I don't have a confrontational attitude.... (he never reads this).

Later: We just got back from our trip to town where we saw the epic Dark Knight Rises. Awesome movie if it weren't for the fact that my hind quarters were somewhat dunch when it was over. Three hours for a movie is a long time. Still it was a great way for them to end the Batman series. I was however, disappointed with Ann Hatheway's portrayal of Cat Woman... honestly no one could ever live up to Halle Berry's portrayal of Cat Woman but Ann Hatheway totally fell flat... like completely... borinnnnggg! I did like Michael Caine, he did an awesome job of portraying the loving and caring father figure. Christian Bale is showing his age but did very well too. Gary Oldman did really well but then I just love Gary Oldman in pretty much anything... but then the two who were surprises were Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard. They both delivered performances that really worked well and added a lot of punch to the movie. Anyway, Daughter #2 and I had a great old time picking the whole thing apart afterwards... she was totally wowed and I was pretty impressed though not entirely wowed.

Since it is almost bedtime I will say nighty night and toddle off to bed for my prayers and some surfing the web on my handy dandy phone.  Tomorrow I have got to get some work done because yesterday and today, though I intended to work, I never got a tap done... not one tap. Mind you waking at 3 a.m. and not getting back to sleep doesn't make for good work... all you want to do is veg out.

I'm off.... and guess what.... The Dark Night Rises.

Happy Birthday

Happy 78th Birthday to my Dad!!!!

We just took him out for breakfast and had a lovely morning. I gave him a new book to read for his birthday.

Will I Just Get Past This?.... Ever? (I'm even starting to drive myself nuts.)

So begins another day with Daughter #2 still in bed and Daughter #1 away and not able to text me from Vernon. She is at a ranch taking part in round robin activities with two other patrols besides her own, and informed me that she would be out of cell range for three days. That's ok because at least I know she is ok. She has informed me that she is thinking about the armed forces for a career option after she finishes school. I worry about that... what mother would want her child to go through basic training to be sent overseas to be exposed to the worst of humanity, where life is disregarded as little or nothing, where it is considered cheap. But she is her father's daughter and I think Sir Arsewipe really and truly has never been happy in his life because he always wanted to join the armed forces and never did so. He blames his mother and father for taking away the opportunity when he was right out of high school because they would not sign his forms... but he could have done it after he came of age. He didn't because ultimately he is not a risk taker.... the biggest risk he has ever taken was dumping me and the kids and then he only did it once he had the safety net of a new woman to encourage him. Meanwhile I would not hold Daughter #1 back from the armed forces if that is truly what she wants to do.... but that does not mean that I would not worry about her... nor does it mean that I will not encourage her to think of other options.

I woke early once again this morning... for the last few days I have begun to feel in limbo with no real concrete future ahead.  I know what I want but everything seems to be conspiring against me. Waking early seems to be the time for me to lie abed tossing and turning trying to figure out what I am going to do and how I am going to do it. It was 3:39 a.m. when I woke and I watched the sun come up and then finally fell back to sleep at around 5:30. I should have gotten up since I woke from a startling dream of being told that I was unloved in front of his whole family and that I was a terrible wife and that I no longer made him happy. I woke from that disoriented and full of anguish. It was not a good feeling to live it all again. It is not the first time I have lived that dream since the 6th of June and I expect it will not be the last time. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I am beginning to think that maybe some counselling might be a good idea.

With this limbo of no sale on the house and not even any serious interest at the moment I am beginning to lose hope in my dreams coming to fruition. I am trying to stay positive... and I am trying to stay mad at him... it gives me something solid to hold onto in this vortex in which I find myself swirling. It is stupid to not be mad at him... and I am mad but somehow I feel overwhelmingly sad that Michael... well it does no good to call him names or to dwell on the fact that he is not the man I thought he was.  He has lost every ounce of respect that I ever had for him.I can't believe some of the things that he has written down and I can't believe he was able to hide his feeling so profoundly. What I think I can't believe the most is what a stupid fool I was to believe him. But that is part of the limbo that I am in... I do not know if I can trust my own judgement of people.  How will I ever be able to look at a person and tell if they are a shit and a shyster. I even have begun to fear being scammed with a scam artist. What this whole thing has done has been to completely undermine me. I think that because I am generally a nice and genuine person I have been put upon by the worst of society and what's to stop that from happening again.

I know others live through this and I am sure I will too but I'll be honest I don't think I will come out of this the same person. Certainly not kind and trusting in the goodness of human nature.  I have seen too much of the other side. It scares me.

Every day I sit down and I try to think of something to write about other than the big "D" but it always seems to come back to that.

Yesterday I got the add out for Mom's and Dad's place. There are adds all over town and a PSA announcing that their house is for sale. Each night I beg God to please see me through this mess and get me to where I need to be. I need to be away. Soon his chit will be back from Ghana where she has spent the last three weeks and then going out of this house will be a whole lot more strategic because if I run into her I am sure I will have a heart attack.... or worse. Soon, he will be back too...  and I would like never to see his face again...this side of hell would be too soon.  And so each day I continue to unpack... pack.... sort.... organize. And that is what I will be doing once again today.  Yesterday was a bit of a holiday since I went to town to order myself a new pair of glasses. Then we went out to a friend's house for dinner and stayed till 10:30 at which time we came home in time to feed and water the animals... Dad will be coming today at some point for his monthly haircut... so the day is getting on and so must I....