And So The Ball Starts To Roll

Yesterday I woke up early and I had my phone charging by the side of my bed. You will remember that some months ago I committed myself to the Shadow Weave project. But I have decided that with everything that has been going on around here that I just can't and so I have agreed to sell the warp to a lady in my guild. All I want is to get the money back that I spent on the damn thing in the first place. So I knew I had discussed the price of the yarn with the lady I ordered it from via email. I decided to look back through all of the "sent" messages to find that particular one and see what the price of the yarn was. As I was scrolling through the messages I discovered that there are several there from Michael to his girlfriend.... love letters... poetry.... God it was enough to make me want to puke. Why oh why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face with this.  Alright already.... I've got it... really... I do... and it's just barf!!!!

Later in the morning I called the Fairway Divorce Solutions people in FSJ. Our divorce will be a mediated divorce rather than taking it through the traditional system of lawyers and courts. It is faster and cheaper and for me it is the right way to go. I want to come out of this on the other end with as little psychological damage as possible and I want that for the girls as well. So far it is an uncontested divorce. He is being very accommodating and I hope that continues. The girls, thank heavens, are old enough to decide for themselves where they want to live.  For Daughter #2 there was no question. She has decided that her father is too untrustworthy to live with and she has lost a great deal of respect for him. For Daughter #1 it was much more difficult. She has a much better base of friends. She is a western girl in that she loves horse back riding and all things horsey. She also loves the Junior Canadian Rangers and will miss that as well. She feels like she belongs here in BC because it is her home... it took her a while to decide to come with me and for her it is a real act of bravery. She will be leaving everything she knows and loves behind her. But eventually she came to grips with it and part of it was the fact that she would have a hard time with her father having a physical relationship with another woman other than me. Part of it is the trust issue as well. Michael has decided that, though difficult, it is probably for the best and that the girls should stay together... at least that is what he is saying. For the girls it will be an opportunity to experience a new way of life. Another culture might not be a bad thing for them. So when there is no contest over the children and when there is no contest over finances then there is no real reason to hold up a divorce. Yesterday I got the ball rolling.

While I don't believe that divorce is a good solution,  sometimes when there is no other choice then it is the only option. Now that I have discovered Mike's alternate life I have come to the conclusion that our marriage was a farce from the beginning. I made my vows faithfully. The person I married was the person he showed me and what he showed me is not who he is. (We won't touch on the remarriage thing since that touched a hot spot yesterday and no I am not thinking about remarriage in any way other than the most unconcrete way... as a possible "what if" at some point down the road... it is all theoretical at this point)! Still a divorce will spell out Mike's obligations to me and to the girls for the next years without him. Divorce to me is a civil contract and nothing more. It is a way for a woman to know that she is not going to starve in the hedgerows. That wouldn't happen to me anyway. But still it is a way to know that life is not going to dump you on your ass and with nothing, nadda... nary a ting. Remember I said yesterday that civil law cannot overthrow God's laws. All civil law does, is put in place a way forward, and defines your relationship in another way. I cannot totally shed him... he is the father of my children and we will always share that connection.

Still, yesterday was a day of angst. I knew that the mediator would require me to rehash everything... and I did. And it was tough. But it is done and for the better. There is nothing that can be done now until he comes back from Vernon. At which time he will meet with the mediator and then we have to get our financial records in order. After that it will be a back and forth between me and him via the mediator until we have an agreement in place that we are both happy with. In between we will have to attend separately a couple of seminars on financial counselling and co-parenting. Once we have the agreement hammered out we take it to our respective lawyers to get some advice on it and then it gets filed at the court with our signatures and the lawyers signatures... and then we are free to do whatever we want in the eyes of the civil court. Remarry whatever.... for me that will be a hard day. I will be letting go of my childhood dreams of love and marriage, of old age with someone you love. The mediator expects that our divorce, being uncontested, will probably be done by the time Christmas rolls around. All I could thing was our anniversary is the 28th of December... with my luck that will be the day that we file. For him I'm sure that would be a great anniversary gift... for me.... well I'll leave that alone.

