Packing

Since I got back on Saturday I have begun the arduous task of packing up. Saturday started with the Christmas stuff. It's been just over a month since Mike dropped... actually I need to say this differently... since I discovered Mike's secret bomb. I have discovered that he married me not for love but because he felt obligated. It has to do with a big breakup I was going through when I first met Mike. He felt he had to marry me since I had broken up with a rich guy to be with him. I am horrified to know that he has never loved me... Just "liked me". And that's why we got married.  Me completely in love... and he just liked me. I have been discovering more and more about this man that I thought I knew so well. At first my heart was broken but now it feels like it is embedded in ice. Every day the shroud of secrecy is peeled back a little further and I see the real Mike. He has been living a double life for twenty years. I feel contaminated with shear evil. Absolutely penetrated with sick disease. At times I don't know what to do with myself. I gave him everything... I gave him my heart. I feel violated and taken advantage of. And so I pack. The Christmas stuff was first, burning things that I attached sentiment to. Then I did several photo albums ripping photos in two where we were taken together.... he gets his half and I get mine. It has been all one great and masterful lie. What a fool I am. What a fool I am... When I leave I will not look back. I hope to never lay eyes on him again. He has taken away any chance I ever had at believing in love.  Is there such a thing?!! I look around me and see old couples who seem to love each other. It looks so real but so out of reach.  I don't think it is in the books... at lest not for me...

Today, I will keep on packing with my eye to the future. I look forward to the ocean and sinking my feet into the soft sand where the ocean curls it's tides around my ankles. I look forward to the salt driven winds. I will look forward to unpacking in a haven away from the devil incarnate, where hopefully the hounds of hell cannot find me, for they have been biting at my heels a very long time and I didn't know they were there. 

We go through this life innocent to the evils that penetrate the layers of reality. But they are there. They are there my friends. Certainly to God, I have had my share.

Next up books to pack... and I guess it is time to get on with it...

Sayings Applicable In My Life Right Now

Eventhough a cow has a long tongue doesn't mean she can kiss well. From bad marriages can come great children. God created a world full of many little worlds. If dumbness were a drop of water, you would be an ocean. If the fool didn't belong to me, I'd be laughing too. If the world will be redeemed then it will be through the merit of children. If there is bitterness in heart sugar in the mouth won't make life sweeter. If you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas. In a lucky time it is good to talk. In an unlucky time it is better to keep silent. In sleep, man does not sin, but his dreams do. Laughter is heard farther than weeping. Man is what he is, but not what he used to be. Never mind the remorse, don't commit the sin. No one believes a liar even when he tells the truth. No one hides, neither the wicked his wickedness, nor the fool his folly. The crow flies high but settles on a hog. The ocean cannot be emptied with a can. Time is the best cure

Shedding

I find myself wanting to shed. I want to shed everything that has anything to do with my former life as a wife. (no obviously not the kids... that's a mothering thing anyway not a wife thing.) Anything that he has given to me in the last year is getting chucked or given to someone else. Even the beautiful teapot that he gave me a couple of years ago is going. Pituuy... I'm done with it all. He hasn't given me much in the last while anyway. Today I got rid of my iPhone case. Daughter# 2 was trying to plug it into the truck's radio, but the case was getting in the way of the plug going all the way in. So she asked if she could take the case off. I said yes. So she took the case off and asked me where to put it. I said toss it cause I didn't want it. It was given falsely so I wanted it gone. Hopefully someone found it and will use it but I never want to see it again. There's lots of stuff that I want to shed as a matter of a fact. The list is long and I feel contaminated every time I touch it. But enough about that. Today he will be leaving for JCR camp. Yeah! Today I will be packing and returning to my memory foam mattress. Let me tell you I can't wait. I will be glad to see the end of my used-to-be-home but I do love my memory foam mattress. Things will be a little more relaxed there with him away. There will be a computer to use so I can upload pics again and not have so many mistakes from too large fingers on too tiny keys. There will be a TV on which to watch movies. There will be a fully supplied kitchen. But I do have to say that it won't be home. Home is where your heart is and mine is not there. I think my heart is wrapped tightly in a cocoon waiting patiently for a new debut. - - This week will be a week of divorce as I will be getting the ball rolling. It will be a week of house work as in temps. It will be a week of packing and tossing and sorting and dividing and tossing. Then there will be a humongous garage sale. And then there will be more of the same. Actually it feels retry darn good to be shedding so much of former lives.- - I'm falling asleep. So I will end on this note as Daughter # 2 tossed the iPhone out the window I saw it briefly flying through the air. Ever since I only wished that mMike had been standing there and it had smacked him right up the side of his head.

