Packing

I spent the evening packing last night. Not only for Olds but I was helping him pack books, videos, and Cd's. We are beginning the process of dividing our lives. After twenty years there is a lot to do. Somehow you don't realize how enmeshed your lives become when living together. He has stopped wearing his wedding ring and so I decided that maybe it was time to do something about mine. I haven't worn it for many years since I always found that the diamond would dig into my finger so I got it out of my jewelry box along with two bracelets that he has given me recently and I walked down the steps. I handed him the rings with the statement that I wanted the rings melted down and the diamond divided for the girls. He will have it made into something for them.  Then I turned to the girls and I gave them each a bracelet. They are bracelets that he bought for me while in Vancouver where his love affair started with his new trick. The bracelets turn my stomach since I know they were guilt gifts. They were copper and silver overlay in a Haida design. One had the sun on it and the other had a butterfly on it.... Daughter #1 got the Sun Because she is my sunshine cheery and happy all the time, and Daughter #2 got the butterfly for reasons to do with cocoons and shyness and coming out into world fully formed and beautiful.

I didn't cry.... which is a first.

This morning over breakfast we all sat and had a lovely walk down memory lane talking about all the things that we have kept from the girl's childhood. Rocking horses and doll houses and dolls and games, etc... Much of it will have to be sold before we leave. Laughter prevailed but at one point he left the room and he never returned. He once again is turning his back on the past. I wonder if he realizes what he has done.

There is a very surreal feeling about it all. He lives in the trailer in the yard and showers and eats in the house. Most of the time we are friendly and we try to keep our nasty thoughts to ourselves.  But occasionally things bubble over and when they do I leave for the bedroom where there is peace... or he leaves for the great outdoors where there is... whatever it is he is looking for. The surreality of it all is sometimes overwhelming. I feel like a Picasso.... one side of my face is up and the other side of my face is down.  And all around me is a Salvadore Dali painting with clocks melting as time ticks into an unknown future.

Only two weeks ago life was so normal... how odd it is to be packing knowing that when I leave today I may be coming back to a very different situation. Two days after I return from Olds he will be leaving for Vernon. I may see him very little from here on in. While I think it is the healthiest option I can't help wondering if I am in a dream.... Allison in Wonderland chasing the white rabbit.

One Trip After Another

Today was a trip to town for a new suitcase. The suitcase that I always carried my spinning wheel in died shortly after Easter and all spring I have been thinking about a new one. I finally bit the bullet and went to town to get one. It is large and lined and I think better than the original one that I had. So I am pleased that that is one job down.

I look around me these days and I see nothing but jobs in every direction. The flooring in the house is almost finished. The sun room was finished before this whole fiasco.... but since then the dining room has been finished and the kitchen is about three quarters of the way done. So I am hopeful that it will be complete when I get back... I am also hopeful that the addition will have it's new siding on it. These are the two biggest jobs. The rest is stuff that will require little effort and only minor expense. It seems ludicrous to me that for four years I begged and pleaded to have this place finished and it wasn't done time and again and all of a sudden when things are falling apart the house is at its best and is finally looking like something that I would want to live in... some how it doesn't seem fair... but then fairness never really plays into life.

Tomorrow I leave for Olds and while normally I am looking forward to it... this time I am not sure how I will get through. A week of testing.... that in and of itself is daunting. Then I will be with friends who will be smiling and taking pleasure in their surroundings and I will be smiling on the outside but on the inside...... well it does no good to dwell on it. It just makes it more difficult.

I will try to write here sometimes while I am away. This has become a bit of an oasis... a place where I know people follow because they care. Thank you to all....

I Know You Are All Wondering

I am ok. Well, not really... but I will be. It has all been a huge shock to find out that your whole life has been a lie. All the things that I thought were real and true have not been. I will not talk too much about what has been from here on in, because I need to spare my Daughters more angst than what they have been through.  From now on I will talk only of positive things because that is the only way forward.

The girls and I will not be staying here... we will be moving on. Plans are being made, and things are being done to accommodate this new way of life.  As I speak the renovations that I wanted so badly for so long are being finished... we will be selling our home. That is a foregone conclusion. There is more. The Daughters and I will be moving and we will be taking my parents with me. Not just down the road either. We will be heading back to Newfoundland.... the land of my ancestors, the land of my heart. For the Daughters this will be a huge upheaval. And we are not sure when exactly this will happen. We only know that the house has to be sold. That is critical to all of us moving forward in our new lives. The alpacas are for sale.... the house is for sale. Two days from now I will be heading to Olds for the last level of my Master Spinners's Program.  The Daughter's will stay with their father while I am away and they will be finishing their school year as well. When I get back, there will be packing and decisions to sell furniture and other things.  I'm sure garage sales will abound. He will be leaving for three weeks of working with the JCRs and so will Daughter #1 this year in Vernon, BC since that is where the two summer camps will be held. I am hoping that by the time they are back the house will be sold. Then I can really start in on our plans. We just have to sell the house. Everything.... everything, is contingent on that. I will talk more about our plans as they become reality. I am afraid to talk too much about what we want, for fear of not selling this house. It is too easy to lose these new dreams too and I am not sure I can take that on top of everything else.