Today I am going to try to get some more of the boxes in the shed opened and organized. His stuff for him and my stuff for me. Slowly I am seeing the piles in the shed get lower... the ones in the house get higher, mine and his. It is going quicker now because mostly it is books, but there is a box coming with the girls school work and drawings as little girls.  I will pack that away in boxes for them but I will keep one or two things for him and one or two things for me. There is also the box of Valentine's and love letters he gave me... I may just burn them unopened.... too hard to reread. After the boxes of personal effects are done then it is a matter of taking out the rest and deciding what's worth a trip to the dump and what's worth trying to sell. Our furniture is very little... the beds are coming with me... the computer is coming with me, (he has a personal laptop). The TV is coming with me though I may buy a Blue ray player and give him the surround sound stereo since he likes CBC and it picks up CBC very well. Bureaus and things like that can be sold, my antiques go with me since they have been in my family for a very long time. Dishes I don't care about. Camping stuff he can have including the old canoe he carried across a lake in a wind storm on the ice and almost blew away with. Gardening stuff is his since I will buy new when I get settled. Scooter is Daughter #2's and the Kayak is Daughter #1's. The rest is small appliances which I will replace when I get where I'm going. My chair will go with me and his chair will go with him. I will take all my spinning and weaving stuff including fleeces if there is room. It is not a lot to show for twenty years of living together... but then my needs are quite adequately cared for in the simple. A small house, little or no furniture other than what we need absolutely. A nice deck for summer time living and occasionally a canoe trip or camping trip.... I thought I was fairly easy to please... apparently that's not enough or maybe it is too much... I don't know but for whatever reason we are finished. Almost....

And Jesus Said...

I have spent a great deal of time this evening reading the biblical tracts on divorce.  There are several very telling verses in the bible about divorce. Divorce in no uncertain terms is wrong. Malachi 2:16.  There are exceptions that in the case of adultery then divorce is permitted but in no uncertain terms is remarriage allowed. There are many scholars who can argue the point and no doubt better than I, but when you read the words of Jesus in Matthew 19:9 there is only one interpretation. Believe me, I tried to figure out a way around it... I do not want to spend the rest of my days alone, so I sat there thinking about what those words were saying to me. But there is no denying that Jesus says there can be no remarriage unless one or the other of the divorced spouses dies then and only then are the vows that you have taken in your marriage ceremony broken. "Let no man put asunder" really means just that. If I remarry, even if I am the "hurt" party in a divorce then I am considered an adulteress. He, in the eyes of God, is already a sinner and is committing adultery. We may separate and divorce in civil law but the law of God says that once you are married then you are married for life.

This is a harsh reality for me. I have spent the last month wrapping my head around the fact that He no longer wants me and that further he has moved on and found someone else that he wants to be with.  The sad thing is that he is lying to himself and me and everyone by saying that it has not become adultery but it has... I know that... I have proof.

I hate talking about this because it makes me sound like some kind of religious zealot when I'm not. But I do believe in God and I am a Christian and I did spend twelve years of my life preaching in the Anglican church as a lay preacher.... it does matter to me. It very much matters to me. When we got married we decided to have our ceremony consecrated, not only in the regular way but we also knelt before God and drank wine and ate bread on our knees as part of our ceremony. We consecrated our love with the blood and body of Christ. For me that was huge... I mean huge. And yet here I sit twenty years later and I think the whole thing was a great big fat sham. I sat here today going over and over and over the doctrines on divorce and remarriage and realized slowly that there is no future for me, that my vows were true. That I meant them.... I sit here and try to equate that as a 47 year old woman, set free by her husband, does not mean that I have freedom at all because in the eyes of God that piece of paper that the court will hand me will mean nothing next to what I have promised God.What I promised was to love honour and cherish until death do us part... and nothing comes between my promise to God and me. I wonder if there is someone out there who can help me come to terms with any other outcome. I wonder if there is any point in even thinking that a divorce is anything other than an agreement to help with upkeep and maintenance of the woman you married. A financial agreement.... a contract that sets out the establishment of how you will live in the future apart from each other... a contract that allows for the care of your children.... that is what a divorce is... it does not turn your marriage over. It does not get rid of what has been promised to God.