Finally A Good Night's Sleep

After a month of raking myself over the coals I have convinced myself that I can go on. The girls are full of plans and the parents are full of plans. I had a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my husband had at sometime been lost to me. But. This week of taking refuge in this house that belongs to my friend has been a chance to heal, a chance to see what life will be like. It is too close to him. I have realized things while here that have been my own wake up call. Right now I am thinking that if I moved to China it wouldn't be far enough. I can not get far enough fast enough. Everything in me screams RUN. While I was working on becoming a Master Spinner my Michael died and in his place was reborn a shadow of who he was. There is meanness there now. I see it in his face but he tries to hide it from me. He is not the kind and generous person I knew. He died on June 6th and dies a little more each day. - - So I have spent this week hiding away from this world of meanness and harshness and I have found another little oasis in a Tsunami hellish reality. It is a house on the banks of the mighty Peace River. It is a house among friends. I wish I could stay here. But on Saturday he will clear out and I will go back to the log house we live in. It does not feel at all like home. Everything there feels foreign and strange. This little house has become my new home. Here I am among friends... friends who care about me. Who think of me as worthy. Who don't think of me as a ball and chain. Here I am not someone to be rid of. These people care that I have my own ideas and wants and dreams. I will miss these friends of mine. These people who give a damn when I go to Nfld. in some ways I wish I could buy this wee house on the banks of this river. I wish I could win a lottery so that I could go to Nfld. to live but return here each summer to renew old friends and love this place that I have come to care about, this valley of water and eagles, of beauty and power. It has one and only one draw back. I look out the window to the river and I can see Michael and I whipping around the bend as we came in to our landing point a few years ago when we did our river trip. It was a beautiful time and I always wanted to go again but we didn't... For so many reasons that I think are stupid now. He was busy in the summer and I was distracted by my spinning and weaving. We never made time. We never made the effort. He resented having to work in summer time and he blames me for that. But what happened was that he didn't see the future, and he didn't have the patience. He never was a patient person. He lost the dream. So I sit here looking over the deck out to the river that drew me in and touched my soul and I will move on. I will find someone who is patient and we will have different dreams. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Oo kept the dream. I loved with all my might. I did not cheat, steal, or lie, I did not hurt our children our tear apart our family. He did all of those things and is still doing them. He is a sad and pathetic human and I am better off without this new him.

Bye To My Manitoba Maple

6 a.m. I am feeling drastically run down after a night with not a wink of sleep. Last night was a bad one... a really bad one. Today I will lose one of my Manitoba Maples. Daughter # 1 is going JCRing. I will miss her terribly. She has been a rock. As has her sister. They are truly the best of my marriage. She and I have giggled together and cried together... I am so blessed in my girls. She is excited to go and I am excited for her. There will be a big fat paycheck at the end of this and she is looking forward to that as much as anything. It will give her money to buy things that she needs in Nfld. and on the way to Nfld. She is packed and ready I just have to wake her. I love her so much you just can't know how much. My sweet girl my two sweet girls... my beautiful Manitoba Maples.

Manitoba Maples

I've always loved Manitoba Maple trees. They have always felt like old friends. I will take five saplings with me when I leave. My friend whose house in which I am staying, has lots of self start Manitoba Maples. I don't know if they will grow where I am going but I will plant them in the rich earth of home and hope for the best. In every home I have had I have left trees of some variety and it has always been a significant thing to do. I will be leaving here two lovely Lilacs, loads of Blue spruce some green gage plums and any number of cargana. With my love of trees, there is something significant about planting trees in each new place I live. I usually try to plant a tree for each person living there. Five Manitoba Maples... one for each Daughter, one for each parent and mine will stand alone. I will shelter them from the ocean and the barrage of salt winds that prevail near the north Atlantic. My hope of course is that they grow exponentially. - - I have been thinking about my future and trying to put a positive spin on my possible endeavours. At this point I am just trying to get it through my head that I even have a future... at least I feel like any future without him in it just seems odd. - - Yesterday I took Daughter # 1's advice. I put some highlights in my hair. I like it. Tomorrow I will add a little curl. Perhaps we will have a salon day. We can't today because we are going back to HH so that Daughter #1 can pack for her flight to Vernon, where she will be working for the next three weeks with the JCRs. While in hh today i will pick up Daughter #2 and bring her back with us tonight. Tomorrow i will put her on the flight. I am anxious to see her fly alone... but she is sixteen and it is time for her to try things on her own. Besides there will be a ranger at the other end to meet them. Her dad will be leaving on Saturday for the same destination on a bus load of kids as one of the chaperones. I am missing Daughter # 2 but texting her often. I will be glad to have her with me this evening. I will be doing fun things with her as much as I can since that has been what I have tried to do with Daughter #1. Still I look forward to my own bed and my memory foam mattress. My back is beginning to ache tiredly from lack of comfort during the sleeping hours. It feels like we girls in this family are the three Manitoba Maples. We are strong, and we shelter each other. But. Most of all we are beautiful.

Life The Way It Was, Is, And Will Be

So I am at the house of a friend. Daughter# 1 is with me. Daughter # 2 is with her father. After being home for 24 hours I realized that the stress and strain was too much. Crying every hour is not helpful. There was much said in the last few days to make me feel about the size of a beetle. I won't go into it all because it's not for the public domain. Suffice it to say that for my own sanity and for the good of all, I have come here to lick my wounds in sorrow, to stop romantcising what we had, to tear away the rose colored glasses and see my world face on. It is an ugly picture, I assure you. When I thought I was making a happy home in fact all I was doing was laying red carpet for him to stay a man child. When I thought I was being supported I was merely being stroked like a cat. There's never been true respect for what I do cause my equipment was always underfoot and in the way! Perhaps I should have lived under the china cabinet with Murphy and the dust bunnies because there I would have been welcome which apparently I was not for many a year in my own home.- - well home doesn't feel very homey with him finishing all the Reno work. I can't stay where I'm not wanted and where resentment wears it's ugly head. So I ran away to safety and here I will stay till the end of the week when he will leave for Vernon and all things J C R.- - I actually managed 6.5 hours of sleep last night. This is astounding me since I haven't slept like that for a month or so. This house offers solace in a world of hell. The sounds of the birds in the massive Manitoba maples outside my window wake me each mining remind me that not everything is harsh and cruel. The sounds of the river flowing past the bank reminds me that there is a place of spiritual calm. - - We have had an offer on our house it is a little low and so we have countered. We will see what this brings us. I am hoping for the best... it could mean that I would be moving sooner than later. At this point I think it is a good thing. It is not healthy for me here with this person who has turned so bitterly against me and makes me feel so low. Perhaps it is time to dislike him too. The way it was is not coming back. The way it is is virtually impossible, and the way it will be... I guess I'll have to wait to see.