But I am ok.... or at least I will be.... and so will we all be...

I hope.

Shattered

There's a hole in my life... a great gaping hole.  After a week of the worst kind of tumult I find myself alone, facing the future without ....

The Daughters and I are going into the future with out him in it... we will all move on.

And so will he... but in a different direction and with someone else.

Big Changes

Life is moving in a different direction. Things are changing and all is in flux. Stay tuned... I might be able to write about it soon. But not yet.

Diamond Jubilee Celebrations

Well now you had to know that it wouldn't pass by without me making some kind of comment...

I've been enjoying watching the Diamond Jubilee celebrations in London, England all afternoon... I love the Queen and envy the Brits... they were all out in force to celebrate Her Majesty's reign... and they all pulled together as Brits and did it right. You could tell that this was a day... (actually a whole weekend) to be British through and through.... It kind of made me sad for Canadians...

As a patriotic Canadian I sometimes wonder, what do we have that pulls us together... a few celebrations on Canada day really don't cut it... you don't hear much about it and you are really lucky if you can participate in Canada Day celebrations.  Canada day passes by each year and I wonder where it went, once it's past. 'What happened!"...  is what I often think... oh sure there were a few mentions of fireworks in Ottawa and maybe if you are lucky there will be a local picnic and party and if you are really lucky you will have a rock concert in your community... but how does that make us more Canadian or feel close to our fellow countrymen...

Then there's hockey... but that just makes me want to laugh... I mean how can a violent game make us more Canadian... how does watching someone chase a small black disk around the ice make us fellow countrymen... half our hockey players are not even Canadian... most of them are hired Americans paid in American dollars... And the Canucks losing in Vancouver last year just tore that city apart... I'm sure that's not country building... or pride filling.

No I watch those celebrations in the UK and I am envious... Maybe it is because we are such a large country... maybe it's because we are such a diverse nation... maybe we are still trying to find an identity that we can all be a part of and proud of. But in the end I am amazed at how well the Jubilee celebrations came off and in the end the smiling face of the Queen said it all... how humbling it must be to have such and outpouring of love for a woman who has been committed to being the best representative of her country that she could possibly be. It's not about the money, it's not about the star power, it's not about the novelty... but what Elizabeth the II has brought to England is a central figure around which the British people can rally... she has worked diligently to support her government in their decisions... she has supported all sorts of charitable causes that benefit the British people, and she has provided the British people with an icon that reminds them of their common history. I wish her many years of health and happiness and and I wish her success in all to which she puts her hand. Congratulations on Her Majesty's 60th anniversary as the Queen of England.

Meanwhile I will continue to ruminate on what it means to be a Canadian... and hope that I can be that beautiful and spry when I'm 86 years old.

Water Conservation 101

So I haven't been spending as much time on the computer this year as I used to. Somehow I seem to have lost my interest in it. But every now and again I sit down at the computer and I write... but today I sat down for a wee read. I decided to catch up on all the blogs that I have been following and I decided to check out APOD as well. APOD is an acronym for Astronomy Picture Of the Day. I love checking in with this site every so often because it has so much information about our universe and what's happening in it. Today I had a look and checked back over a bunch of pictures from the past few weeks when I wasn't checking regularly. This is what I found...

Explanation: How much of planet Earth is made of water? Very little, actually. Although oceans of water cover about 70 percent of Earth's surface, these oceans are shallow compared to the Earth's radius. The above illustration shows what would happen if all of the water on or near the surface of the Earth were bunched up into a ball. The radius of this ball would be only about 700 kilometers, less than half the radius of the Earth's Moon, but slightly larger than Saturn's moon Rhea which, like many moons in our outer Solar System, is mostly water ice. How even this much water came to be on the Earth and whether any significant amount is trapped far beneath Earth's surface remain topics of research.

For me it was a bit of an eye opener...

I've always known how precious our water supply here on earth is but... wow we really need to keep in mind how quickly we can contaminate our water source so that everything that relies on water would be poisoned to death. I can't tell you how important it is for us to take that into consideration the next time we dump crap into our water supply. We may not have good potable water for long if we abuse the little (and I mean little) that we have.