So you see tonight I am stuck in quicksand... and if there is anyone who can haul me out I'd like to know who it is.

This has been in my mind from the first moment that this really came home... that was two hours after Michael had made it known that he wanted out of our relationship. Until then I was reeling in shock and none of it made sense. But as the reality of it sunk in I began to worry about my promises and how they would play out. The intimacy of a love bond is like no other. It cannot be replaced with friendship or the love of your children or parents because it is intimate. That is a deep and residing bond. "And the two shall become one." God really wasn't kidding when he gave those words to us. For me the bond that I had with Mike was deep and true.... so I wonder how I will ever move on... if I can move on. I wonder if I can face God at the end of my life and say I moved on and found someone else... will I be accepted in the eyes of God as anything other than a sinner, if I try to have a life without Michael.

I can only pray that God will be full of grace toward me whatever the future holds.

On Your Mark, Get Ready, Get Set,.... Go

I am sitting here with my mocha this morning and the day is blue skies all the way. It will be another scortcher. I have promised to take Daughter #2 swimming at Cameron Lake. It will be a hard thing to do because we will go swimming where we had such a lovely vacation last year.  I find myself wanting more and more to shed all things Michael. I make myself coffee in the morning and I see his favorite mug. I go to the shed and I see his winter boots and jackets lying around everywhere. I go to the downstairs bathroom and there is his toothbrush. In the sunroom is his chair the one that I have wanted to get for him so long and finally was able to work a deal when we sold our couch earlier in the year. Little did I know that he had stopped loving me long ago. It is not good to be surrounded by reminders of what used to be and never will be again. I need to get him and everything that is his out of my life. It is not healthy to be this way. And so the packing continues.  Yesterday I took a few hours off to spend with my friend who came for lunch. Then the afternoon was spent nursing my back because I have been horking around some pretty heavy boxes of books in the last few days. I keep thinking I should be painting in the bedroom and finishing the closets upstairs but I can't split myself in two and I really want to go through everything in the big shed so that if we are able to move quickly we can do it on short notice. So packing comes first... we can always hire a contractor if needs be to finish the work on the house.  And there are certain things that have to be done before the house is ready to be placed on the market. The exterior siding is still a problem... we had always thought that we would do artificial stone. But that will not happen now since artificial stone is one of the most expensive finishes there is. No we will find a cheap but reasonable alternative and since I won't be living here I really don't care how it looks as long as the new buyer is happy. Same goes for the inside of the house. I want to finish everything as cheaply as possible so that it is ready for sale and looks fine without being overly expensive. He has removed the wood tiles that I so lovingly burned for the ceiling in the sunroom. I knew it would take a long time to finish them and so we decided to take them down and put something up there that required less effort. It looks like this now...

 Eventually it will fade to match the log walls. I'm sure the new owner will be happy with it.  The electrical box is closed in but there needs to be some trim work done. I am supposed to finish around the pantry while he is away. Next week when I have gotten further along with the packing I will give that a try.  My goal is to try to have as much done as I possibly can before He comes back. I do not want to be told again about how lazy I am. How I let him do all the work... (as if I sat on my butt all day!) I am tired of being made to feel like I do not do my share. It wears on the nerves to be told that you are a sponge. He has no clue about what I do... I think he thinks I do nothing at all and that it has been that way for a very long time.... But I am sick of it. He will not bring me down again.  I will never allow Him to make me feel bad about myself again.  I am not bad and I sure as hell am not lazy.

It is just after 9 a.m. and the boxes in the shed are calling to me. There is much to do a little time in which to do it, so I guess I should get my arse in gear. Head down and arse up again I guess.

Have a great day in your neck of the woods and I hope you are finding the joys of summer a blessing.  Wish me luck on selling these houses of ours.... I need all the luck I can get, 'cause I don't seem to have had much of that lately.

All The World Is A Possibility

Do you remember what it felt like when you graduated from school? You had the whole world by the tail and there was nothing you couldn't do. This is a good morning. I am feeling kind of like that. I have spent the last hour on the internet just surfing. In the end there's nothing going to come of it all but it was just fun to dream. I have been looking mostly at real estate in Portugal... lovely homes there for very little money. You can see here and here what I've been looking at.  I thought why not... I'm free. But then I'm not free really. Mom and Dad cannot be left to fend for themselves and the Daughters are not quite ready to strike out on their own. But who knows what the future holds in store. Perhaps after the girls are finished with school the opportunity will come again. My options are still there. I just might have to do a little house keeping to get things ready for such a momentous opportunity.

Right now I am looking at two houses in Nfld. They are both in the Wesleyville area. I have spent a lot of time over the years camping up that way and discovering the beauties of that coast. At first I did it with my parents and I have pictures that go way back, of me walking on Cape Freels beach from when I was 16 yrs old. (that's 30 odd years ago!) I have been back there many times and I even spent a wonderful vacation there with Him. I've always wanted to go back that way and living around that area was always just a dream. But that is what I want... to make this dream a reality. Wesleyville is a community full of quaint homes that are built between rocks, on rocks, and over rocks. Suffice it to say that the terrain is somewhat rocky.... except for in between where it is boggy. There are few trees but that's ok because you can look out to the skyline and see for miles and miles.  There is a good hospital and a good high school, both of which are necessities if I am to make a good life for the girls and my parents. There is also good tourist trade and that may be the best thing for me.  I am looking at dealerships for spinning and weaving equipment. I am looking at teaching in my area of interest. I am looking at spinning and weaving for sale. I am looking at writing too. There are a multiple of things that I might be able to do. Then there are the berry picking grounds.  Some of the best bakeapple picking grounds are within a short walk. Some of the best blueberry picking is along that coast too. It makes my mouth drool to think about it.

I spent the day yesterday going through all the old pictures. 22 years worth of pictures. I kept thinking this has all been such a lie. But they brought back great memories of when the girls were little. Of good times canoeing, of good times traveling, of tents I had forgotten about and backpacking trips that were awesome, of wildlife encounters that were amazing. I thought about places I haven't seen in many years. I thought about people I haven't seen in many years.  A real walk down memory lane it was. I hardly cried. Now that I know what Mike has been doing behind my back for so long I realize that it was all a lie anyway. Still it was a joy to look at the girls first Christmas and their first day of school and going on a train for the first time when we were in Calgary and the Calgary zoo. It was fun to look at pictures of our first home and our first trip together and my nephew when he was baptized as he sat on the floor of my parents house with Daughter #1 who was just starting to sit too. It was fun to look at my children's various birthday parties and times when we would go camping with them. I sorted out a pile of books too yesterday. So the day was productive. I'm glad I will not have to go through them again.

Later: It is now evening and I had intended on getting this posted earlier in the day. A friend popped by and we had a monumental fruit salad for lunch with ice cream... real mend-your-heart food. It was lovely here with the temperatures so high and yet enough breeze to keep the blasted mosquitoes away. Tonight though I find myself worrying. We were supposed to hear from the people who made an offer on our house in regards to our counter offer but there hasn't been a sound all day. Also the fellow who is interested in buying my mother's and father's house was supposed to let me know tonight too. I called his phone and left  a message but I'll be honest.... this doesn't look good. I will try to get in touch with all of them tomorrow, if I can. That's what bothers me most that I may have to stay here until the house sells, and if it doesn't sell until later in the year then I'm really hooped about going home. Sometimes it feels like everything is conspiring against me.  A real Job's comforter I am.

Anyway the sky is darkening and I feel my eyes beginning to droop... so I guess it is time to think of bed time. Maybe I'll dream of a new life is Portugal!!

Packing

Since I got back on Saturday I have begun the arduous task of packing up. Saturday started with the Christmas stuff. It's been just over a month since Mike dropped... actually I need to say this differently... since I discovered Mike's secret bomb. I have discovered that he married me not for love but because he felt obligated. It has to do with a big breakup I was going through when I first met Mike. He felt he had to marry me since I had broken up with a rich guy to be with him. I am horrified to know that he has never loved me... Just "liked me". And that's why we got married.  Me completely in love... and he just liked me. I have been discovering more and more about this man that I thought I knew so well. At first my heart was broken but now it feels like it is embedded in ice. Every day the shroud of secrecy is peeled back a little further and I see the real Mike. He has been living a double life for twenty years. I feel contaminated with shear evil. Absolutely penetrated with sick disease. At times I don't know what to do with myself. I gave him everything... I gave him my heart. I feel violated and taken advantage of. And so I pack. The Christmas stuff was first, burning things that I attached sentiment to. Then I did several photo albums ripping photos in two where we were taken together.... he gets his half and I get mine. It has been all one great and masterful lie. What a fool I am. What a fool I am... When I leave I will not look back. I hope to never lay eyes on him again. He has taken away any chance I ever had at believing in love.  Is there such a thing?!! I look around me and see old couples who seem to love each other. It looks so real but so out of reach.  I don't think it is in the books... at lest not for me...

Today, I will keep on packing with my eye to the future. I look forward to the ocean and sinking my feet into the soft sand where the ocean curls it's tides around my ankles. I look forward to the salt driven winds. I will look forward to unpacking in a haven away from the devil incarnate, where hopefully the hounds of hell cannot find me, for they have been biting at my heels a very long time and I didn't know they were there. 

We go through this life innocent to the evils that penetrate the layers of reality. But they are there. They are there my friends. Certainly to God, I have had my share.

Next up books to pack... and I guess it is time to get on with it...

Sayings Applicable In My Life Right Now

Eventhough a cow has a long tongue doesn't mean she can kiss well. From bad marriages can come great children. God created a world full of many little worlds. If dumbness were a drop of water, you would be an ocean. If the fool didn't belong to me, I'd be laughing too. If the world will be redeemed then it will be through the merit of children. If there is bitterness in heart sugar in the mouth won't make life sweeter. If you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas. In a lucky time it is good to talk. In an unlucky time it is better to keep silent. In sleep, man does not sin, but his dreams do. Laughter is heard farther than weeping. Man is what he is, but not what he used to be. Never mind the remorse, don't commit the sin. No one believes a liar even when he tells the truth. No one hides, neither the wicked his wickedness, nor the fool his folly. The crow flies high but settles on a hog. The ocean cannot be emptied with a can. Time is the best cure

Shedding

I find myself wanting to shed. I want to shed everything that has anything to do with my former life as a wife. (no obviously not the kids... that's a mothering thing anyway not a wife thing.) Anything that he has given to me in the last year is getting chucked or given to someone else. Even the beautiful teapot that he gave me a couple of years ago is going. Pituuy... I'm done with it all. He hasn't given me much in the last while anyway. Today I got rid of my iPhone case. Daughter# 2 was trying to plug it into the truck's radio, but the case was getting in the way of the plug going all the way in. So she asked if she could take the case off. I said yes. So she took the case off and asked me where to put it. I said toss it cause I didn't want it. It was given falsely so I wanted it gone. Hopefully someone found it and will use it but I never want to see it again. There's lots of stuff that I want to shed as a matter of a fact. The list is long and I feel contaminated every time I touch it. But enough about that. Today he will be leaving for JCR camp. Yeah! Today I will be packing and returning to my memory foam mattress. Let me tell you I can't wait. I will be glad to see the end of my used-to-be-home but I do love my memory foam mattress. Things will be a little more relaxed there with him away. There will be a computer to use so I can upload pics again and not have so many mistakes from too large fingers on too tiny keys. There will be a TV on which to watch movies. There will be a fully supplied kitchen. But I do have to say that it won't be home. Home is where your heart is and mine is not there. I think my heart is wrapped tightly in a cocoon waiting patiently for a new debut. - - This week will be a week of divorce as I will be getting the ball rolling. It will be a week of house work as in temps. It will be a week of packing and tossing and sorting and dividing and tossing. Then there will be a humongous garage sale. And then there will be more of the same. Actually it feels retry darn good to be shedding so much of former lives.- - I'm falling asleep. So I will end on this note as Daughter # 2 tossed the iPhone out the window I saw it briefly flying through the air. Ever since I only wished that mMike had been standing there and it had smacked him right up the side of his head.